Tag Archives: journey

30 Day writing Challenge: Day 12- Bullet your whole day

Yesterday I was going back to Delhi from Pune. Pune is where my friends are and where I did my schooling from, Delhi is where my mother just moved to and where my college is. I had gone to Pune for my vacations, for about 10 days. I was in the train yesterday, I reached Delhi around 11:00 PM.

  • 12:00 AM – Was reading Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
  • around 12:45 AM Went out of my compartment for a smoke
  • Kept calling people for Worldcup updates
  • Read a chapter of Midnight’s Children by Rushdie
  • 1:30AM got off at Chalisgaon junction, for a minute to buy some water
  • Ignored the stares and swore to always buy 10 bottles of water in broad daylight
  • Ran towards to train because the stupid piece of shit began moving
  • 1:35 AM – Listened to some black keys
  • Cried some for Spain, wondered about how could netherlands underperform like that.
  • around 2:15ish – sat at the door and cried for Pune and for those people I call friends
  • Enjoyed the last of Rain and the cool breeze because Delhi summers can kill you
  • Went back to my seat, listened to some oasis and Nirvana till 4:00 and eventually dozed off
  • woke up around 11:00-11:30, smoked a cigarette
  • Went back to sleep because I wanted to daydream somemore about the so-called-new-found-love of my life.
  • Woke up at 12:45 to Pee and eat a little something. 
  • Had some blue lays, checked my phone for texts from my terrible friends (there weren’t any)
  • Went back to sleeping and daydreaming
  • Woke up again, had some mango juice
  • smoked another cigarette, took a dump
  • Finished the book Into the Wild 
  • Started watching Into the wild – The movie
  • Watched twenty minutes of it, didn’t feel like it
  • re-watched 500 days of summer
  • Read some midnight’s children
  • Had some mint chocolate, okay A LOT OF MINT CHOCOLATE (note: I don’t like mint chocolate but It’s like this compulsion where you have one and you need to have another few hundred milk chocolates. ya’know? )
  • Walked about the train, spoke to a few people
  • stared at a couple getting all coupley. hehehehhehehehhe. luls. PDA IS AWESOME! 
  • Played with a couple of kids. They had clay and were making shiz with clay so yea, I joined them. I LOVE CLAY. I LOVE KIDS.
  • Spoke to a  woman my  ma’s age who had a daughter my age. (I had a lot of mutual friends with her daughter too. Whoooop. This is such a small world!) 
  • She kept saying things, my ma would say and kept telling me how people my age usually are and how I’m slightly off. (she didn’t say this in words but yes, she almost nearly said it)
  • Learnt a lot from her about the workings of a mother’s mind. 
  • Cried some for Spain. 😐
  • Applauded the performance by other “apparently weaker” countries. Damn this worldcup is SO EXCITING. 
  • Waited for Delhi, as the train was running late by 2 hours.
  • smoked another cigarette, breathed in the HOT north Indian air. :\
  • Dozed off again while that woman watched seven pounds on my Laptop (I’ve never seen seven pounds.)
  • Woke up, unchained my bag, packed my stuff, waited some more for Delhi
  • Kept calling people for the world cup updates
  • Reached Delhi at 10:30 PM
  • Hitched a ride with this other woman I’d been talking to
  • She was going where I lived
  • Went across the city with her and her brother
  • spoke to Them, learnt a lot about rich people and how they make money.
  • 11:20 PM Got off near my place, smoked some and walked back home. 
  • Met my DOG after 11 days! 😀 
  • met my ma and brother after 11 days
  • Ate Ghar ka khana (a Home cooked meal) and whined about how hot it is in Delhi
  • Started watching the Match. 

 

Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life

Imaginary Audience I can assure you , this is going to be super-depressing. You may bail right now, or halfway through it eitherways I will never find out.

Disclaimer: I like to dramatise things a little, please ignore my theatrical skills ( read: the images)


So, A time when I thought about ending my own life. I’ve had very many moments where I’ve thought of ending my life, sometimes I know I’m kidding other times I’ve to convince myself that it will pass. I’m self destructive, have always been so though in the recent past I’m trying really hard to curb this habit, but as you know Imaginary Audience Old habits are harder to break than Iron Bars. Anywho, the moment I read today’s challenge some instances clicked and I’ll mention them briefly.

Through grades sixth, seventh and eighth my father’s friend sexually abused me whenever he visited us, touched me inappropriately, try to kiss me etc etc, So this once in eighth grade he was staying over at our place and I was sleeping in the next room while my brother and my parents slept in the third room, So that night he tried to get inside my bed and tried to force himself upon me. I managed to bite him, hit him and kick him out of my room but the horror never left. That night I wanted to kill myself.

Then once in the ninth grade my parents were fighting and I know parents fight and my parents fight a lot and things got uglier than ever and I was taking care of my younger brother, picking up things my father was breaking, trying to console ma, hoping that the neighbour’s wouldn’t hear and I remember sitting in the toilet wanting to die, wanting to kill myself.

Then this once I was travelling alone to Jodhpur in the train and Was sitting at the door, while the door was open (yes, here in India you can open the train door and smoke, spit, stare or whatever) and the sun was setting and I felt sad ( I think my abandonment issue were acting up, the fuckers!),  but content because I was in a beautiful place and I realised that I could never see all the beautiful places and the future seemed bleak with my depressing college full of snobs, the deteriorating state of music, lack of talent ( I can’t even breathe properly sometimes let alone walk straight) and I would rather burn out than fade away and I wanted to die. I was sad but content and all of sudden I Couldn’t breathe and I was heaving and crying and I felt tired, I felt as though I was forty at eighteen and it was depressing.  You know the need to make your mark, to debate and fight for the right, the need to do the correct thing, I think I left it in that train that day.

I think that was the day I lost my life, the ambition I had in me. I threw it out of the train with my cigarette bud. That was the day I realised how very menial we are, we are nothing but pricks on the planet and we are as likely to help the universe as we are to harm it ( Johngreenreference ) I didn’t want to change the world, or destroy all nuclear weapons, I just wanted to be. I have never recovered. I’m still that girl sitting there, staring at the sunset with the cigarette between my fingers feeling insignificant. It was that epiphany that changed me. Sometimes I still wish I had followed my instinct that day because I’m a disappointment to the society and my lack of interest in the world worries my parents, but then here I am.

Here I am with these mosquitoes sucking the living daylights out of me, with some good, new music in the background. That’s it for now.