Tag Archives: Struggle

30 Day writing Challenge- Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

30 Day writing Challenge-

Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

Officially I’m not in a relationship, I’m just being a horrible person at the moment. So Let me confess I’m not ‘dating’ anyone but I’m sleeping with himself. We are ‘friends with benefits’ So technically I’m single but I’m sleeping with someone and yes, I like him. I don’t think he likes me though. I love it- the No strings attached routine. We cuddle, we laugh, We are cute, we avoid fighting, emotions and all that Jazz. I know it’s not like they show in the movies. I know that He won’t fall for me, One of us will get hurt etc. etc. But sometimes it’s okay to just let go. I don’t like relationships, I’m terrible at them. I don’t talk enough about myself, don’t confide in them , laugh too much, criticize their taste in music, talk to everyone, act nasty, fight at every given chance.


It’s very hard for me, the whole I-don’t-care-for-you facade. It’s not really my thing. I’m honest, sometimes brutally so and I really really like himself. I’ve liked him for almost two years now, Ever since I came to this city. We dated for a while, it didn’t work out for him but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I dated someone else for a while after that (didn’t cheat on him! ), but that didn’t work out as I was still hung up on himself and then I couldn’t connect with him- intellectually. My ex and I – there was nothing to talk about. I can talk to himself even though He is an asshole to me, and If I’m not wrong he is taking me for a ride but I like him and I don’t like people for too long anyway, I get bored, I am unstable but him, he is my shore. I don’t feel a lot for a lot of people, I’m really narcissistic. I like a very few people, that too for a very short period of time. Daddy issues, as some might say. I don’t trust people, I like having fun but that’s where it ends. I’m horrible once you get to know me, I’m moody, I’m annoying, I talk too much, I ‘m loud, foolish, mean and downright nasty.. !

I’ll probably end up getting really hurt in the long haul and I might even deserve it, I suppose but I really don’t care. He is the only person who knows so much about me, who knows me so well and he brings me happiness- even though they are in small dosages  and occassional. It’s worth it. I haven’t really gotten that physical with anyone, and don’t plan to in the near future but I don’t regret any of it. It was fun, It made me happy and It still does. We are cute sometimes too, we cross that line between friends with benefits and a couple are are very cutesy and cuddly, sometimes annoyingly so. So it’s not just sex, For me. He is a friend too, the closest I have at the moment. Though I’d never admit this to him.

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Both of us don’t know what we are doing, atleast I don’t but then again we are 17 and we aren’t supposed to. We are supposed to be foolish, reckless and irrational. It’d break my heart if I see if with anyone, but then again we are ‘just buddies who are sleeping with each other’ so I don’t really have the right and so I will sit here, write anonymously about himself and how awesomely weird things are, and how I love sex, how I really like him ad how he’ll never know any of these things ( unless he knows, already! ).

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I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, because I’m not hurting anyone and really it’s very big a deal. He makes me happy, I talk too much and piss him off. So I hope to get away from the city, get my dream college and a big part of me hopes that he doens’t come to the city where I go to, because honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get over him and I’ve already spent two years thinking/crying/praying/hoping, so now it’s time for me to cut him loose and grow up a little and make a life of my own. I will probably stop being friends with him too, because let’s be honest I don’t think we can ever be just friends. Because I’m half in love with him and I’m just his booty call. So no, Thanks. I’ll pass. 🙂

And then again, as they say-

😉

cheers!

The smirk of the ocean

“what is it about her?” they wondered, Why is she so nonchalant, so endearing. While some were busy spending days thinking about her, She was lost in a dream. dreamers hardly resurface, and she being the queen of dreamers, she almost never did.

With her concoctions brighter than sunlight and her smile crooked-er than the lonely elm , she stood at a distance, under the sunlight, and yet away from  it. It was almost as if the big yellow ball in the sky reflected her light and fought for attention as she brushed him away. As she bent to ease the itch on her calf, she stopped, bent and picked up a pebble and held it against the sun. The pebble rolled down her pocket, she looked at the masses that surrounded her. Some looked away, pretending not to be looking at her, Some smiled and acknowledged her existence; She gave them her crooked, aloof smile; unaware of how magnificently enigmatic that slight smirk was. As her eyes Looked through the crowd,searched for someone, someone who couldn’t be found. The frown lines appeared, her fingers deflected back to the stone as she, felt it against her palm. Cool, stable and constant, She walked towards her group of people,’ her people’ as she called them.

Exchange of pleasantries, a few hugs and smiles but her eyes remained transfixed on one face. The crooked grin finally reached her eyes, It was as though she’d found her pebble again.  The sun shone brighter than ever, she the ever-calm, was fidgety. You could see her struggle and try, she looked almost unsure, almost like us mortals.

It was himself, he made her feel this way. Unsure and insecure, while himself stood tall and confident, she hovered, trying to appear nonchalant, the dreamer had died, and there stood the awkward, frantic, needy being.

She was someone who could disappear in a crowd, never to be found; she could hide in an empty room; she could have all the attention with the blink of an eye and shrug it away with the flick of a finger; she chose to disappear generally. She liked to vanish from the face of earth, and reappear like a magic-act. She was like the ocean, always there but taken for granted, moody and unpredictable; she changed colours like the sea under the sun.

But right now, she struggled. She struggled to stay afloat in her very own ocean, as himself looked through her.