Tag Archives: philosophy

Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life

Imaginary Audience I can assure you , this is going to be super-depressing. You may bail right now, or halfway through it eitherways I will never find out.

Disclaimer: I like to dramatise things a little, please ignore my theatrical skills ( read: the images)


So, A time when I thought about ending my own life. I’ve had very many moments where I’ve thought of ending my life, sometimes I know I’m kidding other times I’ve to convince myself that it will pass. I’m self destructive, have always been so though in the recent past I’m trying really hard to curb this habit, but as you know Imaginary Audience Old habits are harder to break than Iron Bars. Anywho, the moment I read today’s challenge some instances clicked and I’ll mention them briefly.

Through grades sixth, seventh and eighth my father’s friend sexually abused me whenever he visited us, touched me inappropriately, try to kiss me etc etc, So this once in eighth grade he was staying over at our place and I was sleeping in the next room while my brother and my parents slept in the third room, So that night he tried to get inside my bed and tried to force himself upon me. I managed to bite him, hit him and kick him out of my room but the horror never left. That night I wanted to kill myself.

Then once in the ninth grade my parents were fighting and I know parents fight and my parents fight a lot and things got uglier than ever and I was taking care of my younger brother, picking up things my father was breaking, trying to console ma, hoping that the neighbour’s wouldn’t hear and I remember sitting in the toilet wanting to die, wanting to kill myself.

Then this once I was travelling alone to Jodhpur in the train and Was sitting at the door, while the door was open (yes, here in India you can open the train door and smoke, spit, stare or whatever) and the sun was setting and I felt sad ( I think my abandonment issue were acting up, the fuckers!),  but content because I was in a beautiful place and I realised that I could never see all the beautiful places and the future seemed bleak with my depressing college full of snobs, the deteriorating state of music, lack of talent ( I can’t even breathe properly sometimes let alone walk straight) and I would rather burn out than fade away and I wanted to die. I was sad but content and all of sudden I Couldn’t breathe and I was heaving and crying and I felt tired, I felt as though I was forty at eighteen and it was depressing.  You know the need to make your mark, to debate and fight for the right, the need to do the correct thing, I think I left it in that train that day.

I think that was the day I lost my life, the ambition I had in me. I threw it out of the train with my cigarette bud. That was the day I realised how very menial we are, we are nothing but pricks on the planet and we are as likely to help the universe as we are to harm it ( Johngreenreference ) I didn’t want to change the world, or destroy all nuclear weapons, I just wanted to be. I have never recovered. I’m still that girl sitting there, staring at the sunset with the cigarette between my fingers feeling insignificant. It was that epiphany that changed me. Sometimes I still wish I had followed my instinct that day because I’m a disappointment to the society and my lack of interest in the world worries my parents, but then here I am.

Here I am with these mosquitoes sucking the living daylights out of me, with some good, new music in the background. That’s it for now.

What would you tell your daughter?

So today my best friend read this article on thought catalog 101 things that I will teach my daughter. It is a beautiful article, It really is.

101 things I will teach my daughter, Here’s the link:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/leah-froehle/2014/03/101-things-i-will-teach-my-daughters/

Anyway after she read it she told me,”I saw that post on what would you tell your daughter and then I wondered what would I tell her. I thought what I would tell you is what I would tell her. So this is what I would tell you”

And then she sent me this:

“I would tell you to live wise but when has happiness come out of anything wise

I would tell you to live well but when has living well made us soar

I would tell you to put your chin up and look ahead but when has looking back not made us smile

When has sucking our stomachs in and conforming to relationship norms ever been our answer to finding true love

So no I won’t tell you how to breathe and how to fly I will tell you though to find your happiness.

No matter where it lies And not just happiness for today and tomorrow but happiness for life

If its behind the pages of books or under someone’s sheets or in the way the cold feels as it melts beneath your feet

If its staying in a shared apartment with people you don’t know in a strange land

or in a bus full of strange men who play in a band

Whatever it is and wherever it is, find it. Want it and love it.

Do it now because it should be something that makes you happy even when you lay your head down to sleep for the last time.

You are the only one who will live your life and the only one to write in its pages.

Don’t be stuck out here, living in other people’s cages”

 

This is the single most beautiful thing that I’ve read And I have the best best friend in the world, I can never thank my stars enough for her. I think everyone needs to read this because 

1. It’s beautiful

2. It’s honest and real

3. I like to brag about having the best best friend in the world. yes. This is me showing off how much she loves me. 

Imaginary audience, are you jealous?

Oh, you should be. You should be.

So tell me, What would you tell your daughter?

Continue reading What would you tell your daughter?

Hello. I’m back. Sort of.

The last few months have been the best and worst months of my life. My last relevant, sober post was right before these major exams ( apparently the most important exams I will ever right) and surprisingly enough I kicked butt, despite not working hard, fucking around, Abusing substances etc. But despite getting one one of the best colleges in the country and getting the subject of my choice ( my major is English literature) things have been terrible and amazing and the only semi decent thing I’ve written in the last 8 months are my papers.
So, imaginary audience and the voices in my head- my sincere apologies.
I am okay. Alive and I do kick occasionally.
So today a friend of mine was undergoing some crisis, he was cribbing about whether going through the agony of wasting your time , energy, classes, emotions and words over someone you like but you aren’t sure likes you back, worth it.
My roommate didn’t know what to say so she asked me to say something for she didn’t know what to say.
That’s When I had my epiphany ( I’ll talk about it next time)

So this is what I said:

“See. Of what i know when it happens, ‘the whirlwind college romance’, it takes you along with it and doesn’t give you the time to contemplate, you are impulsive and spontaneous and you don’t realize that everything was at stake till you lose it or till you get it all back and more.
You don’t have the option to be confused, you are so into it that whatever the outcome you go on with it till it comes crashing or reaches the pinnacle of happiness you never thought you could have achieved.

The drama and confusion and hurt comes later, do YOU think its worth it because if you do then it is worth all this and more. And If you don’t then leave it be. You always have that option. So you choose. Do you want in ?
The like, love,drama and more. You make the call.

And the books and the movies are right, the songs do begin to make sense both the happy and the sad ones. The heartbreak is as real as they make it out to be, even worse. But good Lord I know for a fact that I’d undergo the confusion and agony of not knowing in the beginning and the heart break in the end a thousand times over only to feel that way. Once more. With anyone. Because there is nothing better than waking up in the morning and looking forward to seeing someone, everyday.
The drama and non sense is worth it.”

My opinion sounds ancient and utopian, maybe its from all the trashy novels that I have read and the Romcoms I’ve watched, I am delusional but I have faced the reality time and time again and though some would disagree that the baggage isn’t worth it and what I am saying is bullshit, it may be I don’t know but believing in this helps me get through the bad days and the good ones always have a chance of getting better.

Writing again is so good.
I’ll complete my thirty day challenge peeps. Oh. I missed this.

Drunk rant.

It’s okay?

Is it? Is it okay to be mediocre and live a life that everyone once lives. Leave no mark, leave no scar. Grow up, do what’s right, do what you are supposed to, get married,  make babies and die? Is that all we exist for?

I am scared. of the ordinary life, the 9-5 job, the marriage, the kids and all the other things I’m supposed to do. I believe in things which I am not supposed to, I live for things which aren’t of any importance.

Ideas are bulletproof, but dreams aren’t.

Dreams are for those who can’t sleep

and if you ask me to lie, I shan’t

For If I lie, I’ll weep

Life goes on they say

It does, I know.

It moves it’s own way’

and I wish I could let it go.

I wish I could live up

to their dreams and fantasies,

I wish I could cross the green seas.

Where the pirates roll,

The mermaids kill.

The stars fall,

And people will,

To change the world,

To dream, of things unknown and unseen,

To dream of things impossible which can be made real,

for the days long gone,

and the nights too short,

for those poeple we mourn,

for and the things we lost.

For the dreams we dreamt of before we could rhyme

For those beings we begged for, before they were mine.

For those cities we visited,

and the people we loved.

For those towers we conquered

and the cities we wrecked

We are the people,

The beings the friends,

We are the people

Who’ll last till the end,

Death and Suicide.

People Die. It’s simple. We come to the planet, get one shot at everything (most of us!), try to leave a mark, succeed or fail, and people die. It’s as simple as that, but somehow someone dying is the hardest thing to bear, it’s most of ours’ worst nightmare. I’m not planning on killing myself or anything, It’s just that people around me, acquaintances, people my friends talk about etc etc are dropping dead. All of a sudden. It’s scary since most of us haven’t exactly had the chance to make our mark, most of them haven’t had that shot we’ve been dreaming of ever since we could dream of things other than meeting micky mouse. ( I still want to meet him! ^_^ )

Death- we can’t escape it.

If we dream about it we are considered to be suicidal.

if we fear it, we are cowards.

My benchmate’s best friend died a week ago, he shot himself in the head. He lives in Delhi and I was visiting Delhi, While she was in pune( teh city where I live). When I found out about it, I didn’t know what to do, I spoke to her while she cried. He didn’t die on the spot, he was put on a ventilator and all. Let’s not get into the Details. in short He passed away. What makes a perfectly normal, happy guy, with a goal in life kill himself? I don’t know, none us do I guess. I reckon it were the circumstances.

I don’t believe in any particular god, and I don’t not believe in god either. I believe in a supreme power, whether it’s a bundle of energy or a spiritual authority I don’t know. There is something I believe in, because when things get bad I hope that that supreme sciento-spiritual energy will help those who help themselves.

I don’t think suicide is a sin. It’s a way of life, some people live life and some don’t. It’s simple. It’s their life and choice. I don’t think he was weak, or a coward. Even in suicide there is courage, to take an action so big, and not only life-altering but also life-ending requires courage. He was impulsive and I suppose in those last few minutes-selfish but sometimes you have to be selfish. Maybe he felt he let himself down and there is no worse feeling in the world. It is very hard to be so selfish that the world around you ceases to exist till such an extent that you can’t see anything but your sorrows, and there is nothing more dreadful to be in a situation like that. Things get better, I know it. We heal, that’s the way of nature but in order to heal we need to stay put for those horrid moments which seem like an eternity, and sometimes those horrid moments break a person. I’m not justifying his act, I hardly knew the guy but tomorrow say someone close to me kills him/herself I’d want to be reminded of these things while I’m sad because when a tragedy hits, rationality runs out of the closest window.

Death leaves a mark, those who crave to leave a mark in life sometimes resort to death, and others just die and leave a mark. Sometimes I feel leaving a mark is overrated, it’s like being popular, there is no peace in popularity and in order to leave a mark more often than not you give up peace. Sometimes I wish I could protect the people around me from death, from doing anything stupid or Naive but it’s not really possible, is it?

I hate to admit A selfish part of me was thankful that it wasn’t my best friend,  because though we don’t talk, we can’t talk. I can’t imagine him not being there, I can’t not imagine any of my close friends not being there. I hate those phoney facebook pages which people create after someone is dead, the statuses. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they aren’t respecting the person’s choice or misfortune. I feel like death is getting closer to me and mine, and it scares me shitless because let’s be honest those who die, have it easy. They are dead and we sit here-waiting, wanting, praying, hoping, crying, regretting. I have always had this weird feeling that I’ll die young, It’s not something I want, It’s just a feeling and I don’t like it. If and when I die I want people to laugh, really, because I know they’ll be sad and I hope they sit and laugh a lot, listen to great music and be happy, or have a dance party maybe and eat a LOT of cake, get very drunk and have sex. In my memory. That’d make me happy.

That’s what I believe if someone kills themselves then after days, months, years whenever one comes to terms with it one should throw a party because they did what they wanted to, they are out of misery and so you must be eternally happy and live some on their behalf.

My Dog Momo :D

I like bugs and cockroaches. They are really chill. I like how roaches run, they are so graceful. I don’t like lizards but grasshopers are beautiful. I like beetles and Lady birds.

Image

But My favorite organism is my dog. He is not an animal, he is too stupid to be an animal and too hyper to be an insect, and too daft to be a reptile. He is  dumber than a doormat. Really. He is more of a rainbow, If rainbows were daft He’d be it. He is also beautiful. Momo ( that’s him) is a true blonde and No, I don’t mean Meryl Streep ( she’s brilliant) He is like one of those moronic blondes you crack jokes about? He is that.

He chews on his paws, wants to make friends with every cat that has roamed the streets. He is scared of cockroaches and barks at every dog who is 5 times his size. He is a cocker spaniel, doesn’t look like one though.

He eats EVERYTHING- potatoes, chicken, pencils, paper, newspapers, onions, leaves, stones, coconut shells, my sadness. EVERYTHING. He comes and puts me to bed at 6 in the morning, everyday without fail. By putting me to bed I mean, Lies down on my bed, expects me to give him a belly rub while he makes weird noises and then makes himself comfortable in our corner, next to the cooler. He bangs my pillows, destroys my homework, Overturns the dustbin, eats my favorite doll.

In winters he quietly enters my quilt and sleeps there, initially curled in a ball and later he spreads himself and expects me to sleep on the floor. He doesn’t like it when I text or talk on the phone or when my friends hug me. He doesn’t like it when I  hug ma. Momo also has this weird habit, if there is a group of girls outside the house he’ll go, jump up and act sexy in front of the prettiest girl of the lot. Everytime. He’s a boy through and through.

I love him.Image

I have realized that the only thing a person truly loves is his/her dog.
Well your parents, you are supposed to love them. Biologically.
They go out of their way for you, SO you love them.
I don’t always like my parents, but I love them.

Others- your friends, humans around you etc.
It’s selfish, if you get something you give something.
If you get attention, you give attention.
If you are loved, you return it. I wish I was a monk.
It’s ridiculous. Life.

..The saddest thing about being a human being is that only another human being can make you feel important.
Trees, birds and flowers don’t help.
and sometimes your dog. But I know my dog loves me, inspite of my flaws, tantrums and exaggerations.

similarly, my dog. I love him. whether he is peeing in the living room, or scratching my hand or molesting his pillow- I love him.

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All the pictures used are mine, Feel free to use them 🙂

Leaving is Liberating.

I wrote about the need to leave, A few posts ago. I’d like to elaborate on it.

To leave is pleasure. It’s the journey till the point right before you leave, which is hard. All the planning, the deciding, the choices that you make That is nerve wracking. No one is resistant, no one is is immune to that feeling of nostalgia, and that fear of starting afresh. It’s scary starting anew, It’s intimidating each time but that’s the thrill, you can break free of all the ties, you can break out the walls that have held you captive for so long, you can dream again, dream new, dream upside down, dream monochrome or in technicolor.

You are never one person, you are different persons in different places,at various stages of the clock. You are everything to someone one day, invisible the next. You are everyone and the next minute you are a another bystander glancing their way; someone they’ve never seen before,  someone they are curious to know. Once the curiosity dies, your collective importance begins to diminish, opinions are fixed, the excitement is over, adrenaline is replaced by estrogen, feelings come into play. Yes, I know curiosity killed the cat but it also gave way to the workings of science.

Leaving is a science, an art. Only the toughest can leave, or the weakest. Nothing in the middle ever can. Leaving isn’t moderate, it isn’t neutral, it’s not the safe path, nor the right thing to do. It’s extreme  impulsive, stupid at times. It’s for the downtrodden and the dreamers, It’s for the young or the very old. Leaving is liberating in more ways than one. But those who leave can never stay too long especially with those who stay because either can’t survive with another. The difference is magnetic, it’s compelling, it binds them together but the gap is too much to cover. In the bargain one spirit shatters and the other hardens and neither is in a better place than the other.

To leave is for you and you alone, It’s not a choice but need, Home isn’t a house, it’s hearth, it’s where your head is at the moment. A distant city can be home to me, even when I’ve never been in it’s 100 mile radius.

To travel and to leave are two different things. Don’t confuse them. To travel is to see the world and come back home, and to leave is to leave a home and make another one wherever you go. They don’t know what it’s like to seek comfort in others, in things unknown, in people alien, in cities new and terrifying.. It’s the adrenaline, the fear, the high.

To leave is to be free.

and I leave, every now and then. I’m free. I’m happy.

Who Am I ?

Psychology is one of my subjects and it might be the study I major in, one thing that I’ve learnt by studying it is all of us have issues. ALL of us. We just can’t escape them, and It’s important to come to terms with it and know where and how they originate and how they affect us.

Now back to me, ( I’m such a narcissist ) For a very long time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me,I knew something was though. I knew I wasn’t schizophrenic  neither was I suffering from OCD. I was just unstable, ( I almost came to believe that I had borderline personality disorder) Then one day I realized that I was just weird, plain simple weird. Which isn’t a disorder. I’m as normal, as a weird person can be and I suppose everyone feels like they are ‘unusual’ and ‘weird’. But I still had my issues.

Being an Army brat, I’ve had to change cities and school very often, due to all that unstability while growing up, I can’t commit to anything. I’m very duty conscience IF I’m supposed to do something, I’ll go out of my way and do it but IF I have to commit to something, someone I can’t. I start getting annoyed, I need my space, which is way too much to ask for considering I need a lot of it, I need my things to remain as it is, I need people to not question what I do and how I do it. All in all which is too much to ask for and isn’t fair on the other person.

I need to move houses, need to see new people, travel, I need the change now. I wouldn’t admit it if you’d ask me in person, but I know it. I can’t stay in the same place, with the same people for too long. I’m already in love with the people I’ve never met and the places I’ve never seen. There is this craving in me to leave, I love leaving even though it breaks my heart and I pine for the old place, I love it. I love starting afresh. I love not staying for too long. I’m unpredictable, moody and I leave

and that is what I am. It kills me and a lot of others but that is how it is. It’s easy now, since I know it. Earlier I used to wonder what was wrong with me.

I forgive easy, I leave early, I sleep in late, I’m moody, I’m cranky, I’m hyper. I’m your average teenager with existential crisis.

🙂

The need to possess more.

Breathe, Eat and Survive. Isn’t that all we human beings were supposed to do, when we first came into existence but soon enough, things began to get complex. Emotions came into play, our basic needs increased, Stress, Kids, having a home. We humans began wearing clothes to look good and fit in, instead of wearing clothes to cover ourselves and protect oneself from the weather. We have evolved, and we still are evolving.

Let’s skip all the biological things and hop on to what I wanted to say.

Despite the fact that we need only air to breathe, clothes to wear, water to drink, food to eat and shelter over our heads for survival why has everything become so complex? things used to be simple, you want something you grow it, or exchange it for something else. You don’t want something, you leave it be.

Now we want more than we need, and sometimes we ignore what we want and go for what others want. Greed, The desperate need to want more of everything is something I don’t understand. I understand if there is a dearth of things and in order to fulfill your needs , you want more of something, but what I don’t understand is when you have a sufficient quantity of everything, why would you want more of it. Why can’t people be happy in what they have? The horrible need to possess more is overpowering the man-kind and how!

Economics is based on the study of scarcity, alternative uses and unlimited wants. The world WILL be a better place if people were more satisfied with what they have, instead of wanting another unit. If only, people would look beyond themselves and into themselves all at once. It’s hard, not to think about oneself and oneself alone for less than 24 hours in a day, but I reckon it’s high time we do it. Otherwise where will we all be in another few years?

 

The Nature does help, it does contribute. If only we use as much as we need, there will eb thing left for all those who have nothing and Maybe then we’ll be a better planet.

 

Two sides of a coin

What we see around us, is Not always the be all and end all of it. There is always another side to it, another opinion, other side of the coin; but we being the selfish selves that we are, we See what we choose to see, we hear what we expect to hear. Nothing can ever be black and white, there are various shades to every story.
Stories never really end you see, they end where and when you want them to and continue if and when you please.
The human mind is a mysterious, wondrous thing. It is endless and ruthless, It deceives and deciphers other beings, to ensure ones’ existence on this planet. It clings to thing invisible, It alters memories according to your own selfish desires, interprets things and puts forth their ugliness instead of emphasizing on it’s beauty.It is the Mind which establishes things as black and white, and ignores the seven shades of the rainbow. It leaves you adrift, and confused. the complexities of the universe appeal to the mind, it excites the mind, energizes him.
It gives the mind a boost, thus we are often compelled towards people who are self destructive or emotionally scarred. It is the mind who compels us to do that. Being someone who is so hoplessly stuck in the ugly cycle of self-harm and attracted to damaged relationships, people think I’m appealing.
I make them feel like a super hero, they think they can save me, break through my fortified self, bring out the ‘little girl’ in me. What they underestimate is my crazy as fuck mind.
My mind which to SO horribly unpredictable; SO dazzling and devastating all at the same time.

I say superfluous things, in such a mellifluous manner that people can’t help but believe.
It’s an art, a skill. Who needs swag when you’ve got skill 😉
I don’t believe in Humanity, it’s scary how someone so young  can hate humans so much, I just don’t like them.They are such superficial creatures. They crib, cry, solicitate and get away with everything.
They Annihilate everything in their way without batting an eyelid. What’s lacking in humans nowadays is Humanity.

I ‘m fun. I’m a pain. I’m fine. I’m broken. I’m the two sides of a coin, and it’s circular edge.
I should go and study.