Tag Archives: People

Black and white

10390466_1458458717731501_3443513200647763425_n

“She woke with a start. The light seeping into her room brought her to reality, her mind still stuck in the place where dreams can be touched was forced to acknowledge the ugly morning. His name was on her lips, she had dreamt of him after months. It was almost as real as the sweat trickling down her back, the dream. She tried to go back to sleep, covered her head with a pillow, focused on the last thing she remembered, to relive it, to go back to the place where he slept with his arm around her waist but it was fast fading and she didn’t know how to grasp on to something that was already so hazy.

She gave up and after laying in bed for a couple of minutes thinking, she got up and went to freshen up. “I hate mornings”, she muttered as she looked in her scratched and parched mirror. She thought about the dream, while under the shower. As cold water cleansed through the previous days grease and sweat, it didn’t do anything for the mess in her mind. Few images from last nights dream remained, She had cheated on someone with him in her dream. How is that even possible? “I would never cheat on anyone, it was a foolish dream”, she convinced herself. ‘Dreams are lies and this was more of a nightmare”

Often labelled as ‘casual but honest’, she was a paradox. Known for not lying or cheating people, her moral compass usually went around in circles, never having been with a guy for very long unlike all of her other friends, she loved with a passion so strong, that it burned out very quick. Attractive and brilliant she felt that people disrupted her zen and hence, she liked things to remain casual. But him, he made her moral compass whizz, faster than the speed of light. She let go of all the boundaries that she had set for herself and loved him, almost gave away her soul but then he left.
People leave, so did he and things went back to square one. The casual sleeping around, the drinking-till-she-forgot-the-guy-she-was-making-out-with’s-name, smoking marlboro reds till her throat gave up, working up till 3:00AM sleeping till 4:00PM, Pornhub and chat rooms, Dark-circles and hangovers, deadlines and nightmares. She was fine, taking each day as it came but every once in a while late at night, when the war in her mind raged wilder than the storm-stricken sea she relapsed and regretted.

Strangely enough, the last few days had been .. happy. She was working with kids these days and nothing brought her more joy. Thus, the dream this morn left her unnerved. She hadn’t purposely thought about him in the last week, she hadn’t gone through their pictures or listened to their songs, he had crossed her mind but then he always crossed her mind. The dream made her jittery, he had been so close and she could see the gleam on his nails, the veins on his neck, the cracks in his lips. Those images flashed by and she shuddered,’is she capable of cheating on someone, Anyone with him? Can she hurt someone who loves her and trusts her just to be with him for another night’ The question haunted her, She didn’t believe in lying or cheating. Very few things in the universe were wrong according to her, cheating constituted as one of those rare things. Cheating can never be justified, she told herself and she would never cheat on anyone for she knew how it felt to be on the receiving end, she managed to convince herself. ‘It was just a dream, a stupid one that too’

* *

Later when she lay in her bed, tired after the long day staring at her Ruby Sparks poster, she wondered if anything is ever Black or White. All her life she set these ideals for herself, tried to not judge others or question their doings but can lying be justified?, she thought as the itch on her ankle screamed murder.
Born in a family where her father had cheated on her mother, her first boyfriend on her, her bestfriend’s first love on her Everywhere around her, cheating only hurt people and isn’t hurting people wrong? So how can anyone ever cheat, she thought isn’t it selfish to do something like this. Would she cheat on someone for him ? No, she wouldn’t but would she leave someone for him? If it came to that Yes, she would. But wouldn’t that constitute as cheating too? She would cheat her feelings, call her words a lie, everything she and someone had dreamt of together would be a lie, she would live a lie, she would fake feelings and words and orgasms, she would and why shouldn’t she?
He made her feel things she never knew she was capable of feeling but what if someone loves her to the stars and back?, she wondered as the sun rose and she realised it was time to sleep
Wasn’t everything supposed to be black and white?

In retrospect

Existing, that’s all I am doing right now. Due to my privileged background survival isn’t an issue, my parents will go out of their way to ensure that I survive. I’m not making the most of it, I’m not working at any NGO or doing a worthwhile internship or whatever but I’m happy. I’m as happy as an 18 year old boy with his girlfriend on his lap. Okay. maybe not that happy, but I’m good. I’m reading, eating and listening to some damn good stuff, I am writing trash by the moment, spending time with my mother and my dog, following the world cup. I’m oblivious to all the sorrow and pain in the world.

But then in moments I really want to go back a few years in time, because you know first world problems. Since we are so complacent we need to find something to whine about and hence, I want to go back in time. To a place where everything was familiar. I miss the rut, not school I didn’t like school but I liked the people I used to go to school to. Despite the drama and the nonsense ( I Know it seems easier in the retrospect, but maybe it wasn’t all that hard you know?) I miss seeing those familiar faces, I miss knowing what the other person was about to say, I miss the warmth ( and by warmth, I DO NOT mean the Delhi heat. oooh) I miss the routine, the not-so-great expectations, I miss having everyone a phone call or 5 kms away, I miss my friends not messing around with superscary drugs that I thought only existed in TV shows and books, I miss my friends being sober sometimes and caring, I miss waking up knowing I’ll meet them all and see himself, I miss himself walking me to my bus or picking me up from my place, I miss my best friends just landing up at my place and the comfortable silence.

I miss the long conversations, the lazy mornings, the happy times, I miss making plans which would never come true. I just miss it, and It’s a 3 second thing, when I miss them but goodness gracious it hits me harder than the Delhi heat (No, my room is not air conditioned. I have a lousy fan which functions only when there is electricity. GOOGLE DELHI Temperature, google it now. )

It will be okay, and It is okay and it is just a matter of three second and I just wanted to rant.  

Day 7: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

I don’t care about Zodiac signs, I’m a Virgo. I know that, beyond that I am clueless about Zodiac signs and I do not believe in them.
My mother on the other hand is a horoscope-fanatic. In a country like mine, where your horoscope is more important than your achievements
I can understand where her fascination stems from.
According to her, she just thinks that it is ‘interesting’ If you insist Ma, If you insist.
Having said that, According to my mother Virgos are painful and unbearable. Her experience with Virgos seems highly limited because I’ve been her only case study and she needs to have a bigger sample study (I’m trying to be all scientific because it’s anything but sciencey, so it’s funny. I’m sorry for my terrible sense of humour). when I told her this, she asked me to look around and see if I know Any ‘Normal Virgo’ (What is normal?) And now, as much as I hate to admit I agree with her because All my friends who were born around my birthday Are a Pain in the Ass, but then I realisIt’s not funny how much they whine and I am the Queen of whiners! So I’ll try not to be painful and unbearable, because I don’t want to be another statistic especially not when it comes to zodiac signs. I mean where is the damn logic?

Also, According to some other people I asked Virgos are obnoxious, loyal (not-promiscious was what they said) and very clean and tidy. And oh, get a load of this they are perfectionists. heh. heh.
Oooops.

I don’t sound very virgo-like. Obnoxious and painful, yep. I admit. But Let’s be honest here Most people my age are unbearable, Most PEOPLE Are unbearable of whichever age.

I personally feel that it;s VERY Stupid, but hey! If it floats your boat then why not! But I’ve a problem with people meeting me, asking me my name and the second thing they want to know is my birthday to gauge my Zodiac sign. It’s infuriating! Why don’t you see for yourself what kind of a person I am, instead of generalising it?
Anywho, I shall read up on Zodiac signs and see if it proves to be correct or if it’s just lucky guesswork.
Will keep you updated Imaginary audience.
Let me know if you think your zodiac sign fits your personality.
Ciao. 😀

Drunk rant.

It’s okay?

Is it? Is it okay to be mediocre and live a life that everyone once lives. Leave no mark, leave no scar. Grow up, do what’s right, do what you are supposed to, get married,  make babies and die? Is that all we exist for?

I am scared. of the ordinary life, the 9-5 job, the marriage, the kids and all the other things I’m supposed to do. I believe in things which I am not supposed to, I live for things which aren’t of any importance.

Ideas are bulletproof, but dreams aren’t.

Dreams are for those who can’t sleep

and if you ask me to lie, I shan’t

For If I lie, I’ll weep

Life goes on they say

It does, I know.

It moves it’s own way’

and I wish I could let it go.

I wish I could live up

to their dreams and fantasies,

I wish I could cross the green seas.

Where the pirates roll,

The mermaids kill.

The stars fall,

And people will,

To change the world,

To dream, of things unknown and unseen,

To dream of things impossible which can be made real,

for the days long gone,

and the nights too short,

for those poeple we mourn,

for and the things we lost.

For the dreams we dreamt of before we could rhyme

For those beings we begged for, before they were mine.

For those cities we visited,

and the people we loved.

For those towers we conquered

and the cities we wrecked

We are the people,

The beings the friends,

We are the people

Who’ll last till the end,

30 Day Writing challenge: Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Ten years is a long long time, I want a lot of things but there are two scenarios in my head and I can’t choose one, to be honest I can but the rational being in me collides with the dreamer in me and it’s a mess. So I’ll write about where I want to be, not where my family/friends/the society expects me to be in 10 years.

I want to travel, I want to see the world. I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t want a house which I call home. I want to leave, see the cities far and wide, travel in buses without knowing where they are going to take me, hook up with people I’ll never see again, eat things I never imagined I’d eat, go to places I dream of every night. I want to travel across the seas, sleep under the stars, meet people one day say goodbye the next. Travelling is grueling, I know that. It is unpredictable, unstable. I want to be free, I want no ties with anyone, I don’t want to take care of anyone but myself If and when I have to, I want to be free of any obligations. For years I’ve taken care of people- people I’m not supposed to take care of. I want freedom.

I don’t want a family, a husband. I want kids maybe 20 years down the lane, but not ten years from now. I want to drink without getting drunk, I want to be a little more polished than I am at the moment, a little less analytical  a little more brave. I want to be happier than I am at the moment. I know I’m almost the girl in the book, Almost. The girl in the book is always alone.She is brave, real and foolish. She is reckless, beautiful and funny. I’m almost there. I can’t stay still and I won’t be able to even ten years from now. I want the dreamer in me to still dream, the kid in me to still watch Saturday morning cartoons. I want to be out there somewhere in the world, with a backpack and a flashlight, looking for a spot to sleep under the stars .. unless there is an apocalypse. I’m not scared of zombies or any of those creatures, I can totally pal up with those beings and chill with them.

In ten years from now I’d want to be a happy traveler and a better person. Less self-centered, More communicative. I’d like to talk less and ‘communicate’ more. Ten years from now I’ll be somewhere on the globe being my self- laughing too loud, dancing in the rain and singing under the sun

As for the zombie Apocalypse,  I’m coming to get ya’ ! ^_^

And finally, as they say

The friend that I have

I have a friend, we have been friends for a very long time. We started off as people who didn’t like each other, became best friends, had the ‘infamous’ fallout in 8th grade ( right out of a book,eh? ) , the drama, the tantrums, the fights and then we grew up ( I, a little and she a LOT ) and now we are friends. Friends is maybe a term too mild to construe what we have, but I’ll go with it for the time being.

We are very different, poles apart some may say. Born on the same day  ( Alas! different months) our set of principles is almost opposite to each others’. She sleeps early and is up early and I’m up all night and I sleep in all day. She is super skinny, I have them thunder thighs She is hardworking and does everything on time, I procrastinate till the eleventh hour and then hurry through. She knows it all- the people, the things, the places; I’m clueless about everything, even the time when I’m wearing a watch. She is really smart, and even more hardworking. I’m smart, but then I’m a lazy ass. She knows what she wants, I know what I don’t want. She is selfless, and I’m selfish and self centered (and horribly so! ) She doesn’t drink, smoke and I drink like it’s my birthright and smoke (occasionally! ) despite my asthma. She can speak in front of people, she is a leader through and through; I lead too but I can’t speak in front of people, I do the work backstage, the invisible but can’t-do-away-with help. She loves kids and wants to go to other third world countries and do things for them, ( I wanted to do that ) but I’d rather travel the world, Forget about the real-issues and just meet new people or make six babies 😛

She wakes me up on weekdays, because she is up and she can’t let me sleep; despite knowing I’ll go back to sleep the moment I hang up. She wakes me up, after she has been to her classes and comes home just to come with me to the doctor because I’m a “fart” and generally by the time I wake up, the doctor is long gone. I make breakfast for her, when it’s time for lunch and she spends 4 hours cleaning my disgusting cupboard, begging me to throw my old clothes ( which have a lot of sentimental value, in my defense) out, to make space for new ones! She buys birthday gifts for me months before my birthday, scolds me when I don’t study before “the most crucial exams of my life”, has faith in me when I don’t, makes me smile when things seemed to have come to a halt, stayed up with me the whole night during my eleventh grade finals because my boyfriend broke up with me, buys food for me when I’m upset, brings me coke and chicken because I’m hungry, fights for me, fights with me. She is the only one I’ll tell how could or bad my sex life is. She takes me to the dentist when I break my teeth, slipping on the bathroom floor when drunk.

She doesn’t judge me, neither does she lie. She knows everything. She knows everyone. I called her up the moment he left the room, She knows that I don’t believe in marriage or relationships, she has a beautiful relationship with the wonderful guy and their relationship is the only one I believe in. She wants a wedding, wants to get married one day and have a family. I don’t want to get married or stay in a place for too long. She saves me from self-destruction. I destroy everything- intentionally or unintentionally, she saves me from it. She brings out the good in me, She lets me dream, she lets me sleep in, she lets me be. she forgives my wrongs, or rights them. She listens to me, unlike the world who are waiting for their turn to speak. I’m careless, she picks up the little pieces I lose on the way and puts them back. She is honest, she is real, she is scary ( sometimes). She makes me question things I take for granted. She forces me to do things which I don’t want to, but end up relishing. She is funny, smart and always there. she is one of the bravest people I know. She is the person I call when I’m drunk, despite knowing that she’ll kill me the next morning.

A few days back I had the worst asthma attack in the history of bad ones, I had a silent chest and was unconscious. I thought I was dead, It was quiet and I couldn’t move or feel anything around me. She was one of the people I saw, I thought of in that state. I saw her there, smiling at me in her lace dress and I though I was dead. One of things that I learnt that night was that come what may I need her there.She sends me cryptic messages, we are weird together. We talk about things which you wouldn’t talk about with another person because it’s weird. She is my friend. My confidant.I don’t tell people everything, I’ve too many secrets. She and himself come to closest to the person I’m under the facade I put up everyday. Himself ignores that person and she embraces it. She comes home, just to say hi to me and give me a hug and then goes her way and I look for coke for her, when all the shops are shut down in the city, and end up buying 7up ( which I like!). We are like Grey and Yang from grey’s anatomy! Even though I hate meredith, I’m weirdly like her ( she likes grey) and She is a lot like yang ( though not as cold, she is much nicer and I think yang is kick-ass, and she doesn’t like yang). We are dark, twisted, weird and messed up. Dreamy and the dreamers.

When I grow old, and if I settle down she’ll be the one spoiling my kids, while I’ll be the one taking her kids out for their first beer and their first rock concerts ( she feels claustrophobic!) While I grow up, smoke up, waste my time, mess around, sleep with people, act like a bum; she’ll be the ideal daughter, doing the right thing the right way. She has to balance things out, right? My ma has hooked faith in her. I have immovable belief in her.

She likes coke, I like sprite. She sounds really polished and grown up, I sound like a 2nd grade Delhite, She reads I read. She writes when she’s sad, I write no matter what. She makes me happy, she lets me dream, she is my saving grace, my yang. She builds, I break. I leave, she stays. She laughs, I smile. She cries, I fight. When my mood swings, she is the reason I’m sane again. I can never thank god enough for her, I can never thank her enough for the person she is because despite my infinite flaws, and issues she doesn’t go, she doesn’t give up. I love her, I love her so fiercely that it scares me sometimes. We can survive without each other, we have our best friends and our lives, but for me everything else falls into the background when we are together.

Himself might be the love of my life, but she is my soul mate.

I love you , to the stars and back. 🙂

 

when you create a mess.
 A mess so utterly impossible to decipher, So impossible to clear.
When you know that you are totally completely and royally screwed.
When you know what you are doing, and you know that it’s not right but you are stupid enough to do it anyway.
When you know what you want and you know that you can’t get it, so you tell your self that there are plenty of fish in the pond and you try to compensate with someone else, and you fail.
Fail miserably.
When you enter a room, and you need that one person to look at you, so you feel that you exist. that one person only. No one and nothing else can make up for it. When you look for a person from the corner of your eyes, in a crowd and breathe when you finally lay your eyes upon up.
When you fuck up so bad. SO bad. and you know that there is no way out and all you can do is wait.
 Wait. . endlessly. hopelessly. for something that will never happen.
yeah.
life sucks.
 supposedly it goes on as well. it is going on, well kinda. but i’d rather it comes to a full stop than move on like this

Two sides of a coin

What we see around us, is Not always the be all and end all of it. There is always another side to it, another opinion, other side of the coin; but we being the selfish selves that we are, we See what we choose to see, we hear what we expect to hear. Nothing can ever be black and white, there are various shades to every story.
Stories never really end you see, they end where and when you want them to and continue if and when you please.
The human mind is a mysterious, wondrous thing. It is endless and ruthless, It deceives and deciphers other beings, to ensure ones’ existence on this planet. It clings to thing invisible, It alters memories according to your own selfish desires, interprets things and puts forth their ugliness instead of emphasizing on it’s beauty.It is the Mind which establishes things as black and white, and ignores the seven shades of the rainbow. It leaves you adrift, and confused. the complexities of the universe appeal to the mind, it excites the mind, energizes him.
It gives the mind a boost, thus we are often compelled towards people who are self destructive or emotionally scarred. It is the mind who compels us to do that. Being someone who is so hoplessly stuck in the ugly cycle of self-harm and attracted to damaged relationships, people think I’m appealing.
I make them feel like a super hero, they think they can save me, break through my fortified self, bring out the ‘little girl’ in me. What they underestimate is my crazy as fuck mind.
My mind which to SO horribly unpredictable; SO dazzling and devastating all at the same time.

I say superfluous things, in such a mellifluous manner that people can’t help but believe.
It’s an art, a skill. Who needs swag when you’ve got skill 😉
I don’t believe in Humanity, it’s scary how someone so young  can hate humans so much, I just don’t like them.They are such superficial creatures. They crib, cry, solicitate and get away with everything.
They Annihilate everything in their way without batting an eyelid. What’s lacking in humans nowadays is Humanity.

I ‘m fun. I’m a pain. I’m fine. I’m broken. I’m the two sides of a coin, and it’s circular edge.
I should go and study.