Asides

In retrospect

Existing, that’s all I am doing right now. Due to my privileged background survival isn’t an issue, my parents will go out of their way to ensure that I survive. I’m not making the most of it, I’m not working at any NGO or doing a worthwhile internship or whatever but I’m happy. I’m as happy as an 18 year old boy with his girlfriend on his lap. Okay. maybe not that happy, but I’m good. I’m reading, eating and listening to some damn good stuff, I am writing trash by the moment, spending time with my mother and my dog, following the world cup. I’m oblivious to all the sorrow and pain in the world.

But then in moments I really want to go back a few years in time, because you know first world problems. Since we are so complacent we need to find something to whine about and hence, I want to go back in time. To a place where everything was familiar. I miss the rut, not school I didn’t like school but I liked the people I used to go to school to. Despite the drama and the nonsense ( I Know it seems easier in the retrospect, but maybe it wasn’t all that hard you know?) I miss seeing those familiar faces, I miss knowing what the other person was about to say, I miss the warmth ( and by warmth, I DO NOT mean the Delhi heat. oooh) I miss the routine, the not-so-great expectations, I miss having everyone a phone call or 5 kms away, I miss my friends not messing around with superscary drugs that I thought only existed in TV shows and books, I miss my friends being sober sometimes and caring, I miss waking up knowing I’ll meet them all and see himself, I miss himself walking me to my bus or picking me up from my place, I miss my best friends just landing up at my place and the comfortable silence.

I miss the long conversations, the lazy mornings, the happy times, I miss making plans which would never come true. I just miss it, and It’s a 3 second thing, when I miss them but goodness gracious it hits me harder than the Delhi heat (No, my room is not air conditioned. I have a lousy fan which functions only when there is electricity. GOOGLE DELHI Temperature, google it now. )

It will be okay, and It is okay and it is just a matter of three second and I just wanted to rant.  

The need to possess more.

Breathe, Eat and Survive. Isn’t that all we human beings were supposed to do, when we first came into existence but soon enough, things began to get complex. Emotions came into play, our basic needs increased, Stress, Kids, having a home. We humans began wearing clothes to look good and fit in, instead of wearing clothes to cover ourselves and protect oneself from the weather. We have evolved, and we still are evolving.

Let’s skip all the biological things and hop on to what I wanted to say.

Despite the fact that we need only air to breathe, clothes to wear, water to drink, food to eat and shelter over our heads for survival why has everything become so complex? things used to be simple, you want something you grow it, or exchange it for something else. You don’t want something, you leave it be.

Now we want more than we need, and sometimes we ignore what we want and go for what others want. Greed, The desperate need to want more of everything is something I don’t understand. I understand if there is a dearth of things and in order to fulfill your needs , you want more of something, but what I don’t understand is when you have a sufficient quantity of everything, why would you want more of it. Why can’t people be happy in what they have? The horrible need to possess more is overpowering the man-kind and how!

Economics is based on the study of scarcity, alternative uses and unlimited wants. The world WILL be a better place if people were more satisfied with what they have, instead of wanting another unit. If only, people would look beyond themselves and into themselves all at once. It’s hard, not to think about oneself and oneself alone for less than 24 hours in a day, but I reckon it’s high time we do it. Otherwise where will we all be in another few years?

 

The Nature does help, it does contribute. If only we use as much as we need, there will eb thing left for all those who have nothing and Maybe then we’ll be a better planet.

 

when you create a mess.
 A mess so utterly impossible to decipher, So impossible to clear.
When you know that you are totally completely and royally screwed.
When you know what you are doing, and you know that it’s not right but you are stupid enough to do it anyway.
When you know what you want and you know that you can’t get it, so you tell your self that there are plenty of fish in the pond and you try to compensate with someone else, and you fail.
Fail miserably.
When you enter a room, and you need that one person to look at you, so you feel that you exist. that one person only. No one and nothing else can make up for it. When you look for a person from the corner of your eyes, in a crowd and breathe when you finally lay your eyes upon up.
When you fuck up so bad. SO bad. and you know that there is no way out and all you can do is wait.
 Wait. . endlessly. hopelessly. for something that will never happen.
yeah.
life sucks.
 supposedly it goes on as well. it is going on, well kinda. but i’d rather it comes to a full stop than move on like this

Math and more.

Days as long as this, are now a common occurrence. Such days are hard to avoid and hard to manage. They just don’t seem to end, maybe it is so because I was up for a major part of it, but Hey, Math isn’t exactly my best buddy, though we go way back, we never really got along.

Things started to get messed up when fractions came in, and after years when I FINALLY got used to those halves and one fourths, they brought in the alphabet, The x’s and the y’s, with their squares and cubes. I never really got the logic, where would I use them and most importantly Why would I use them?

Today during the Math exam, 40 minutes into the paper I had nothing to do. My paper was over and I most of the sheets in my supplement were bare. There was nothing to do, While the Alphas and the Betas smirked at me, I looked around at the people who were busy scribbling things, with their eyebrows scrunched up and the concentration dripping from their ears, all I could do was frown at the Alphas and the Betas. I was wondering, “what on the fecking hell were they writing? How do they know what does this mean? ; What about everything I had studied, Where is all of that? ”

I don’t get the concept of calculus, Of Calculus and Of Studying Calculus. why would anyone be interested how to find the area occupied by a godforsaken, I don’t care; It’s not saving the planet, the trees, the animals; it’s not making anyone happy or reducing air pollution; So why?

I’m so sick of Mathematics. I love finite math, I figured it out. I’ve the same relationship with math that I have with himself. I really want to figure it out, and I really try to figure it out, but No avail.

Himself is as annoying and as screwed up as calculus, Both are demanding and then demand to be left alone. Having himself sitting in the examination hall,, with my math paper in front of me was enough to give me a brain haemmorhage.

bleh. It just isn’t fair, the amount of effort and patience I put into the two of them but it still amounts to nothing. I still can’t figure out infinite math and Himself isn’t coming for for another infinite years.

Maybe I should give up on both, It’s high time I give up on himself, knowing in my heart of heart he isn’t coming back, Him being his adamant self and not needing me, but Math I can’t afford to give up on Finals before I get into the college of my choice, but the rate at which I’m going I don’t think I’ll go to a college where Math is a requirement.

 

..Almost

As she sat down on her desk and tried to study for her exam the next morning, her mind focused on anything but the book. The cracks on the wall, the dirty table cloth, himself and she, where they were

What were they going to be.

Himself would look at her across the street, and look away. She would wonder, if it was real or was it her imagination. Smelling him, while the pebbles in her pocket tugged her towards the ground. The stars in her eyes shone when she would look at him, wonder if he would notice the clean in her eye.

She had pushed himself away and he had left, she wondered if it was worth it. She wondered if himself gave her words, a second thought. While she confided in him about everything, himself was distant and almost ..cold. She wondered what to do, she snapped and swore, screamed and tried. She Smiled .. almost, everyday. Looking at himself while the cold clutched it’s fingers around her, and as  himself glanced at her almost by mistake, almost.. saving her from the cold.