Tag Archives: Travel

30 Day writing Challenge: Day 12- Bullet your whole day

Yesterday I was going back to Delhi from Pune. Pune is where my friends are and where I did my schooling from, Delhi is where my mother just moved to and where my college is. I had gone to Pune for my vacations, for about 10 days. I was in the train yesterday, I reached Delhi around 11:00 PM.

  • 12:00 AM – Was reading Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
  • around 12:45 AM Went out of my compartment for a smoke
  • Kept calling people for Worldcup updates
  • Read a chapter of Midnight’s Children by Rushdie
  • 1:30AM got off at Chalisgaon junction, for a minute to buy some water
  • Ignored the stares and swore to always buy 10 bottles of water in broad daylight
  • Ran towards to train because the stupid piece of shit began moving
  • 1:35 AM – Listened to some black keys
  • Cried some for Spain, wondered about how could netherlands underperform like that.
  • around 2:15ish – sat at the door and cried for Pune and for those people I call friends
  • Enjoyed the last of Rain and the cool breeze because Delhi summers can kill you
  • Went back to my seat, listened to some oasis and Nirvana till 4:00 and eventually dozed off
  • woke up around 11:00-11:30, smoked a cigarette
  • Went back to sleep because I wanted to daydream somemore about the so-called-new-found-love of my life.
  • Woke up at 12:45 to Pee and eat a little something. 
  • Had some blue lays, checked my phone for texts from my terrible friends (there weren’t any)
  • Went back to sleeping and daydreaming
  • Woke up again, had some mango juice
  • smoked another cigarette, took a dump
  • Finished the book Into the Wild 
  • Started watching Into the wild – The movie
  • Watched twenty minutes of it, didn’t feel like it
  • re-watched 500 days of summer
  • Read some midnight’s children
  • Had some mint chocolate, okay A LOT OF MINT CHOCOLATE (note: I don’t like mint chocolate but It’s like this compulsion where you have one and you need to have another few hundred milk chocolates. ya’know? )
  • Walked about the train, spoke to a few people
  • stared at a couple getting all coupley. hehehehhehehehhe. luls. PDA IS AWESOME! 
  • Played with a couple of kids. They had clay and were making shiz with clay so yea, I joined them. I LOVE CLAY. I LOVE KIDS.
  • Spoke to a  woman my  ma’s age who had a daughter my age. (I had a lot of mutual friends with her daughter too. Whoooop. This is such a small world!) 
  • She kept saying things, my ma would say and kept telling me how people my age usually are and how I’m slightly off. (she didn’t say this in words but yes, she almost nearly said it)
  • Learnt a lot from her about the workings of a mother’s mind. 
  • Cried some for Spain. 😐
  • Applauded the performance by other “apparently weaker” countries. Damn this worldcup is SO EXCITING. 
  • Waited for Delhi, as the train was running late by 2 hours.
  • smoked another cigarette, breathed in the HOT north Indian air. :\
  • Dozed off again while that woman watched seven pounds on my Laptop (I’ve never seen seven pounds.)
  • Woke up, unchained my bag, packed my stuff, waited some more for Delhi
  • Kept calling people for the world cup updates
  • Reached Delhi at 10:30 PM
  • Hitched a ride with this other woman I’d been talking to
  • She was going where I lived
  • Went across the city with her and her brother
  • spoke to Them, learnt a lot about rich people and how they make money.
  • 11:20 PM Got off near my place, smoked some and walked back home. 
  • Met my DOG after 11 days! 😀 
  • met my ma and brother after 11 days
  • Ate Ghar ka khana (a Home cooked meal) and whined about how hot it is in Delhi
  • Started watching the Match. 

 

Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life

Imaginary Audience I can assure you , this is going to be super-depressing. You may bail right now, or halfway through it eitherways I will never find out.

Disclaimer: I like to dramatise things a little, please ignore my theatrical skills ( read: the images)


So, A time when I thought about ending my own life. I’ve had very many moments where I’ve thought of ending my life, sometimes I know I’m kidding other times I’ve to convince myself that it will pass. I’m self destructive, have always been so though in the recent past I’m trying really hard to curb this habit, but as you know Imaginary Audience Old habits are harder to break than Iron Bars. Anywho, the moment I read today’s challenge some instances clicked and I’ll mention them briefly.

Through grades sixth, seventh and eighth my father’s friend sexually abused me whenever he visited us, touched me inappropriately, try to kiss me etc etc, So this once in eighth grade he was staying over at our place and I was sleeping in the next room while my brother and my parents slept in the third room, So that night he tried to get inside my bed and tried to force himself upon me. I managed to bite him, hit him and kick him out of my room but the horror never left. That night I wanted to kill myself.

Then once in the ninth grade my parents were fighting and I know parents fight and my parents fight a lot and things got uglier than ever and I was taking care of my younger brother, picking up things my father was breaking, trying to console ma, hoping that the neighbour’s wouldn’t hear and I remember sitting in the toilet wanting to die, wanting to kill myself.

Then this once I was travelling alone to Jodhpur in the train and Was sitting at the door, while the door was open (yes, here in India you can open the train door and smoke, spit, stare or whatever) and the sun was setting and I felt sad ( I think my abandonment issue were acting up, the fuckers!),  but content because I was in a beautiful place and I realised that I could never see all the beautiful places and the future seemed bleak with my depressing college full of snobs, the deteriorating state of music, lack of talent ( I can’t even breathe properly sometimes let alone walk straight) and I would rather burn out than fade away and I wanted to die. I was sad but content and all of sudden I Couldn’t breathe and I was heaving and crying and I felt tired, I felt as though I was forty at eighteen and it was depressing.  You know the need to make your mark, to debate and fight for the right, the need to do the correct thing, I think I left it in that train that day.

I think that was the day I lost my life, the ambition I had in me. I threw it out of the train with my cigarette bud. That was the day I realised how very menial we are, we are nothing but pricks on the planet and we are as likely to help the universe as we are to harm it ( Johngreenreference ) I didn’t want to change the world, or destroy all nuclear weapons, I just wanted to be. I have never recovered. I’m still that girl sitting there, staring at the sunset with the cigarette between my fingers feeling insignificant. It was that epiphany that changed me. Sometimes I still wish I had followed my instinct that day because I’m a disappointment to the society and my lack of interest in the world worries my parents, but then here I am.

Here I am with these mosquitoes sucking the living daylights out of me, with some good, new music in the background. That’s it for now.

Drunk rant.

It’s okay?

Is it? Is it okay to be mediocre and live a life that everyone once lives. Leave no mark, leave no scar. Grow up, do what’s right, do what you are supposed to, get married,  make babies and die? Is that all we exist for?

I am scared. of the ordinary life, the 9-5 job, the marriage, the kids and all the other things I’m supposed to do. I believe in things which I am not supposed to, I live for things which aren’t of any importance.

Ideas are bulletproof, but dreams aren’t.

Dreams are for those who can’t sleep

and if you ask me to lie, I shan’t

For If I lie, I’ll weep

Life goes on they say

It does, I know.

It moves it’s own way’

and I wish I could let it go.

I wish I could live up

to their dreams and fantasies,

I wish I could cross the green seas.

Where the pirates roll,

The mermaids kill.

The stars fall,

And people will,

To change the world,

To dream, of things unknown and unseen,

To dream of things impossible which can be made real,

for the days long gone,

and the nights too short,

for those poeple we mourn,

for and the things we lost.

For the dreams we dreamt of before we could rhyme

For those beings we begged for, before they were mine.

For those cities we visited,

and the people we loved.

For those towers we conquered

and the cities we wrecked

We are the people,

The beings the friends,

We are the people

Who’ll last till the end,

30 Day Writing challenge: Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Ten years is a long long time, I want a lot of things but there are two scenarios in my head and I can’t choose one, to be honest I can but the rational being in me collides with the dreamer in me and it’s a mess. So I’ll write about where I want to be, not where my family/friends/the society expects me to be in 10 years.

I want to travel, I want to see the world. I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t want a house which I call home. I want to leave, see the cities far and wide, travel in buses without knowing where they are going to take me, hook up with people I’ll never see again, eat things I never imagined I’d eat, go to places I dream of every night. I want to travel across the seas, sleep under the stars, meet people one day say goodbye the next. Travelling is grueling, I know that. It is unpredictable, unstable. I want to be free, I want no ties with anyone, I don’t want to take care of anyone but myself If and when I have to, I want to be free of any obligations. For years I’ve taken care of people- people I’m not supposed to take care of. I want freedom.

I don’t want a family, a husband. I want kids maybe 20 years down the lane, but not ten years from now. I want to drink without getting drunk, I want to be a little more polished than I am at the moment, a little less analytical  a little more brave. I want to be happier than I am at the moment. I know I’m almost the girl in the book, Almost. The girl in the book is always alone.She is brave, real and foolish. She is reckless, beautiful and funny. I’m almost there. I can’t stay still and I won’t be able to even ten years from now. I want the dreamer in me to still dream, the kid in me to still watch Saturday morning cartoons. I want to be out there somewhere in the world, with a backpack and a flashlight, looking for a spot to sleep under the stars .. unless there is an apocalypse. I’m not scared of zombies or any of those creatures, I can totally pal up with those beings and chill with them.

In ten years from now I’d want to be a happy traveler and a better person. Less self-centered, More communicative. I’d like to talk less and ‘communicate’ more. Ten years from now I’ll be somewhere on the globe being my self- laughing too loud, dancing in the rain and singing under the sun

As for the zombie Apocalypse,  I’m coming to get ya’ ! ^_^

And finally, as they say

Top 15 Places in Asia I’d run to the moment I can ^_^

“For Come I may, but Go I must and If men ask you why. May put the blame on the stars and the sun and the white moon and the sky” These are the words of my favorite poem since sixth grade. Anyway So here is a list of places I’d visit the moment I have enough money saved aside and my education is well in place. These are Places in ASIA, I’d visit the moment* I get my passport, some cash, a good camera and permission from my ma 🙂

None of the pictures used are mine, these are not arranged in any order. If you have visited any of these places or are going to, please let me know all about it. 

Here it goes:

1, Huanglong and Jiuzhaigou Areas, Northwest part of Sichaun, China.

( Home of the Giant panda and is famous for it’s colorful pools formed because of some scientific something, will tell you what imaginary audience when I visit it! 😛 )

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2. Ladakh, India and Kashmir – both Azad Kashmir/ Pakistan occupied Kashmir, Pakistan and Kashmir, India. 

Out of all the places I’ve seen it is the single MOST beautiful place on the planet. It’s beautiful. It has everything. The people are beautiful, and the place is spellbinding though the political situation there isn’t very inviting. 

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that’s Pahalgam, the river lidder

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The Valley

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The Kashmir Valley 

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Ladakh 🙂

3. Putorana Plateau, Central siberian plateau, Russia

Putorana translates to the country of lakes with steep banks, and is famous for it’s siberian traps. 

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4. Mount Sanqing, China.

It is a renowned taoist sacred mountain and is absolutely gorgeous.

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5. Palawan Islands, Philippines is UNREAL!

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6. Sundarbans, Bangladesh and India.

It is the  largest single block of tidal halophytic mangrove ( google it! )forest in the world. I’ve read a about it and It isn’t very touristy but it’s something which is far beyond our imagination. These areas haven’t been explored extensively due to their ever-changing scenarios. also it’s the home of the famous Bengal tiger. 

( Amitav Ghosh has also written a brilliant book – The hungry tide, which is set in this region. )

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The Sundarbans Delta- spread across Bangladesh and India

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7. Saryarka Steppe and Lakes, Kazakhstan.

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Unexplored and gorgeous. 

8.  Ölüdeniz( the blue lagoon) and the butterfly valley, Turkey- 

Turkey is my dream destination. Olives, cheese, Asia, Europe, the sea, the hills. Shizz just got real. 😀

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The turquoise coast- The blue lagoon. 

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the butterfly valley

9.Gobi Desert and Mongolian-Manchurian grassland,Mongolia-

 Mongolia is synonymous with the wild, evoking images of seemingly endless steppe wilderness, nomadic herders, Ghengis Khan and the Gobi Desert, and now the glorious grassland

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10. Sagarmatha, Nepal.

Sagarmāthā takes its name from the Nepalese name for Mount Everest which is located in the very north of the zone within the Sagarmatha National park in the Solu Khumbu district. Sagarmāthā means “the Head in the Great Blue Sky”

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11. Kaghan Valley, Pakistan

Here in india, you don’t get to hear a lot about how beautiful Pakistan is. While studying about it I found out about how gorgeous it is and I’m still awestruck. I hope I get to go to half these places. 

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12. Kinabalu, Malaysia

Mount Kinabalu is also the 20th most prominent mountain

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13. Kamchatka Peninsula, Russia and the Valley of geysers

RUSSIA! ^_^

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Volcano Polsky Tolbachik

 

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14. Tabbataha Reef, Philippines-  is an atoll coral reef and a Natural Marine Park in sulu sea composing of two huge atoll (the North Atoll and South Atoll) and the smaller Jessie Beazley Reef.

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15. HaLong bay, Vietnam.

(means “descending dragon bay”) Is exquisite and I’m going there sometime this year !!!

^__^

It’s something like the Palawan Islands but less touristy. B|

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PS: None of the pictures belong to me, I used google so the credit goes to their respective photographers, websites etc.

Leaving is Liberating.

I wrote about the need to leave, A few posts ago. I’d like to elaborate on it.

To leave is pleasure. It’s the journey till the point right before you leave, which is hard. All the planning, the deciding, the choices that you make That is nerve wracking. No one is resistant, no one is is immune to that feeling of nostalgia, and that fear of starting afresh. It’s scary starting anew, It’s intimidating each time but that’s the thrill, you can break free of all the ties, you can break out the walls that have held you captive for so long, you can dream again, dream new, dream upside down, dream monochrome or in technicolor.

You are never one person, you are different persons in different places,at various stages of the clock. You are everything to someone one day, invisible the next. You are everyone and the next minute you are a another bystander glancing their way; someone they’ve never seen before,  someone they are curious to know. Once the curiosity dies, your collective importance begins to diminish, opinions are fixed, the excitement is over, adrenaline is replaced by estrogen, feelings come into play. Yes, I know curiosity killed the cat but it also gave way to the workings of science.

Leaving is a science, an art. Only the toughest can leave, or the weakest. Nothing in the middle ever can. Leaving isn’t moderate, it isn’t neutral, it’s not the safe path, nor the right thing to do. It’s extreme  impulsive, stupid at times. It’s for the downtrodden and the dreamers, It’s for the young or the very old. Leaving is liberating in more ways than one. But those who leave can never stay too long especially with those who stay because either can’t survive with another. The difference is magnetic, it’s compelling, it binds them together but the gap is too much to cover. In the bargain one spirit shatters and the other hardens and neither is in a better place than the other.

To leave is for you and you alone, It’s not a choice but need, Home isn’t a house, it’s hearth, it’s where your head is at the moment. A distant city can be home to me, even when I’ve never been in it’s 100 mile radius.

To travel and to leave are two different things. Don’t confuse them. To travel is to see the world and come back home, and to leave is to leave a home and make another one wherever you go. They don’t know what it’s like to seek comfort in others, in things unknown, in people alien, in cities new and terrifying.. It’s the adrenaline, the fear, the high.

To leave is to be free.

and I leave, every now and then. I’m free. I’m happy.

Who Am I ?

Psychology is one of my subjects and it might be the study I major in, one thing that I’ve learnt by studying it is all of us have issues. ALL of us. We just can’t escape them, and It’s important to come to terms with it and know where and how they originate and how they affect us.

Now back to me, ( I’m such a narcissist ) For a very long time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me,I knew something was though. I knew I wasn’t schizophrenic  neither was I suffering from OCD. I was just unstable, ( I almost came to believe that I had borderline personality disorder) Then one day I realized that I was just weird, plain simple weird. Which isn’t a disorder. I’m as normal, as a weird person can be and I suppose everyone feels like they are ‘unusual’ and ‘weird’. But I still had my issues.

Being an Army brat, I’ve had to change cities and school very often, due to all that unstability while growing up, I can’t commit to anything. I’m very duty conscience IF I’m supposed to do something, I’ll go out of my way and do it but IF I have to commit to something, someone I can’t. I start getting annoyed, I need my space, which is way too much to ask for considering I need a lot of it, I need my things to remain as it is, I need people to not question what I do and how I do it. All in all which is too much to ask for and isn’t fair on the other person.

I need to move houses, need to see new people, travel, I need the change now. I wouldn’t admit it if you’d ask me in person, but I know it. I can’t stay in the same place, with the same people for too long. I’m already in love with the people I’ve never met and the places I’ve never seen. There is this craving in me to leave, I love leaving even though it breaks my heart and I pine for the old place, I love it. I love starting afresh. I love not staying for too long. I’m unpredictable, moody and I leave

and that is what I am. It kills me and a lot of others but that is how it is. It’s easy now, since I know it. Earlier I used to wonder what was wrong with me.

I forgive easy, I leave early, I sleep in late, I’m moody, I’m cranky, I’m hyper. I’m your average teenager with existential crisis.

🙂