Tag Archives: Love

Black and white

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“She woke with a start. The light seeping into her room brought her to reality, her mind still stuck in the place where dreams can be touched was forced to acknowledge the ugly morning. His name was on her lips, she had dreamt of him after months. It was almost as real as the sweat trickling down her back, the dream. She tried to go back to sleep, covered her head with a pillow, focused on the last thing she remembered, to relive it, to go back to the place where he slept with his arm around her waist but it was fast fading and she didn’t know how to grasp on to something that was already so hazy.

She gave up and after laying in bed for a couple of minutes thinking, she got up and went to freshen up. “I hate mornings”, she muttered as she looked in her scratched and parched mirror. She thought about the dream, while under the shower. As cold water cleansed through the previous days grease and sweat, it didn’t do anything for the mess in her mind. Few images from last nights dream remained, She had cheated on someone with him in her dream. How is that even possible? “I would never cheat on anyone, it was a foolish dream”, she convinced herself. ‘Dreams are lies and this was more of a nightmare”

Often labelled as ‘casual but honest’, she was a paradox. Known for not lying or cheating people, her moral compass usually went around in circles, never having been with a guy for very long unlike all of her other friends, she loved with a passion so strong, that it burned out very quick. Attractive and brilliant she felt that people disrupted her zen and hence, she liked things to remain casual. But him, he made her moral compass whizz, faster than the speed of light. She let go of all the boundaries that she had set for herself and loved him, almost gave away her soul but then he left.
People leave, so did he and things went back to square one. The casual sleeping around, the drinking-till-she-forgot-the-guy-she-was-making-out-with’s-name, smoking marlboro reds till her throat gave up, working up till 3:00AM sleeping till 4:00PM, Pornhub and chat rooms, Dark-circles and hangovers, deadlines and nightmares. She was fine, taking each day as it came but every once in a while late at night, when the war in her mind raged wilder than the storm-stricken sea she relapsed and regretted.

Strangely enough, the last few days had been .. happy. She was working with kids these days and nothing brought her more joy. Thus, the dream this morn left her unnerved. She hadn’t purposely thought about him in the last week, she hadn’t gone through their pictures or listened to their songs, he had crossed her mind but then he always crossed her mind. The dream made her jittery, he had been so close and she could see the gleam on his nails, the veins on his neck, the cracks in his lips. Those images flashed by and she shuddered,’is she capable of cheating on someone, Anyone with him? Can she hurt someone who loves her and trusts her just to be with him for another night’ The question haunted her, She didn’t believe in lying or cheating. Very few things in the universe were wrong according to her, cheating constituted as one of those rare things. Cheating can never be justified, she told herself and she would never cheat on anyone for she knew how it felt to be on the receiving end, she managed to convince herself. ‘It was just a dream, a stupid one that too’

* *

Later when she lay in her bed, tired after the long day staring at her Ruby Sparks poster, she wondered if anything is ever Black or White. All her life she set these ideals for herself, tried to not judge others or question their doings but can lying be justified?, she thought as the itch on her ankle screamed murder.
Born in a family where her father had cheated on her mother, her first boyfriend on her, her bestfriend’s first love on her Everywhere around her, cheating only hurt people and isn’t hurting people wrong? So how can anyone ever cheat, she thought isn’t it selfish to do something like this. Would she cheat on someone for him ? No, she wouldn’t but would she leave someone for him? If it came to that Yes, she would. But wouldn’t that constitute as cheating too? She would cheat her feelings, call her words a lie, everything she and someone had dreamt of together would be a lie, she would live a lie, she would fake feelings and words and orgasms, she would and why shouldn’t she?
He made her feel things she never knew she was capable of feeling but what if someone loves her to the stars and back?, she wondered as the sun rose and she realised it was time to sleep
Wasn’t everything supposed to be black and white?

When do you stop loving?

Is it when I don’t see your name in my call log

or when I start calling you by your first name?

Is it when long nights are made longer because there is no one to talk to

or when you look away?

Is it when I can’t smell you on my clothes anymore

Or when your number begins to slip from my mind?

Is it when I stop thinking of you

Or when I stop dreaming of your eyes?

Is it when I don’t recognize the expression on your face

or when you have your hands around her waist?

Is it when I haven’t seen you in nine months

or when you haven’t kissed me in eleven?

Is it when you are no longer the voice whispering in my ear

or when he sings our song and I hum along?

Is it when everything seems smaller because I can’t tell you about it

Or is it when I try not think of you when I wake up?

Is it when I hope the timing was wrong

or is it when I hope the chemistry was amiss?

Is it when I sleep with his breath on my neck

Or is it when your words leave my head?

Is it when you lie to me

or is it when you walk away?

When do I stop loving you?

Is it when you give up on me

or is it when I give in?

 

You left, you were right

now let go of my mind

Stop growing in, filling the vessels

the veins, the words

When do you stop loving?

When do I stop loving you?

Continue reading When do you stop loving?

He calls me magic

The stars – invisible

Hidden behind the clouds,

the smoke, the noise

but your eyes

brighter than Sirius

on a summer midnight

Your eyes follow 

follow the crack of my knuckle

My thumb rubbing my ring,

putting my hair back

The hot wind blows

but it seems cool

against the droplets of sweat

on your forehead, along your brow

Your fingers touch my wrist,

my lips, my words

Somewhere in me,

the universe explodes

but the stars dance in front of my eyes

when you whisper the name of the song

I’d been humming, but couldn’t remember

your breath on my shoulder, my neck

my ears 

and the sudden nip

A grin appears, 

soars through my lungs to my throat

Things fade, merge into the background,

cease to exist

My hand across your chest, stomach,

Over your contour

the rise and fall of your breaths

Your bones

you shiver, stare and stop

you put it to your mouth

I feel the weight of a hundred words

on my fingertips

My lips against your,

your day old stubble

and the smooth patches

The tiny mole on your lower lid, your left cheek

the curve of your brow, the slope of your nose

and your mouth which tastes like sunshine

 and sounds like the sea

like the sea it can wreck havoc

It ravages me, It fights with me

It fights for me

It’s denies, accepts. It’s endless

 

A drop of water across the edge of your eye

and those eyes..

..  your eyes trace my body

the glint of my ring, the hair on my brown arms, 

your marks on my shoulder, along my nape

the  pink of my breast, glistening

the skin, the bones, the layers

the scares

Along the stretch marks and scars

Your beautiful mahogany

against my ordinary ordinary

 

 

The sky turns grey, then pink

now blue

Your hair lightens, as the sun goes up

I run my fingers through

A sigh,  A smile and a brush of nerve-endings

you trace circles on my knees 

and I knit dreams in your hair

You kiss my elbows, my palm

You call me magic

and I drown, I drown in the wonder that’s you

Am I your creation or are you mine?

Where are the dragons, the violins?

Because we are enveloped by silence

whispers and glances.

I’m no magic, I’m just a woman

But you, 

I look and I look for ordinary in you

the heave of your chest and soft hair,

the lines around your eyes, 

and your hands, 

those hands make the world spin

the rough edges, the things they say

they do.

I inhale in your smell, your taste

my hair smells of smoke and dust

but my fingers are laced with love

Your arms along my handles, my weight

.. and so I surrender

 

Say the word, stop the chase

No thunder, no Rainstorms

No words, No smirks

Is this here to stay?

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30 Day challenge: Day 10 – Discuss your first love and first kiss

Day 10 – My first love and first kiss

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I’m grinning like an idiot right now. heh. heh. heh.
My first love, I was like 9th grade and it was the 2nd day of school. I was new to that school and during the assembly there was some singing competition and the tall, almost pretty guy sang and played the piano (yep, I’ve a thing for musicians) and 9 months later we started dating. HE blew me off, that boy. He was gorgeous and messed up ( well, who doesn’t have a thing for beautiful, brooding musicians?) It was a whirlwind, We would meet everyday, would talk every second of every day.
I remember it was one day before the new years and we were alone at my place. We were standing in front of the mirror, comparing our heights and the he just held me by my shoulders, bent a little and kissed me. I felt my tummy burst, my knees crumble, my ears ring. I remember those 27 seconds in high definition.
It was everything – the butterflies, the stardust.

He was dramatic, moody, loving, over-possessive, secretive, messed up and that crazy enigmatic smile that would make this world come to halt. The perfect recipe for a beautiful diaster. .I told him everything I possible could, concocted a few impossible stories too and he believed them. He noticed me, the things I’d say, the people I’d meet. After all these years of being bro-zoned, of being the ‘go-to-when-in-trouble friend’ I existed for someone, as a girl. He thought I was pretty despite my unibrow 😛
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He would sing for me and walk out of the room when he didn’t like that I was spending too much time with the ‘other guys’, he’d speak to me every night before I would sleep and if I’d forget to call him, hell would break loose. He would threaten to beat people up and kiss me every chance he got. He would hold my hand around my parents and sit with my mother and crib about me. He used to help me cook, clean and he would play the guitar for me.
Now that I look back, I think It were the hormones talking. We were together for almost five glorious months till things changed and I broke up.

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He became cold and indifferent, He was so cold that nothing I did could thaw the ice in his heart.
I broke up and a few weeks later found out that he had been cheating on me and had patched things up with his ex and was almost sleeping with her. It took 8 months of tears, a rebound, another few months of crying and lot of chicken, coke and chocolate to get over it and a part of me is still tender.
We are still friends I met him last december after a few years, He is still self-centered but he noticed the small things, still careless but would take care of you. Due to the ugly aftermath of the break up, I’d forgotten the happy bits but when I met him, I remembered Why I was head-over-heels crazy in love with that boy and it made me realise that everything isn’t black and white.

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Looking back I realise that he wasn’t a bad person, he just did a bad thing. I’m not defending what he did, It was wrong, I know but despite that I feel he is a great guy and he made me very happy while I was with him. It’s just that his universe revolved around him and so did mine but it’s fine, I’ve learnt and he is happy with someone else, I wonder about the poor girl though. His mood swings were a little hard to handle.
It was good, while it lasted.
He had beautiful hands and a face that could brighten up or cloud over anyday.

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30 day challenge : day 9 – Views on sex

Day 9- Views on sex sex. sex. sex.

 

Food. water. air. Sex

Right now, the only thing that comes to my mind is how much I miss it. Christ. Sex in my opinion is sacred, because it is so beautiful.

I don’t think losing one’s virginity is a very big thing. It’s big, alright but more often that not people blow things out of proportion and give it unnecessary importance. I mean, what the hell. Your hymen, it’ll break eventually but yes, I do believe if and when one decides to have sex he/she should not regret it 10/20 years down the lane. Regretting it the next morning or a year later is one thing but regretting it when you grow up, when you grow older is heartbreaking not just about your hymen-breaking. You shouldn’t regret it. When you look back, it must make you smile. That’s how I feel. Damn right, you should be proud of it.

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I fail to understand why is it such a taboo- sex. Having sex, talking about it. It’s fine for people to have secret porn stashes but the same people don’t tell their kids what it’s all about. Sex is a biological process for lord’s sake. You need to eat. You need to breathe in Oxygen (not pure oxygen! ). you Need to drink water. You need to have sex. And it’s not only to reproduce. I’m not saying have sex when you are 12 or something, wait for a bit but I think putting sex up on a pedestal is foolish.

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Sex is good, It’s the reason why I’m sitting here ranting about the world and the reason you are sitting there are reading this imaginary audience. You want to wait for the right guy/girl, Go ahead! I’m all for it, you don’t want to wait for the right person, Go ahead! I’m all for it. Sex is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It makes me happy. Sex with himself made me really happy. Sex with a guy other than himself also made me really happy. But the problem arises when you confuse sex with feelings, It’s not necessary the person you are having sex with will like you or love you. More often than not it will fizzle out. One needs to be honest to oneself about what’s going on. Sex is a beautiful, messy, crazy thing as long as it is consensual but yes, it does complicate things. It’s amazing but complicated both biologically and emotionally. It can wreck a havoc in someone’s mind and when you do it for the first time or after really long peeing will hurt for the next few hours. It has always complicated things for me.  More often than not I make the mistake of getting involved emotionally and then it gets messy and tissue papers are useless when it comes to this kind of messy.

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Anyway, I hope imaginary audience, that you get some if you want some and I hope you enjoy it as much!tumblr_n3ivxsLkHU1rum7cgo1_500

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 6 – Write thirty interesting facts about yourself

1. I have a tiny little mole on my right breast. ( I have no idea why this was the first thing that came to my mind!)

2. I can sleep for over 72 hours at a stretch ( I only need to pee once every 24 hours and a bottle of water next to me)

3. My feet are always dirty. Always. whoop.

4. I detest Starbucks, Costa Coffee and all these super-commercial, super-trendy franchises. I prefer street food. Oh. Oh. Oh and I don’t like I-phones

5. I spend all my money on books, food, lingerie and alcohol. I don’t buy clothes or go to movies like normal people

6. I have a type when it comes to guys. I like them tall, dark and lanky. Yes. Honestly. I have a type.

7. I love lemonade and Water. I love Lemonade and water more than half of the people I am friends with on facebook

8. I can finish a bottle of Whiskey in one hour fifteen minutes and not puke. I’ll just go to sleep.

 

9. I want to fly a plane, drive a train, own a harley davidson, drive a metro, an auto and a truck

 

10. I really really want to meet Eddie Vedder and touch his face. Like touch it, repeatedly. And run my fingers through his hair.

 

11.  I can not lie. I used to, once upon a time I used to lie even when I didn’t have to but not anymore. I can’t. And even When I lie it’s written all over my face that I am lying.

 

12. I like Literotica but have never read mills and boons or 50 shades of grey

 

13. I want to join the politics and travel the world which is impossible unless I steal tax money and use it to travel the world. (hmm. Sounds like a good idea!)

 

14. I swear a lot. In Many languages.

15.  I really want to have sex on the kitchen slab. Really.

 

16.  I have a terrible sense of humour and  I crack really lame jokes but it doesn’t stop me.

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17. I really want to be good at math. I feel the day I understand calculus is the day I’ll solve all the mysteries of the universe. Which I know is really stupid, but hey!  A girl can dream.

 

18.  I know who Syd Barrett is.


19.  I’m hypocritical when it comes to smoking


20. I love the chase. I LOVE THE THRILL OF THE CHASE and yes I can admit it. The real-deal is something that I’ve never experienced, and mostly when that stage arrives I’m already bored and feel trapped and hence, I bail.

 

21.  I love music. Like everyone, I love music. I love music. I listen to classic rock, post rock, progressive rock, country, jazz, pop, trashy pop, cheap D-grade hindi songs and everything in between. I’m the kind of person who would shuffle through my playlist and play a song while I’m face-to-face fighting with someone, because I feel every situation needs a background score, and I try my level best to achieve that. Music like chilly improves everything. Be it sex or a fight (it’s the same thing in some cases!) If you have any music suggestions pleeeease drop in a comment.


22. I sleep with my underwear on which is weird apparently.

 
23. I can not make out or have sex or sit in a room without music. Wait, I think I’ve already mentioned this. eh. Sorry.

 

24. I rebel against almost everything. More often than not it’s unintentional, It’s very hard for me to come to terms with anything and I end up questioning almost everything a little too much which can be a bit of a problem. sometimes. okay, It’s almost ALWAYS a problem.


25. I HATE COLLEGE. Most college going students LOVE college or sometimes the idea of it, I absofuckinglutely loathe the very concept of college and let’s not talk about how horrid I think that place is. Pretentious people who can only talk about these “so-called-intellectual” things, They are such pseudo-everythings. Christ.

 
26. I don’t like making friends, I honest to god don’t like making new friends. I have too many friends to begin with and it’s hard enough keeping a tab on them, so yes. I don’t like making new friends and the fact that I’m anti-social doesn’t help, It just aggravates the situation. As a result I’ve only half a friend in college and I’ve been here for almost a year. Just half a friend.

 

27. You know what do I love to eat? Nails. Fingernails. I’ve not used a nail cutter to cut my fingernails in over ten years. Yep. Disgusting. I know. I grow them and then eat them. Nails. Yumm.

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28. I am super-possessive about my friends and family, LIKE SUPERRRR possessive. And protective. Also, I love taking care of people and worry a little too much when someone is sick or injured.
29. i like washing utensils and clothes but can’t keep my cupboard organised or my room clean

 

 

30. I have slept with two guys, Was in love with the first and I’m half in love with the second one. Unfortunately for me both of them are unaware of it.

 

 

I had made a list like this sometime last year, here’s the link imaginary audience.

http://starspebblesandcolours.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/things-about-me-which-i-thought-were-normal-but-arent/

Don’t let me down

DON’T LET ME DOWN. TING DI DI DING DING, DON’T LET ME DOWN.:D

OH BEATLES. :’)

This song undoubtedly, is one of my favorite Beatles’ song. I can imagine Lennon’s knees half bent, that beautiful-love struck-but-pained expression on his face, while clenching his fingers in the air with his quivering jaw and moist eyes, yelling,” Don’t let me down!” at Yoko Ono, who is hazy in a white flowy dress while sad.

he smiles at him.

i just cannot seem to get that image out of my head.

SO Yesterday during one of my lectures in college, we were discussing the “whether the Subalterns can speak for themselves” and while everyone in my class, continued to put forth their opinion about the it, all I could think about was How could Chapman Kill Lennon?

That was all that went about in my head, while everyone talked about the real world issues. How could he have done that? I felt like an asshole, but somehow I actually enjoyed the conversation in my head a lot more than the class discussion. It’s not like I am disinterested, I care a lot and I am interested but I think talking about it won’t help and also, music makes me a lot happier than worthless discussions which are forgotten in a minute. I would rather go out and do something than talk about it. Back to Lennon, How could Chapman have killed him? Why is it so that most part of the brilliant music that is created, goes unnoticed in today’s world? The world is an extremely unfair place.

I am such an asshole.

Nobody ever loved me like she does, Oh she does..

What would you tell your daughter?

So today my best friend read this article on thought catalog 101 things that I will teach my daughter. It is a beautiful article, It really is.

101 things I will teach my daughter, Here’s the link:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/leah-froehle/2014/03/101-things-i-will-teach-my-daughters/

Anyway after she read it she told me,”I saw that post on what would you tell your daughter and then I wondered what would I tell her. I thought what I would tell you is what I would tell her. So this is what I would tell you”

And then she sent me this:

“I would tell you to live wise but when has happiness come out of anything wise

I would tell you to live well but when has living well made us soar

I would tell you to put your chin up and look ahead but when has looking back not made us smile

When has sucking our stomachs in and conforming to relationship norms ever been our answer to finding true love

So no I won’t tell you how to breathe and how to fly I will tell you though to find your happiness.

No matter where it lies And not just happiness for today and tomorrow but happiness for life

If its behind the pages of books or under someone’s sheets or in the way the cold feels as it melts beneath your feet

If its staying in a shared apartment with people you don’t know in a strange land

or in a bus full of strange men who play in a band

Whatever it is and wherever it is, find it. Want it and love it.

Do it now because it should be something that makes you happy even when you lay your head down to sleep for the last time.

You are the only one who will live your life and the only one to write in its pages.

Don’t be stuck out here, living in other people’s cages”

 

This is the single most beautiful thing that I’ve read And I have the best best friend in the world, I can never thank my stars enough for her. I think everyone needs to read this because 

1. It’s beautiful

2. It’s honest and real

3. I like to brag about having the best best friend in the world. yes. This is me showing off how much she loves me. 

Imaginary audience, are you jealous?

Oh, you should be. You should be.

So tell me, What would you tell your daughter?

Continue reading What would you tell your daughter?

A Letter in my drawer

February 1st, 2014

 

Hey, it’s been a while. How have you been, how are things? Is college still as new and shiny as you thought it was or do you now occasionally get tired or even bored of the same old conversations and the same shit over and over again or do you embrace the rut? I’m getting better. I don’t feel like crying the tears which refuse to come out anymore, I feel like the hurricane of emotions is slowly turning into a drizzle and will soon just be the muck in the gutters, uncared for and ignored. I’m okay.  Getting better. I feel like I did after the first break up, but it’s easier because I don’t have to see your face day in and day out, and because I can no longer revolve my every move around you or how’ll I bang into you in the middle of a street, out of the blue. I cant do that anymore. I’m trying to distract myself. I go out and I try to make friends and I did succeed (till an extent). The other night I spoke to this guy till 5 in the morning, I told him about you and what had happened; didn’t give him the details but just told gave him a rough outline of our timeline. I haven’t spoken to anyone since you till 5 AM, I felt like I was cheating on you. Kissing other guys is different, that’s my way of getting back at you and in my weird diabolic mind it does make sense though in reality it doesn’t because you don’t care. I enjoy being promiscuous, I need the attention from you, I need you to yell at me and I need you to ask me to stop but it’s too late now and I can’t stop.. I feel like I’m drowning in my own personal hell. It’s so hard, I kiss others and end up texting someone back home, someone I trust saying that I miss you and that I wish you were here. Sometimes I don’t get myself, but then again neither did you  and since you are logical and rational I must be pretty damn fucked up. I feel like wasting away sometimes and it makes it easier, it strengthens the walls and I honestly don’t care about those guys. I care for them, some of them but it’s purely platonic none of it involving the heart. I don’t let anyone penetrate that deep. Pun intended. I don’t want to hurt them, any of them but sometimes it’s inevitable and though I make it absolutely clear in the beginning somehow it doesn’t always work that way. For if we humans knew to control the workings of the heart, Our lives wouldn’t be such heartbreaking tragedies. Our timeline which spans over two years is frankly very weird. I am scared of saying things now, you know, things which maybe misinterpreted or just interpreted. I’m so very scared and you aren’t here, I now think that you are dead (metaphorically, Ammu’s idea) so I talk to you in my head and have imaginary conversations with you when I crave your company which isn’t very often but I do crave to see your face. I miss it. I miss the fact that you were there, somewhere in the shadows, in the background, I miss having that tiny ray of hope. That too is gone now and it kills me that that something which i thought was so profound and felt so fiercely for, was all this while in my head. But isn’t that all life is about? Life is all about ‘the idea of something’ and how we run behind that idea, day in and out for to find that the idea of it was much better than the reality which is so very different, but we go on lying to ourselves, convincing ourselves of things otherwise, disbelieving what we see, imagining glances which had never passed, words which had never been uttered and end up believing something that never really happened. It gets harder with each passing day and you are vanishing, from my memory. You are decaying and turning into an idea of you and are no longer you. I now, only remember the altered happy memories, the sad ones are deep suppressed and inaffective. Life does go on and I’ll be okay and I’ll like someone once again, one day. I know that. But i’ll be scared to be so very passionate about it and reckless and impulsive. You know why didn’t’ out of sight out of mind’ work with us, with me to be specific because you are so deeply rooted in my system that I can’t filter you out. You introduced me to the things I now love, and I introduced you to the things I Loved and none of them are truly, completely mine anymore. The music I used to listen to 3 years back and my playlist now are two sides of a coin. Apart but joined together by that rim. My favorite movies which you quote and which i quote day in and day out were actually both our favorite movies, our favorites as individuals. My favorite books aren’t my favorite books they are that book he thought was boring, the book he loved, the book he could relate to, the book he didn’t read. All my favorites, all the things that make me happy, all the people I love, all my happy memories, Home, My dog they all revolve around you. Isn’t it weird? How can one separate the yin from the yang? You’ve been the catalyst, you set things in motion and now you have walked out of the stadium saying that it’s my turn to make it big. How can I make my mark, when the very force that drove me to do it when i was in the pits, refuses to acknowledge my  existence? My memories show you as the big looming figure with a husky voice and that smile. I miss your smile, I miss it so much. That smile could end wars and cure cancer, it could make the sun shine and bring out the silver lining. That smile changed things. . Do you still smile when someone says that she can’t finish her burger after begging for a burger all day? Do you still smile someone changes her earrings and hit it lightly with your finger? Do you still wrap your arms around someone’s waist and put your head against her stomach for a while, out of the blue? Do you still start walking when you laugh? Do you still believe in 20 minute post-sex power naps? Do you still like your noodles soupy? Do you still like your breakfast simple and nothing fancy? Do you still want to smoke up very often and claim to do so but are terrible at handling yourself after? Do you still overanalyse everything and every word? Do you still think of me, ever, as anything? Do you still borrow books and not read them and never return them? Do you still scratch your chin when you are stuck somewhere? Do you still care? Because I do. I can never be just friends with you, you were right. It’ll be too hard to see you stand there in front of me without the prospect of touching your face later in the evening, It’ll be too hard to hear you talk about someone else or see you with another person. How did you do it? But then again what I feel for you still exists and you stopped feeling for me back in February 2012. So it’s okay. I don’t blame you or myself, I’m done playing the blame game, I just miss your face. I miss the part of me that was you, I miss the conversations we could have had and we do have in my head. I miss you so much that it physically hurts and there is this feeling of in my throat, it feels like someone is drowning there, in that abyss and it refuses to go away. You are in my Jack Daniels and my Led Zeppelin, you are in my favorite heels and favorite ring, you are all my favorite things and you have ruined them for me in a way because i don’t know if they are still my favorite because of their beauty or because i shared them as memories with you. I can’t separate one from another and it sucks. I miss you so. You made the right choice. This is the correct thing to do, but it makes me so sad. So sad that the ashes in my throat refuse to go away and the thought of your smile makes me sick.It’ll be okay, I’ll be fine. You do to me what the sun does to the first snow, you make me disappear into the pits of the gutter, make me feel insignificant and foolhardy for trying to bring the change, you do to me what cruel do to the stray, pick them up to bring them crashing down or not. you never did any of these things, I wish you had it’d make it easier for me to get over it but..

I’ll be okay, right? I hope you are okay too. You always appear to be fine, but i hope you really really are okay and fine. Oh and before i forget, I miss you a lot. I’ll write again, in the meanwhile i’ll try and be okay and you, go ahead make your mark. I’m here.

Hello. I’m back. Sort of.

The last few months have been the best and worst months of my life. My last relevant, sober post was right before these major exams ( apparently the most important exams I will ever right) and surprisingly enough I kicked butt, despite not working hard, fucking around, Abusing substances etc. But despite getting one one of the best colleges in the country and getting the subject of my choice ( my major is English literature) things have been terrible and amazing and the only semi decent thing I’ve written in the last 8 months are my papers.
So, imaginary audience and the voices in my head- my sincere apologies.
I am okay. Alive and I do kick occasionally.
So today a friend of mine was undergoing some crisis, he was cribbing about whether going through the agony of wasting your time , energy, classes, emotions and words over someone you like but you aren’t sure likes you back, worth it.
My roommate didn’t know what to say so she asked me to say something for she didn’t know what to say.
That’s When I had my epiphany ( I’ll talk about it next time)

So this is what I said:

“See. Of what i know when it happens, ‘the whirlwind college romance’, it takes you along with it and doesn’t give you the time to contemplate, you are impulsive and spontaneous and you don’t realize that everything was at stake till you lose it or till you get it all back and more.
You don’t have the option to be confused, you are so into it that whatever the outcome you go on with it till it comes crashing or reaches the pinnacle of happiness you never thought you could have achieved.

The drama and confusion and hurt comes later, do YOU think its worth it because if you do then it is worth all this and more. And If you don’t then leave it be. You always have that option. So you choose. Do you want in ?
The like, love,drama and more. You make the call.

And the books and the movies are right, the songs do begin to make sense both the happy and the sad ones. The heartbreak is as real as they make it out to be, even worse. But good Lord I know for a fact that I’d undergo the confusion and agony of not knowing in the beginning and the heart break in the end a thousand times over only to feel that way. Once more. With anyone. Because there is nothing better than waking up in the morning and looking forward to seeing someone, everyday.
The drama and non sense is worth it.”

My opinion sounds ancient and utopian, maybe its from all the trashy novels that I have read and the Romcoms I’ve watched, I am delusional but I have faced the reality time and time again and though some would disagree that the baggage isn’t worth it and what I am saying is bullshit, it may be I don’t know but believing in this helps me get through the bad days and the good ones always have a chance of getting better.

Writing again is so good.
I’ll complete my thirty day challenge peeps. Oh. I missed this.