Tag Archives: Life

30 day writing challenge ^_^

So I saw this thing on blogspot, about a 30 day writing challenge and I was reallly keen on doing it.

 Basically, you have those thirty topics you write about; one for each day:
Day 1 – Your current relationship, or how single life is
Day 2 – Where you would like to be in ten years
Day 3 – Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 4 – Your views on religion
Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life
Day 6 – Write thirty interesting facts about yourself
Day 7 – Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
Day 8 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life
Day 9 – your views on sex
Day 10 – Discuss your first love and first kiss
Day 11 – Put your music player on shuffle and write ten songs that pop up
Day 12 – Bullet your whole day
Day 13 – Somewhere you would like to move or visit
Day 14 – Your earliest memory
Day 15 – Your favorite books
Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year
Day 18 – Your beliefs
Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents
Day 20 – How important you think education is
Day 21 – One of your favorite shows
Day 22 – How have you changed in the past two years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of five guys who are famous who you find attractive
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why
Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you
Day 27 – A problem that you have had
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Goals for the next thirty days
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.
The next one month is going to be really crazy for me, Since my board result will be coming out and If i screw it up, I ‘m fucked. Really. Since it’s on the basis of these marks that I’ll get the college/course I want/ Anyway, I’ll try and be regular!
I think it’s a great way to put forth your views on topics like drugs, alcohol, education, family etc.
Cheers! 😀

Death and Suicide.

People Die. It’s simple. We come to the planet, get one shot at everything (most of us!), try to leave a mark, succeed or fail, and people die. It’s as simple as that, but somehow someone dying is the hardest thing to bear, it’s most of ours’ worst nightmare. I’m not planning on killing myself or anything, It’s just that people around me, acquaintances, people my friends talk about etc etc are dropping dead. All of a sudden. It’s scary since most of us haven’t exactly had the chance to make our mark, most of them haven’t had that shot we’ve been dreaming of ever since we could dream of things other than meeting micky mouse. ( I still want to meet him! ^_^ )

Death- we can’t escape it.

If we dream about it we are considered to be suicidal.

if we fear it, we are cowards.

My benchmate’s best friend died a week ago, he shot himself in the head. He lives in Delhi and I was visiting Delhi, While she was in pune( teh city where I live). When I found out about it, I didn’t know what to do, I spoke to her while she cried. He didn’t die on the spot, he was put on a ventilator and all. Let’s not get into the Details. in short He passed away. What makes a perfectly normal, happy guy, with a goal in life kill himself? I don’t know, none us do I guess. I reckon it were the circumstances.

I don’t believe in any particular god, and I don’t not believe in god either. I believe in a supreme power, whether it’s a bundle of energy or a spiritual authority I don’t know. There is something I believe in, because when things get bad I hope that that supreme sciento-spiritual energy will help those who help themselves.

I don’t think suicide is a sin. It’s a way of life, some people live life and some don’t. It’s simple. It’s their life and choice. I don’t think he was weak, or a coward. Even in suicide there is courage, to take an action so big, and not only life-altering but also life-ending requires courage. He was impulsive and I suppose in those last few minutes-selfish but sometimes you have to be selfish. Maybe he felt he let himself down and there is no worse feeling in the world. It is very hard to be so selfish that the world around you ceases to exist till such an extent that you can’t see anything but your sorrows, and there is nothing more dreadful to be in a situation like that. Things get better, I know it. We heal, that’s the way of nature but in order to heal we need to stay put for those horrid moments which seem like an eternity, and sometimes those horrid moments break a person. I’m not justifying his act, I hardly knew the guy but tomorrow say someone close to me kills him/herself I’d want to be reminded of these things while I’m sad because when a tragedy hits, rationality runs out of the closest window.

Death leaves a mark, those who crave to leave a mark in life sometimes resort to death, and others just die and leave a mark. Sometimes I feel leaving a mark is overrated, it’s like being popular, there is no peace in popularity and in order to leave a mark more often than not you give up peace. Sometimes I wish I could protect the people around me from death, from doing anything stupid or Naive but it’s not really possible, is it?

I hate to admit A selfish part of me was thankful that it wasn’t my best friend,  because though we don’t talk, we can’t talk. I can’t imagine him not being there, I can’t not imagine any of my close friends not being there. I hate those phoney facebook pages which people create after someone is dead, the statuses. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they aren’t respecting the person’s choice or misfortune. I feel like death is getting closer to me and mine, and it scares me shitless because let’s be honest those who die, have it easy. They are dead and we sit here-waiting, wanting, praying, hoping, crying, regretting. I have always had this weird feeling that I’ll die young, It’s not something I want, It’s just a feeling and I don’t like it. If and when I die I want people to laugh, really, because I know they’ll be sad and I hope they sit and laugh a lot, listen to great music and be happy, or have a dance party maybe and eat a LOT of cake, get very drunk and have sex. In my memory. That’d make me happy.

That’s what I believe if someone kills themselves then after days, months, years whenever one comes to terms with it one should throw a party because they did what they wanted to, they are out of misery and so you must be eternally happy and live some on their behalf.

My Dog Momo :D

I like bugs and cockroaches. They are really chill. I like how roaches run, they are so graceful. I don’t like lizards but grasshopers are beautiful. I like beetles and Lady birds.

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But My favorite organism is my dog. He is not an animal, he is too stupid to be an animal and too hyper to be an insect, and too daft to be a reptile. He is  dumber than a doormat. Really. He is more of a rainbow, If rainbows were daft He’d be it. He is also beautiful. Momo ( that’s him) is a true blonde and No, I don’t mean Meryl Streep ( she’s brilliant) He is like one of those moronic blondes you crack jokes about? He is that.

He chews on his paws, wants to make friends with every cat that has roamed the streets. He is scared of cockroaches and barks at every dog who is 5 times his size. He is a cocker spaniel, doesn’t look like one though.

He eats EVERYTHING- potatoes, chicken, pencils, paper, newspapers, onions, leaves, stones, coconut shells, my sadness. EVERYTHING. He comes and puts me to bed at 6 in the morning, everyday without fail. By putting me to bed I mean, Lies down on my bed, expects me to give him a belly rub while he makes weird noises and then makes himself comfortable in our corner, next to the cooler. He bangs my pillows, destroys my homework, Overturns the dustbin, eats my favorite doll.

In winters he quietly enters my quilt and sleeps there, initially curled in a ball and later he spreads himself and expects me to sleep on the floor. He doesn’t like it when I text or talk on the phone or when my friends hug me. He doesn’t like it when I  hug ma. Momo also has this weird habit, if there is a group of girls outside the house he’ll go, jump up and act sexy in front of the prettiest girl of the lot. Everytime. He’s a boy through and through.

I love him.Image

I have realized that the only thing a person truly loves is his/her dog.
Well your parents, you are supposed to love them. Biologically.
They go out of their way for you, SO you love them.
I don’t always like my parents, but I love them.

Others- your friends, humans around you etc.
It’s selfish, if you get something you give something.
If you get attention, you give attention.
If you are loved, you return it. I wish I was a monk.
It’s ridiculous. Life.

..The saddest thing about being a human being is that only another human being can make you feel important.
Trees, birds and flowers don’t help.
and sometimes your dog. But I know my dog loves me, inspite of my flaws, tantrums and exaggerations.

similarly, my dog. I love him. whether he is peeing in the living room, or scratching my hand or molesting his pillow- I love him.

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All the pictures used are mine, Feel free to use them 🙂

Things about me which I thought were normal but aren’t

Things about me which I thought were normal but aren’t:

1. I sleep with my underwear on.

(I just found out that it’s weird and unhealthy! -_-)

2. I get nightmares, so I’m up for most part of the night and sleep at dawn, when I’m saturated beyond the Imma-get-nightmares-tonight stage

3. I buy expensive lingerie.

( I thought it was normal since everyone in  ALL the chick-flicks and chick-lits did that, till I asked other people my age. Damn. )

4. I wear the same pair of jeans everyday and never put them in for a wash.

(I’m a 17 year old ‘girl’. )

5. I’ve never heard a Nicki Minaj song. Ever. whenever I see her on tv, I flip the channel and I’ve never ever tried to look for her on youtube

6. I’ve never read 50 shades of grey, don’t plan to either.

7. I don’t like chatting, or texting or talking on the phone. I prefer seeing people is real.

8. I eat a lot, unlike other girls my age.

9. I don’t like hugging.

10. I don’t want to get married neither do I want a boyfriend.

11. I have friends spread across the either country. In almost every state.

12. My best friend lives 1749 kms away and is a guy and no I don’t like  him. He is my best buddy.

13. I like living with my parents, I like talking to my mother. I’m supposed to hate her, but she’s really chill.

14. I like not wearing make up and not acting dumb.

15. I can’t pout. I really can’t.

16. I don’t think losing my virginity is a big thing. It’s a thing, yes. but the whole ‘deflowering shit’ is just crap. you want to do it, you do it. with anyone you want in the privacy of your room.

17. I love my family and a few people, and my dog. That’s it.

18. I’m over the “photography phase” but I don’t think I can ever get over horses. ( Lost in translation reference 😛 )

19. I don’t like watching movies, I prefer reading books. I don’t have the patience to sit and watch a whole movie.

20. I like re-watching movies better.

21. I cry during the stupidest of movies, really it’s an art.

22. I think hating math is uncool, and I think I’m really stupid for being bad at it.

23. I think Obama is really goodlooking.

24. I get a cold everymorning and it disappears till the noon. ( asthma-_- )

25. I liked school, it was fun. And I don’t miss it like everyone claims to. It’s like a vacation, I’m happy sitting at home doing nothing.

26. I like football.

27. My eye and hand coordination is really bad.

28. I think Sidney sheldon and chocolate muffins are over-rated.

29.  I like guys who smell good, them smelling good is better than them looking nice. And guys who are smart, really really smart. ( and a good taste in music! 😛 )

30. I love making out, I honestly genuinely love it.

31. I curse a lot.

The friend that I have

I have a friend, we have been friends for a very long time. We started off as people who didn’t like each other, became best friends, had the ‘infamous’ fallout in 8th grade ( right out of a book,eh? ) , the drama, the tantrums, the fights and then we grew up ( I, a little and she a LOT ) and now we are friends. Friends is maybe a term too mild to construe what we have, but I’ll go with it for the time being.

We are very different, poles apart some may say. Born on the same day  ( Alas! different months) our set of principles is almost opposite to each others’. She sleeps early and is up early and I’m up all night and I sleep in all day. She is super skinny, I have them thunder thighs She is hardworking and does everything on time, I procrastinate till the eleventh hour and then hurry through. She knows it all- the people, the things, the places; I’m clueless about everything, even the time when I’m wearing a watch. She is really smart, and even more hardworking. I’m smart, but then I’m a lazy ass. She knows what she wants, I know what I don’t want. She is selfless, and I’m selfish and self centered (and horribly so! ) She doesn’t drink, smoke and I drink like it’s my birthright and smoke (occasionally! ) despite my asthma. She can speak in front of people, she is a leader through and through; I lead too but I can’t speak in front of people, I do the work backstage, the invisible but can’t-do-away-with help. She loves kids and wants to go to other third world countries and do things for them, ( I wanted to do that ) but I’d rather travel the world, Forget about the real-issues and just meet new people or make six babies 😛

She wakes me up on weekdays, because she is up and she can’t let me sleep; despite knowing I’ll go back to sleep the moment I hang up. She wakes me up, after she has been to her classes and comes home just to come with me to the doctor because I’m a “fart” and generally by the time I wake up, the doctor is long gone. I make breakfast for her, when it’s time for lunch and she spends 4 hours cleaning my disgusting cupboard, begging me to throw my old clothes ( which have a lot of sentimental value, in my defense) out, to make space for new ones! She buys birthday gifts for me months before my birthday, scolds me when I don’t study before “the most crucial exams of my life”, has faith in me when I don’t, makes me smile when things seemed to have come to a halt, stayed up with me the whole night during my eleventh grade finals because my boyfriend broke up with me, buys food for me when I’m upset, brings me coke and chicken because I’m hungry, fights for me, fights with me. She is the only one I’ll tell how could or bad my sex life is. She takes me to the dentist when I break my teeth, slipping on the bathroom floor when drunk.

She doesn’t judge me, neither does she lie. She knows everything. She knows everyone. I called her up the moment he left the room, She knows that I don’t believe in marriage or relationships, she has a beautiful relationship with the wonderful guy and their relationship is the only one I believe in. She wants a wedding, wants to get married one day and have a family. I don’t want to get married or stay in a place for too long. She saves me from self-destruction. I destroy everything- intentionally or unintentionally, she saves me from it. She brings out the good in me, She lets me dream, she lets me sleep in, she lets me be. she forgives my wrongs, or rights them. She listens to me, unlike the world who are waiting for their turn to speak. I’m careless, she picks up the little pieces I lose on the way and puts them back. She is honest, she is real, she is scary ( sometimes). She makes me question things I take for granted. She forces me to do things which I don’t want to, but end up relishing. She is funny, smart and always there. she is one of the bravest people I know. She is the person I call when I’m drunk, despite knowing that she’ll kill me the next morning.

A few days back I had the worst asthma attack in the history of bad ones, I had a silent chest and was unconscious. I thought I was dead, It was quiet and I couldn’t move or feel anything around me. She was one of the people I saw, I thought of in that state. I saw her there, smiling at me in her lace dress and I though I was dead. One of things that I learnt that night was that come what may I need her there.She sends me cryptic messages, we are weird together. We talk about things which you wouldn’t talk about with another person because it’s weird. She is my friend. My confidant.I don’t tell people everything, I’ve too many secrets. She and himself come to closest to the person I’m under the facade I put up everyday. Himself ignores that person and she embraces it. She comes home, just to say hi to me and give me a hug and then goes her way and I look for coke for her, when all the shops are shut down in the city, and end up buying 7up ( which I like!). We are like Grey and Yang from grey’s anatomy! Even though I hate meredith, I’m weirdly like her ( she likes grey) and She is a lot like yang ( though not as cold, she is much nicer and I think yang is kick-ass, and she doesn’t like yang). We are dark, twisted, weird and messed up. Dreamy and the dreamers.

When I grow old, and if I settle down she’ll be the one spoiling my kids, while I’ll be the one taking her kids out for their first beer and their first rock concerts ( she feels claustrophobic!) While I grow up, smoke up, waste my time, mess around, sleep with people, act like a bum; she’ll be the ideal daughter, doing the right thing the right way. She has to balance things out, right? My ma has hooked faith in her. I have immovable belief in her.

She likes coke, I like sprite. She sounds really polished and grown up, I sound like a 2nd grade Delhite, She reads I read. She writes when she’s sad, I write no matter what. She makes me happy, she lets me dream, she is my saving grace, my yang. She builds, I break. I leave, she stays. She laughs, I smile. She cries, I fight. When my mood swings, she is the reason I’m sane again. I can never thank god enough for her, I can never thank her enough for the person she is because despite my infinite flaws, and issues she doesn’t go, she doesn’t give up. I love her, I love her so fiercely that it scares me sometimes. We can survive without each other, we have our best friends and our lives, but for me everything else falls into the background when we are together.

Himself might be the love of my life, but she is my soul mate.

I love you , to the stars and back. 🙂

 

Leaving is Liberating.

I wrote about the need to leave, A few posts ago. I’d like to elaborate on it.

To leave is pleasure. It’s the journey till the point right before you leave, which is hard. All the planning, the deciding, the choices that you make That is nerve wracking. No one is resistant, no one is is immune to that feeling of nostalgia, and that fear of starting afresh. It’s scary starting anew, It’s intimidating each time but that’s the thrill, you can break free of all the ties, you can break out the walls that have held you captive for so long, you can dream again, dream new, dream upside down, dream monochrome or in technicolor.

You are never one person, you are different persons in different places,at various stages of the clock. You are everything to someone one day, invisible the next. You are everyone and the next minute you are a another bystander glancing their way; someone they’ve never seen before,  someone they are curious to know. Once the curiosity dies, your collective importance begins to diminish, opinions are fixed, the excitement is over, adrenaline is replaced by estrogen, feelings come into play. Yes, I know curiosity killed the cat but it also gave way to the workings of science.

Leaving is a science, an art. Only the toughest can leave, or the weakest. Nothing in the middle ever can. Leaving isn’t moderate, it isn’t neutral, it’s not the safe path, nor the right thing to do. It’s extreme  impulsive, stupid at times. It’s for the downtrodden and the dreamers, It’s for the young or the very old. Leaving is liberating in more ways than one. But those who leave can never stay too long especially with those who stay because either can’t survive with another. The difference is magnetic, it’s compelling, it binds them together but the gap is too much to cover. In the bargain one spirit shatters and the other hardens and neither is in a better place than the other.

To leave is for you and you alone, It’s not a choice but need, Home isn’t a house, it’s hearth, it’s where your head is at the moment. A distant city can be home to me, even when I’ve never been in it’s 100 mile radius.

To travel and to leave are two different things. Don’t confuse them. To travel is to see the world and come back home, and to leave is to leave a home and make another one wherever you go. They don’t know what it’s like to seek comfort in others, in things unknown, in people alien, in cities new and terrifying.. It’s the adrenaline, the fear, the high.

To leave is to be free.

and I leave, every now and then. I’m free. I’m happy.

Who Am I ?

Psychology is one of my subjects and it might be the study I major in, one thing that I’ve learnt by studying it is all of us have issues. ALL of us. We just can’t escape them, and It’s important to come to terms with it and know where and how they originate and how they affect us.

Now back to me, ( I’m such a narcissist ) For a very long time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me,I knew something was though. I knew I wasn’t schizophrenic  neither was I suffering from OCD. I was just unstable, ( I almost came to believe that I had borderline personality disorder) Then one day I realized that I was just weird, plain simple weird. Which isn’t a disorder. I’m as normal, as a weird person can be and I suppose everyone feels like they are ‘unusual’ and ‘weird’. But I still had my issues.

Being an Army brat, I’ve had to change cities and school very often, due to all that unstability while growing up, I can’t commit to anything. I’m very duty conscience IF I’m supposed to do something, I’ll go out of my way and do it but IF I have to commit to something, someone I can’t. I start getting annoyed, I need my space, which is way too much to ask for considering I need a lot of it, I need my things to remain as it is, I need people to not question what I do and how I do it. All in all which is too much to ask for and isn’t fair on the other person.

I need to move houses, need to see new people, travel, I need the change now. I wouldn’t admit it if you’d ask me in person, but I know it. I can’t stay in the same place, with the same people for too long. I’m already in love with the people I’ve never met and the places I’ve never seen. There is this craving in me to leave, I love leaving even though it breaks my heart and I pine for the old place, I love it. I love starting afresh. I love not staying for too long. I’m unpredictable, moody and I leave

and that is what I am. It kills me and a lot of others but that is how it is. It’s easy now, since I know it. Earlier I used to wonder what was wrong with me.

I forgive easy, I leave early, I sleep in late, I’m moody, I’m cranky, I’m hyper. I’m your average teenager with existential crisis.

🙂

when you create a mess.
 A mess so utterly impossible to decipher, So impossible to clear.
When you know that you are totally completely and royally screwed.
When you know what you are doing, and you know that it’s not right but you are stupid enough to do it anyway.
When you know what you want and you know that you can’t get it, so you tell your self that there are plenty of fish in the pond and you try to compensate with someone else, and you fail.
Fail miserably.
When you enter a room, and you need that one person to look at you, so you feel that you exist. that one person only. No one and nothing else can make up for it. When you look for a person from the corner of your eyes, in a crowd and breathe when you finally lay your eyes upon up.
When you fuck up so bad. SO bad. and you know that there is no way out and all you can do is wait.
 Wait. . endlessly. hopelessly. for something that will never happen.
yeah.
life sucks.
 supposedly it goes on as well. it is going on, well kinda. but i’d rather it comes to a full stop than move on like this

What I want.

Most people around me are so sure of what they want to do with their life. Whether good or bad, Lucrative or not, They sound so Sure and It freaks me out. I’m seventeen. I’ve been on this planet for 17 years and that is absolutely nothing, how am I supposed to know What I want to do for the rest of my life. How am I supposed to know what I want to do everyday for every year, for the rest of my life. Right now I should be focusing on getting out of a school, and not about getting into another one. I mean one moment I’m struggling with calculus and the next I’ve to make these major, life-altering decisions. What Do I know about Life anyway?

I’ve not seen anything beyond the front and the back of my porch.

It’s unnerving. I know what I don’t want to do, I’ve always been very sure of that but What I don’t know is what I want. I want to do too many things, and then not do them at all.

I mean I suppose for all of us, there are things that we should do, things which will give us the base, the foundation we need, the right things to do AND then there are things which are Next to impossible, waving at us, smiling at us and we know they aren’t wrong but impossible and they are dreams, and it’s scary going for them.

It’s funny how they show in movies, when someone has a suck-ass professional life and then they take up something they are really passionate about and their business begins to flourish, It’s utter bullshit. I mean we spend our life spinning dreams, making up conversations and scenarios in our head but they never really work out.

Things happen, along the same path occasionally but It’s never exactly what we want, but then again do we really know what we want?

I like and want to do everything that is new and shiny, I’m like a 3 year old. Anything that sounds fun and interesting, I want to do it. What I tend to forget is the path to reach that bloody point. It’s fun and shiny for THEM, because they are through with all the donkey work and Now Things are smooth.

Don’t we all want to smooth bit and the working hard bit is what we all want to ignore, Atleast I do it. I suppose when I grow up a little, see the world some more maybe then I’ll understand.

I’m not sure of what I want, most of the 8 billion residing on the planet aren’t, but I don’t want to end up as another statistic.

but then again, most of the 8 billion people residing on the planet want the same,right?

Two sides of a coin

What we see around us, is Not always the be all and end all of it. There is always another side to it, another opinion, other side of the coin; but we being the selfish selves that we are, we See what we choose to see, we hear what we expect to hear. Nothing can ever be black and white, there are various shades to every story.
Stories never really end you see, they end where and when you want them to and continue if and when you please.
The human mind is a mysterious, wondrous thing. It is endless and ruthless, It deceives and deciphers other beings, to ensure ones’ existence on this planet. It clings to thing invisible, It alters memories according to your own selfish desires, interprets things and puts forth their ugliness instead of emphasizing on it’s beauty.It is the Mind which establishes things as black and white, and ignores the seven shades of the rainbow. It leaves you adrift, and confused. the complexities of the universe appeal to the mind, it excites the mind, energizes him.
It gives the mind a boost, thus we are often compelled towards people who are self destructive or emotionally scarred. It is the mind who compels us to do that. Being someone who is so hoplessly stuck in the ugly cycle of self-harm and attracted to damaged relationships, people think I’m appealing.
I make them feel like a super hero, they think they can save me, break through my fortified self, bring out the ‘little girl’ in me. What they underestimate is my crazy as fuck mind.
My mind which to SO horribly unpredictable; SO dazzling and devastating all at the same time.

I say superfluous things, in such a mellifluous manner that people can’t help but believe.
It’s an art, a skill. Who needs swag when you’ve got skill 😉
I don’t believe in Humanity, it’s scary how someone so young  can hate humans so much, I just don’t like them.They are such superficial creatures. They crib, cry, solicitate and get away with everything.
They Annihilate everything in their way without batting an eyelid. What’s lacking in humans nowadays is Humanity.

I ‘m fun. I’m a pain. I’m fine. I’m broken. I’m the two sides of a coin, and it’s circular edge.
I should go and study.