Tag Archives: Rant

In retrospect

Existing, that’s all I am doing right now. Due to my privileged background survival isn’t an issue, my parents will go out of their way to ensure that I survive. I’m not making the most of it, I’m not working at any NGO or doing a worthwhile internship or whatever but I’m happy. I’m as happy as an 18 year old boy with his girlfriend on his lap. Okay. maybe not that happy, but I’m good. I’m reading, eating and listening to some damn good stuff, I am writing trash by the moment, spending time with my mother and my dog, following the world cup. I’m oblivious to all the sorrow and pain in the world.

But then in moments I really want to go back a few years in time, because you know first world problems. Since we are so complacent we need to find something to whine about and hence, I want to go back in time. To a place where everything was familiar. I miss the rut, not school I didn’t like school but I liked the people I used to go to school to. Despite the drama and the nonsense ( I Know it seems easier in the retrospect, but maybe it wasn’t all that hard you know?) I miss seeing those familiar faces, I miss knowing what the other person was about to say, I miss the warmth ( and by warmth, I DO NOT mean the Delhi heat. oooh) I miss the routine, the not-so-great expectations, I miss having everyone a phone call or 5 kms away, I miss my friends not messing around with superscary drugs that I thought only existed in TV shows and books, I miss my friends being sober sometimes and caring, I miss waking up knowing I’ll meet them all and see himself, I miss himself walking me to my bus or picking me up from my place, I miss my best friends just landing up at my place and the comfortable silence.

I miss the long conversations, the lazy mornings, the happy times, I miss making plans which would never come true. I just miss it, and It’s a 3 second thing, when I miss them but goodness gracious it hits me harder than the Delhi heat (No, my room is not air conditioned. I have a lousy fan which functions only when there is electricity. GOOGLE DELHI Temperature, google it now. )

It will be okay, and It is okay and it is just a matter of three second and I just wanted to rant.  

The Milk-Carton Kids – Michigan

An Indie-Folk duo from California, the Milk-Carton kids are mindblowing. You can not stop listening, you can not. They are really great.

Michigan by The Milk-Carton Kids is a song that will take you back in time where you had to leave something behind, for good and as much as it hurt you there was nothing you could do about it.

You took the words right out of my mouth
When you knew that I would need them”

These lines really resonate with me.

On terrible days like today (It was a really really crappy day!) this song seems to echo in your veins and the words seep deep into your mind only to remind you of how alone you are and what if you hadn’t left that part of you behind. It was inevitable, leaving it behind but what if you hadn’t? It’s like feeling homeless when you are sitting under a roof, your roof and feeling orphaned with your parents in the next room or feeling lonely in a room full of people.

It’s the sense of loss and longing and nostalgia that is so overpowering, that you end up questioning yourself. Saudade. The immense feeling of loss for something that will never come back.

It reminds me of how I have left over 6 cities and changed so many schools, the last drive out of that town or city. That moment when you know you can visit but you’ll be a visitor and that someone else will reside in your house, and that you question what home is?

That last drive out of the town, when you look at those things you know like the back of your hand for the last time with those eyes and leaving that part of you behind. When you know you need to leave but you don’t want to, when you know it’s the right thing but it hurts so much.

Maybe I’m reading into it, a little A LITTLE too much. But hey, I had a terrible day. I’m allowed to be philosophize and rant.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEDnGAvjQXw

 

What am I supposed to do now, Without you?

PS: Check out their other songs, they are AWESOME!

One Goodbye, Maybe it’s time etc. Listen to them Imaginary audience.

Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life

Imaginary Audience I can assure you , this is going to be super-depressing. You may bail right now, or halfway through it eitherways I will never find out.

Disclaimer: I like to dramatise things a little, please ignore my theatrical skills ( read: the images)


So, A time when I thought about ending my own life. I’ve had very many moments where I’ve thought of ending my life, sometimes I know I’m kidding other times I’ve to convince myself that it will pass. I’m self destructive, have always been so though in the recent past I’m trying really hard to curb this habit, but as you know Imaginary Audience Old habits are harder to break than Iron Bars. Anywho, the moment I read today’s challenge some instances clicked and I’ll mention them briefly.

Through grades sixth, seventh and eighth my father’s friend sexually abused me whenever he visited us, touched me inappropriately, try to kiss me etc etc, So this once in eighth grade he was staying over at our place and I was sleeping in the next room while my brother and my parents slept in the third room, So that night he tried to get inside my bed and tried to force himself upon me. I managed to bite him, hit him and kick him out of my room but the horror never left. That night I wanted to kill myself.

Then once in the ninth grade my parents were fighting and I know parents fight and my parents fight a lot and things got uglier than ever and I was taking care of my younger brother, picking up things my father was breaking, trying to console ma, hoping that the neighbour’s wouldn’t hear and I remember sitting in the toilet wanting to die, wanting to kill myself.

Then this once I was travelling alone to Jodhpur in the train and Was sitting at the door, while the door was open (yes, here in India you can open the train door and smoke, spit, stare or whatever) and the sun was setting and I felt sad ( I think my abandonment issue were acting up, the fuckers!),  but content because I was in a beautiful place and I realised that I could never see all the beautiful places and the future seemed bleak with my depressing college full of snobs, the deteriorating state of music, lack of talent ( I can’t even breathe properly sometimes let alone walk straight) and I would rather burn out than fade away and I wanted to die. I was sad but content and all of sudden I Couldn’t breathe and I was heaving and crying and I felt tired, I felt as though I was forty at eighteen and it was depressing.  You know the need to make your mark, to debate and fight for the right, the need to do the correct thing, I think I left it in that train that day.

I think that was the day I lost my life, the ambition I had in me. I threw it out of the train with my cigarette bud. That was the day I realised how very menial we are, we are nothing but pricks on the planet and we are as likely to help the universe as we are to harm it ( Johngreenreference ) I didn’t want to change the world, or destroy all nuclear weapons, I just wanted to be. I have never recovered. I’m still that girl sitting there, staring at the sunset with the cigarette between my fingers feeling insignificant. It was that epiphany that changed me. Sometimes I still wish I had followed my instinct that day because I’m a disappointment to the society and my lack of interest in the world worries my parents, but then here I am.

Here I am with these mosquitoes sucking the living daylights out of me, with some good, new music in the background. That’s it for now.

A pensive girl in a library

Do you ever sit in a library and cry? Cry because there are so many beautiful books in the world and we don’t have enough time to read them all, because the pages are yellowing and the words are being forgotten by the moment. Because the world is whizzing past and the books wait endlessly till you succumb to ashes. Do you ever wonder if you’ll get time to read all the books you want to read and all the places you want to see. Does it ever happen while browsing through sections of the library you find a book you had issued but never read, a book you had been wanting to read for years but couldn’t find it, till that very moment when you finally come across it, it’s smiling at you and you want to cry. Do you ever smell the yellowing, crumbling pages and smile at them because here are words that have changed your life and a hundred other lives, and here are words that have made you the person you are and have shown you the person you want to be.

30 DAY WRITING CHALLENGE: DAY 4- YOUR VIEWS ON RELIGION

“Religion is easy”

 

I dislike studying Indian History, I don’t mind reading it and I love knowing things but studying Indian History was something I was always terrible at. I could never remember the dates or the ‘key words’. Though despite that ‘Mughal History’ was something that I always liked. So today my best friend and I went to Jama Masjid ( which to quote wikipedia is the ‘Principle Mosque of Old Delhi’.) My best friend is in town so I took her to Chandni Chowk to have some kick-ass food (read: Kebabs. Delicious, delicious Kebabs :’D) and show her around. She being a history buff has this need to go and visit all the monuments possible and Delhi being Delhi, she was thrilled. Let’s fast-forward, We were standing outside Jama Masjid but were reluctant to enter because we didn’t have anything to cover our heads with, so we were wondering what to do. There was this old man standing next to the gate, he was selling skull caps and other souvenirs, so we asked him if we could enter the mosque without covering our head. He told us that you can buy something from me to cover your head but it’s up to you, We were broke so we asked him if we absolutely had to cover our heads because despite being not-so-religious, hurting religious sentiments wasn’t our aim and the place was too gorgeous to be disrespectful.

Image

 

Anywho, that learned ancient man said something I’ll never forget, He said “Religion is easy” (” Dharam Aasaan hai beta”) and I realised maybe for him it is, maybe it is all about his god for him. In that moment it did seem simple. Maybe it is. I’m not sympathizing with people who commit atrocities in the name of religion here, I think they do not deserve to live (well, some of them) but the idea that maybe it is simple and we being the complex beings that we are, we like to complicate it, abuse it, politicize it, misinterpret it.

Yes, there are religious texts which say some horrid and strange things and I fail to understand the logic behind them, but you don’t have to take everything literally. We all enter this world and we leave it, and we get one shot to do all we want. Who knows if we will ever reincarnate or Attain Nirvana or Go to Heaven or Hell or anything, Why can’t we just want to be happy?

Why can’t we try and be a little more content with what we have, because Honestly, It does make things easier.

“Earth to earth, Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes”

“For Dust you are, to Dust you’ll return”

Yes, I’m quoting the Bible here (i’ve not read it) but this is what all religious texts say, mean.

All we are is a Dust, and Dust is what we’ll ever be. We’re tiny speckles of dust in the universe, we are pricks in this universe. We can never help or harm it, all we can do is try and be happy and bring some happiness to others.

Right now, Today the biggest day of the staggered Indian Elections, A quarter of the Indian Population voted. 815 million people voted, My country a country which runs on religion. Where Religion is politics and Politics is religion, the greatest democracy in the world, might be run by someone who doesn’t believe in Secularity, which in itself is a very scary thought. Not that the oh-so-secular government did any wonders, except maybe wonderfully stealing money from we the people but in a country as diverse as this, An irrational, mass-murdering bigot can not be made to sit at the center. I’m very worried because whatever the outcome, people will suffer and the purpose of democracy is lost because how can you choose between three options one of which is happy being complacent, no not complacent but invisible, saying nothing, doing nothing barring stealing Tax payers’ money; the other one which promotes one religion, (runs on a philosophy which has lost it’s essence over the centuries and has been turned into this crap ass shite which they think is justified for killing people) is intolerant, STUPID ( I mean it, I mean he wanted to declare war on a neighbouring country because 3 Jawans lost their life, I’m not defending their action but killing hundreds of thousands,’ claiming to have declared war if you were in power’ because you are too egotistical and irrational to come up with something reasonable is being stupid. I would like to ask you Mr., Would you have said the same if those Jawans weren’t Hindus?) and crude; the third option is of choosing an Idealist, an anarchist in some ways, An oppurtunist like Nehru some might say, a man who was strong enough to resign instead of giving in and giving up his ideals, but a man who is also not a competent leader. So where does that leave us? The greatest democracy in the World, a country of over 1.2 billion people? What do we do?

Sorry for the rant, From history to jama masjid to religion to Indian politics. Eh. Imaginary Audience, There’s a lot going on in this head. My sincere apologies.

LOVE 😀

Don’t let me down

DON’T LET ME DOWN. TING DI DI DING DING, DON’T LET ME DOWN.:D

OH BEATLES. :’)

This song undoubtedly, is one of my favorite Beatles’ song. I can imagine Lennon’s knees half bent, that beautiful-love struck-but-pained expression on his face, while clenching his fingers in the air with his quivering jaw and moist eyes, yelling,” Don’t let me down!” at Yoko Ono, who is hazy in a white flowy dress while sad.

he smiles at him.

i just cannot seem to get that image out of my head.

SO Yesterday during one of my lectures in college, we were discussing the “whether the Subalterns can speak for themselves” and while everyone in my class, continued to put forth their opinion about the it, all I could think about was How could Chapman Kill Lennon?

That was all that went about in my head, while everyone talked about the real world issues. How could he have done that? I felt like an asshole, but somehow I actually enjoyed the conversation in my head a lot more than the class discussion. It’s not like I am disinterested, I care a lot and I am interested but I think talking about it won’t help and also, music makes me a lot happier than worthless discussions which are forgotten in a minute. I would rather go out and do something than talk about it. Back to Lennon, How could Chapman have killed him? Why is it so that most part of the brilliant music that is created, goes unnoticed in today’s world? The world is an extremely unfair place.

I am such an asshole.

Nobody ever loved me like she does, Oh she does..

A Letter in my drawer

February 1st, 2014

 

Hey, it’s been a while. How have you been, how are things? Is college still as new and shiny as you thought it was or do you now occasionally get tired or even bored of the same old conversations and the same shit over and over again or do you embrace the rut? I’m getting better. I don’t feel like crying the tears which refuse to come out anymore, I feel like the hurricane of emotions is slowly turning into a drizzle and will soon just be the muck in the gutters, uncared for and ignored. I’m okay.  Getting better. I feel like I did after the first break up, but it’s easier because I don’t have to see your face day in and day out, and because I can no longer revolve my every move around you or how’ll I bang into you in the middle of a street, out of the blue. I cant do that anymore. I’m trying to distract myself. I go out and I try to make friends and I did succeed (till an extent). The other night I spoke to this guy till 5 in the morning, I told him about you and what had happened; didn’t give him the details but just told gave him a rough outline of our timeline. I haven’t spoken to anyone since you till 5 AM, I felt like I was cheating on you. Kissing other guys is different, that’s my way of getting back at you and in my weird diabolic mind it does make sense though in reality it doesn’t because you don’t care. I enjoy being promiscuous, I need the attention from you, I need you to yell at me and I need you to ask me to stop but it’s too late now and I can’t stop.. I feel like I’m drowning in my own personal hell. It’s so hard, I kiss others and end up texting someone back home, someone I trust saying that I miss you and that I wish you were here. Sometimes I don’t get myself, but then again neither did you  and since you are logical and rational I must be pretty damn fucked up. I feel like wasting away sometimes and it makes it easier, it strengthens the walls and I honestly don’t care about those guys. I care for them, some of them but it’s purely platonic none of it involving the heart. I don’t let anyone penetrate that deep. Pun intended. I don’t want to hurt them, any of them but sometimes it’s inevitable and though I make it absolutely clear in the beginning somehow it doesn’t always work that way. For if we humans knew to control the workings of the heart, Our lives wouldn’t be such heartbreaking tragedies. Our timeline which spans over two years is frankly very weird. I am scared of saying things now, you know, things which maybe misinterpreted or just interpreted. I’m so very scared and you aren’t here, I now think that you are dead (metaphorically, Ammu’s idea) so I talk to you in my head and have imaginary conversations with you when I crave your company which isn’t very often but I do crave to see your face. I miss it. I miss the fact that you were there, somewhere in the shadows, in the background, I miss having that tiny ray of hope. That too is gone now and it kills me that that something which i thought was so profound and felt so fiercely for, was all this while in my head. But isn’t that all life is about? Life is all about ‘the idea of something’ and how we run behind that idea, day in and out for to find that the idea of it was much better than the reality which is so very different, but we go on lying to ourselves, convincing ourselves of things otherwise, disbelieving what we see, imagining glances which had never passed, words which had never been uttered and end up believing something that never really happened. It gets harder with each passing day and you are vanishing, from my memory. You are decaying and turning into an idea of you and are no longer you. I now, only remember the altered happy memories, the sad ones are deep suppressed and inaffective. Life does go on and I’ll be okay and I’ll like someone once again, one day. I know that. But i’ll be scared to be so very passionate about it and reckless and impulsive. You know why didn’t’ out of sight out of mind’ work with us, with me to be specific because you are so deeply rooted in my system that I can’t filter you out. You introduced me to the things I now love, and I introduced you to the things I Loved and none of them are truly, completely mine anymore. The music I used to listen to 3 years back and my playlist now are two sides of a coin. Apart but joined together by that rim. My favorite movies which you quote and which i quote day in and day out were actually both our favorite movies, our favorites as individuals. My favorite books aren’t my favorite books they are that book he thought was boring, the book he loved, the book he could relate to, the book he didn’t read. All my favorites, all the things that make me happy, all the people I love, all my happy memories, Home, My dog they all revolve around you. Isn’t it weird? How can one separate the yin from the yang? You’ve been the catalyst, you set things in motion and now you have walked out of the stadium saying that it’s my turn to make it big. How can I make my mark, when the very force that drove me to do it when i was in the pits, refuses to acknowledge my  existence? My memories show you as the big looming figure with a husky voice and that smile. I miss your smile, I miss it so much. That smile could end wars and cure cancer, it could make the sun shine and bring out the silver lining. That smile changed things. . Do you still smile when someone says that she can’t finish her burger after begging for a burger all day? Do you still smile someone changes her earrings and hit it lightly with your finger? Do you still wrap your arms around someone’s waist and put your head against her stomach for a while, out of the blue? Do you still start walking when you laugh? Do you still believe in 20 minute post-sex power naps? Do you still like your noodles soupy? Do you still like your breakfast simple and nothing fancy? Do you still want to smoke up very often and claim to do so but are terrible at handling yourself after? Do you still overanalyse everything and every word? Do you still think of me, ever, as anything? Do you still borrow books and not read them and never return them? Do you still scratch your chin when you are stuck somewhere? Do you still care? Because I do. I can never be just friends with you, you were right. It’ll be too hard to see you stand there in front of me without the prospect of touching your face later in the evening, It’ll be too hard to hear you talk about someone else or see you with another person. How did you do it? But then again what I feel for you still exists and you stopped feeling for me back in February 2012. So it’s okay. I don’t blame you or myself, I’m done playing the blame game, I just miss your face. I miss the part of me that was you, I miss the conversations we could have had and we do have in my head. I miss you so much that it physically hurts and there is this feeling of in my throat, it feels like someone is drowning there, in that abyss and it refuses to go away. You are in my Jack Daniels and my Led Zeppelin, you are in my favorite heels and favorite ring, you are all my favorite things and you have ruined them for me in a way because i don’t know if they are still my favorite because of their beauty or because i shared them as memories with you. I can’t separate one from another and it sucks. I miss you so. You made the right choice. This is the correct thing to do, but it makes me so sad. So sad that the ashes in my throat refuse to go away and the thought of your smile makes me sick.It’ll be okay, I’ll be fine. You do to me what the sun does to the first snow, you make me disappear into the pits of the gutter, make me feel insignificant and foolhardy for trying to bring the change, you do to me what cruel do to the stray, pick them up to bring them crashing down or not. you never did any of these things, I wish you had it’d make it easier for me to get over it but..

I’ll be okay, right? I hope you are okay too. You always appear to be fine, but i hope you really really are okay and fine. Oh and before i forget, I miss you a lot. I’ll write again, in the meanwhile i’ll try and be okay and you, go ahead make your mark. I’m here.

Two sides of a coin

What we see around us, is Not always the be all and end all of it. There is always another side to it, another opinion, other side of the coin; but we being the selfish selves that we are, we See what we choose to see, we hear what we expect to hear. Nothing can ever be black and white, there are various shades to every story.
Stories never really end you see, they end where and when you want them to and continue if and when you please.
The human mind is a mysterious, wondrous thing. It is endless and ruthless, It deceives and deciphers other beings, to ensure ones’ existence on this planet. It clings to thing invisible, It alters memories according to your own selfish desires, interprets things and puts forth their ugliness instead of emphasizing on it’s beauty.It is the Mind which establishes things as black and white, and ignores the seven shades of the rainbow. It leaves you adrift, and confused. the complexities of the universe appeal to the mind, it excites the mind, energizes him.
It gives the mind a boost, thus we are often compelled towards people who are self destructive or emotionally scarred. It is the mind who compels us to do that. Being someone who is so hoplessly stuck in the ugly cycle of self-harm and attracted to damaged relationships, people think I’m appealing.
I make them feel like a super hero, they think they can save me, break through my fortified self, bring out the ‘little girl’ in me. What they underestimate is my crazy as fuck mind.
My mind which to SO horribly unpredictable; SO dazzling and devastating all at the same time.

I say superfluous things, in such a mellifluous manner that people can’t help but believe.
It’s an art, a skill. Who needs swag when you’ve got skill 😉
I don’t believe in Humanity, it’s scary how someone so young  can hate humans so much, I just don’t like them.They are such superficial creatures. They crib, cry, solicitate and get away with everything.
They Annihilate everything in their way without batting an eyelid. What’s lacking in humans nowadays is Humanity.

I ‘m fun. I’m a pain. I’m fine. I’m broken. I’m the two sides of a coin, and it’s circular edge.
I should go and study.

For what it’s worth.

I was watching a soap today, and a character in it said this little something which hit me hard, in the face. She said “I really… I really miss him. I want to tell him that I still love him. But I open my mouth and nothing comes out. And everything is terrible.”.

THIS thing that she said, unfortunately for me I understood exactly what she means. Day in and day out, whether wide awake or half sleep, whether driving or walking himself is always at the back of my mind. It has been a year, since we broke up (or he broke up with me) and I did move on (almost) But I did not. I have not budged from the spot where he left me. We are friends. Buddies. Mates. Whatever you want to call it. We’ve had a few “moments” when drunk, and a few “moments” when sober but that’s about it. I care about him, I really care about him and so I’m obnoxious when around him, instead of being cool, calm and composed or whatever that he is looking for. We talk regularly, have the same set of friends but he doesn’t care. And I can’t mash it down, what I feel for him and neither does he care.

He keeps telling me that I talk too much, or I’m imposing or I overact so on and so forth, which makes me feel like sheer unadulterated crap but i talk to him despite all this. I wonder why does he tell me all this, Why should he even notice my behaviour? and then I realize maybe I’m so annoying that he can’t help but notice how horribly stupid I am and How I end up making a fool of myself, everytime. everywhere. So I try to talk less, be less imposing and try to bring the change.

I know I sound really daft, ( I probably am too) but he is this super rational, really great guy so when he says something like that, I suppose it’s right because he isn’t the kind to talk unnecessarily ( I do that though and how! )

Anyway, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the way he smelt, my fingers in his hair, his hands, the way he’d play the guitar, that look on his face while listening to/ playing/ making music, that half smirk of his, the conversations, I miss him so much and there are times when I want to run to him and tell him all about everything and instead I don’t move and wave at him from a distance. There are times, while standing next to him, I smell him by chance and all these things come rushing back and there is so much that I want to say to him and I open my mouth with the scripted conversation in my head, but end up talking about something as trivial as the plan for the evening. Sometimes when he walks past me, I can’t breathe. I don’t mean metaphorically, I physically can’t breathe.

I miss what we had, because despite having been with a lot of guys I never had something like that. I could never talk about everything. All In all I miss him. I never thought it was possible to miss someone who is right there, so much. But it is. No guy can ever match up to him, because he put me up at a pedestal (and kicked my ass). I’m a stress eater, I eat A LOT When I’m stressed but when he starts hitting on these girls and goes out for drinks, I can’t. Eat. I feel like puking. I can’t sleep sometimes, I spend hours thinking about him. I know I’m being foolish and It’s time that I move on, I know all of that, But it just isn’t Happening. He happened when I was busy making plans, and now the plans have long dissolved, and he is long gone but I’m still here.

If he were a bad guy, who was abusive or nasty or a cheat, I’d convince my self that he isn’t worth the time and the energy, but the fault lies in me. I screwed up and always screw up. It’s this inborn talent, I have. I fucked up and ruined things but I tried. I tried so hard to put it back and get him back and tried to explain things, I tried to fight. I still am fighting for him, for us, for what we were but I don’t have any hope because in my heart of heart I know that it’s done. He’s done.

They say, “never give up, fight for what you want”

I’m fighting, I’m fighting so hard. I’m fighting myself too, and the universe refuses to notice the difference. It’s more of a need now. He makes me feel better even now, in this strange place he is home. He makes sense, when I can’t talk to my mother or my best friend and still takes my crap occasionally and reminds me constantly of my dream and tells me that I can do it, when I cease to believe in myself. He’s amazing, occasionally. Maybe because he has no choice. Maybe he thinks he’s obliged to do so. Maybe he is basically a decent soul.

He is my buddy. friend. Mate.

But he is so much more.

I open my mouth, trying to tell him, trying to explain, trying to not look like i’m trying too hard, trying to understand why, trying to do so much.. but I do nothing, I say nothing, I explain nothing, I understand nothing I just stand and smile at him and the universe, and try to remember how he smelt and do nothing…. and everything is So terrible.

But I’ll fight and try some more. Maybe some day. For what it’s worth.