Tag Archives: Himself

In retrospect

Existing, that’s all I am doing right now. Due to my privileged background survival isn’t an issue, my parents will go out of their way to ensure that I survive. I’m not making the most of it, I’m not working at any NGO or doing a worthwhile internship or whatever but I’m happy. I’m as happy as an 18 year old boy with his girlfriend on his lap. Okay. maybe not that happy, but I’m good. I’m reading, eating and listening to some damn good stuff, I am writing trash by the moment, spending time with my mother and my dog, following the world cup. I’m oblivious to all the sorrow and pain in the world.

But then in moments I really want to go back a few years in time, because you know first world problems. Since we are so complacent we need to find something to whine about and hence, I want to go back in time. To a place where everything was familiar. I miss the rut, not school I didn’t like school but I liked the people I used to go to school to. Despite the drama and the nonsense ( I Know it seems easier in the retrospect, but maybe it wasn’t all that hard you know?) I miss seeing those familiar faces, I miss knowing what the other person was about to say, I miss the warmth ( and by warmth, I DO NOT mean the Delhi heat. oooh) I miss the routine, the not-so-great expectations, I miss having everyone a phone call or 5 kms away, I miss my friends not messing around with superscary drugs that I thought only existed in TV shows and books, I miss my friends being sober sometimes and caring, I miss waking up knowing I’ll meet them all and see himself, I miss himself walking me to my bus or picking me up from my place, I miss my best friends just landing up at my place and the comfortable silence.

I miss the long conversations, the lazy mornings, the happy times, I miss making plans which would never come true. I just miss it, and It’s a 3 second thing, when I miss them but goodness gracious it hits me harder than the Delhi heat (No, my room is not air conditioned. I have a lousy fan which functions only when there is electricity. GOOGLE DELHI Temperature, google it now. )

It will be okay, and It is okay and it is just a matter of three second and I just wanted to rant.  

A Letter in my drawer

February 1st, 2014

 

Hey, it’s been a while. How have you been, how are things? Is college still as new and shiny as you thought it was or do you now occasionally get tired or even bored of the same old conversations and the same shit over and over again or do you embrace the rut? I’m getting better. I don’t feel like crying the tears which refuse to come out anymore, I feel like the hurricane of emotions is slowly turning into a drizzle and will soon just be the muck in the gutters, uncared for and ignored. I’m okay.  Getting better. I feel like I did after the first break up, but it’s easier because I don’t have to see your face day in and day out, and because I can no longer revolve my every move around you or how’ll I bang into you in the middle of a street, out of the blue. I cant do that anymore. I’m trying to distract myself. I go out and I try to make friends and I did succeed (till an extent). The other night I spoke to this guy till 5 in the morning, I told him about you and what had happened; didn’t give him the details but just told gave him a rough outline of our timeline. I haven’t spoken to anyone since you till 5 AM, I felt like I was cheating on you. Kissing other guys is different, that’s my way of getting back at you and in my weird diabolic mind it does make sense though in reality it doesn’t because you don’t care. I enjoy being promiscuous, I need the attention from you, I need you to yell at me and I need you to ask me to stop but it’s too late now and I can’t stop.. I feel like I’m drowning in my own personal hell. It’s so hard, I kiss others and end up texting someone back home, someone I trust saying that I miss you and that I wish you were here. Sometimes I don’t get myself, but then again neither did you  and since you are logical and rational I must be pretty damn fucked up. I feel like wasting away sometimes and it makes it easier, it strengthens the walls and I honestly don’t care about those guys. I care for them, some of them but it’s purely platonic none of it involving the heart. I don’t let anyone penetrate that deep. Pun intended. I don’t want to hurt them, any of them but sometimes it’s inevitable and though I make it absolutely clear in the beginning somehow it doesn’t always work that way. For if we humans knew to control the workings of the heart, Our lives wouldn’t be such heartbreaking tragedies. Our timeline which spans over two years is frankly very weird. I am scared of saying things now, you know, things which maybe misinterpreted or just interpreted. I’m so very scared and you aren’t here, I now think that you are dead (metaphorically, Ammu’s idea) so I talk to you in my head and have imaginary conversations with you when I crave your company which isn’t very often but I do crave to see your face. I miss it. I miss the fact that you were there, somewhere in the shadows, in the background, I miss having that tiny ray of hope. That too is gone now and it kills me that that something which i thought was so profound and felt so fiercely for, was all this while in my head. But isn’t that all life is about? Life is all about ‘the idea of something’ and how we run behind that idea, day in and out for to find that the idea of it was much better than the reality which is so very different, but we go on lying to ourselves, convincing ourselves of things otherwise, disbelieving what we see, imagining glances which had never passed, words which had never been uttered and end up believing something that never really happened. It gets harder with each passing day and you are vanishing, from my memory. You are decaying and turning into an idea of you and are no longer you. I now, only remember the altered happy memories, the sad ones are deep suppressed and inaffective. Life does go on and I’ll be okay and I’ll like someone once again, one day. I know that. But i’ll be scared to be so very passionate about it and reckless and impulsive. You know why didn’t’ out of sight out of mind’ work with us, with me to be specific because you are so deeply rooted in my system that I can’t filter you out. You introduced me to the things I now love, and I introduced you to the things I Loved and none of them are truly, completely mine anymore. The music I used to listen to 3 years back and my playlist now are two sides of a coin. Apart but joined together by that rim. My favorite movies which you quote and which i quote day in and day out were actually both our favorite movies, our favorites as individuals. My favorite books aren’t my favorite books they are that book he thought was boring, the book he loved, the book he could relate to, the book he didn’t read. All my favorites, all the things that make me happy, all the people I love, all my happy memories, Home, My dog they all revolve around you. Isn’t it weird? How can one separate the yin from the yang? You’ve been the catalyst, you set things in motion and now you have walked out of the stadium saying that it’s my turn to make it big. How can I make my mark, when the very force that drove me to do it when i was in the pits, refuses to acknowledge my  existence? My memories show you as the big looming figure with a husky voice and that smile. I miss your smile, I miss it so much. That smile could end wars and cure cancer, it could make the sun shine and bring out the silver lining. That smile changed things. . Do you still smile when someone says that she can’t finish her burger after begging for a burger all day? Do you still smile someone changes her earrings and hit it lightly with your finger? Do you still wrap your arms around someone’s waist and put your head against her stomach for a while, out of the blue? Do you still start walking when you laugh? Do you still believe in 20 minute post-sex power naps? Do you still like your noodles soupy? Do you still like your breakfast simple and nothing fancy? Do you still want to smoke up very often and claim to do so but are terrible at handling yourself after? Do you still overanalyse everything and every word? Do you still think of me, ever, as anything? Do you still borrow books and not read them and never return them? Do you still scratch your chin when you are stuck somewhere? Do you still care? Because I do. I can never be just friends with you, you were right. It’ll be too hard to see you stand there in front of me without the prospect of touching your face later in the evening, It’ll be too hard to hear you talk about someone else or see you with another person. How did you do it? But then again what I feel for you still exists and you stopped feeling for me back in February 2012. So it’s okay. I don’t blame you or myself, I’m done playing the blame game, I just miss your face. I miss the part of me that was you, I miss the conversations we could have had and we do have in my head. I miss you so much that it physically hurts and there is this feeling of in my throat, it feels like someone is drowning there, in that abyss and it refuses to go away. You are in my Jack Daniels and my Led Zeppelin, you are in my favorite heels and favorite ring, you are all my favorite things and you have ruined them for me in a way because i don’t know if they are still my favorite because of their beauty or because i shared them as memories with you. I can’t separate one from another and it sucks. I miss you so. You made the right choice. This is the correct thing to do, but it makes me so sad. So sad that the ashes in my throat refuse to go away and the thought of your smile makes me sick.It’ll be okay, I’ll be fine. You do to me what the sun does to the first snow, you make me disappear into the pits of the gutter, make me feel insignificant and foolhardy for trying to bring the change, you do to me what cruel do to the stray, pick them up to bring them crashing down or not. you never did any of these things, I wish you had it’d make it easier for me to get over it but..

I’ll be okay, right? I hope you are okay too. You always appear to be fine, but i hope you really really are okay and fine. Oh and before i forget, I miss you a lot. I’ll write again, in the meanwhile i’ll try and be okay and you, go ahead make your mark. I’m here.

30 Day writing Challenge- Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

30 Day writing Challenge-

Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

Officially I’m not in a relationship, I’m just being a horrible person at the moment. So Let me confess I’m not ‘dating’ anyone but I’m sleeping with himself. We are ‘friends with benefits’ So technically I’m single but I’m sleeping with someone and yes, I like him. I don’t think he likes me though. I love it- the No strings attached routine. We cuddle, we laugh, We are cute, we avoid fighting, emotions and all that Jazz. I know it’s not like they show in the movies. I know that He won’t fall for me, One of us will get hurt etc. etc. But sometimes it’s okay to just let go. I don’t like relationships, I’m terrible at them. I don’t talk enough about myself, don’t confide in them , laugh too much, criticize their taste in music, talk to everyone, act nasty, fight at every given chance.


It’s very hard for me, the whole I-don’t-care-for-you facade. It’s not really my thing. I’m honest, sometimes brutally so and I really really like himself. I’ve liked him for almost two years now, Ever since I came to this city. We dated for a while, it didn’t work out for him but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I dated someone else for a while after that (didn’t cheat on him! ), but that didn’t work out as I was still hung up on himself and then I couldn’t connect with him- intellectually. My ex and I – there was nothing to talk about. I can talk to himself even though He is an asshole to me, and If I’m not wrong he is taking me for a ride but I like him and I don’t like people for too long anyway, I get bored, I am unstable but him, he is my shore. I don’t feel a lot for a lot of people, I’m really narcissistic. I like a very few people, that too for a very short period of time. Daddy issues, as some might say. I don’t trust people, I like having fun but that’s where it ends. I’m horrible once you get to know me, I’m moody, I’m annoying, I talk too much, I ‘m loud, foolish, mean and downright nasty.. !

I’ll probably end up getting really hurt in the long haul and I might even deserve it, I suppose but I really don’t care. He is the only person who knows so much about me, who knows me so well and he brings me happiness- even though they are in small dosages  and occassional. It’s worth it. I haven’t really gotten that physical with anyone, and don’t plan to in the near future but I don’t regret any of it. It was fun, It made me happy and It still does. We are cute sometimes too, we cross that line between friends with benefits and a couple are are very cutesy and cuddly, sometimes annoyingly so. So it’s not just sex, For me. He is a friend too, the closest I have at the moment. Though I’d never admit this to him.

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Both of us don’t know what we are doing, atleast I don’t but then again we are 17 and we aren’t supposed to. We are supposed to be foolish, reckless and irrational. It’d break my heart if I see if with anyone, but then again we are ‘just buddies who are sleeping with each other’ so I don’t really have the right and so I will sit here, write anonymously about himself and how awesomely weird things are, and how I love sex, how I really like him ad how he’ll never know any of these things ( unless he knows, already! ).

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I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, because I’m not hurting anyone and really it’s very big a deal. He makes me happy, I talk too much and piss him off. So I hope to get away from the city, get my dream college and a big part of me hopes that he doens’t come to the city where I go to, because honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get over him and I’ve already spent two years thinking/crying/praying/hoping, so now it’s time for me to cut him loose and grow up a little and make a life of my own. I will probably stop being friends with him too, because let’s be honest I don’t think we can ever be just friends. Because I’m half in love with him and I’m just his booty call. So no, Thanks. I’ll pass. 🙂

And then again, as they say-

😉

cheers!

The friend that I have

I have a friend, we have been friends for a very long time. We started off as people who didn’t like each other, became best friends, had the ‘infamous’ fallout in 8th grade ( right out of a book,eh? ) , the drama, the tantrums, the fights and then we grew up ( I, a little and she a LOT ) and now we are friends. Friends is maybe a term too mild to construe what we have, but I’ll go with it for the time being.

We are very different, poles apart some may say. Born on the same day  ( Alas! different months) our set of principles is almost opposite to each others’. She sleeps early and is up early and I’m up all night and I sleep in all day. She is super skinny, I have them thunder thighs She is hardworking and does everything on time, I procrastinate till the eleventh hour and then hurry through. She knows it all- the people, the things, the places; I’m clueless about everything, even the time when I’m wearing a watch. She is really smart, and even more hardworking. I’m smart, but then I’m a lazy ass. She knows what she wants, I know what I don’t want. She is selfless, and I’m selfish and self centered (and horribly so! ) She doesn’t drink, smoke and I drink like it’s my birthright and smoke (occasionally! ) despite my asthma. She can speak in front of people, she is a leader through and through; I lead too but I can’t speak in front of people, I do the work backstage, the invisible but can’t-do-away-with help. She loves kids and wants to go to other third world countries and do things for them, ( I wanted to do that ) but I’d rather travel the world, Forget about the real-issues and just meet new people or make six babies 😛

She wakes me up on weekdays, because she is up and she can’t let me sleep; despite knowing I’ll go back to sleep the moment I hang up. She wakes me up, after she has been to her classes and comes home just to come with me to the doctor because I’m a “fart” and generally by the time I wake up, the doctor is long gone. I make breakfast for her, when it’s time for lunch and she spends 4 hours cleaning my disgusting cupboard, begging me to throw my old clothes ( which have a lot of sentimental value, in my defense) out, to make space for new ones! She buys birthday gifts for me months before my birthday, scolds me when I don’t study before “the most crucial exams of my life”, has faith in me when I don’t, makes me smile when things seemed to have come to a halt, stayed up with me the whole night during my eleventh grade finals because my boyfriend broke up with me, buys food for me when I’m upset, brings me coke and chicken because I’m hungry, fights for me, fights with me. She is the only one I’ll tell how could or bad my sex life is. She takes me to the dentist when I break my teeth, slipping on the bathroom floor when drunk.

She doesn’t judge me, neither does she lie. She knows everything. She knows everyone. I called her up the moment he left the room, She knows that I don’t believe in marriage or relationships, she has a beautiful relationship with the wonderful guy and their relationship is the only one I believe in. She wants a wedding, wants to get married one day and have a family. I don’t want to get married or stay in a place for too long. She saves me from self-destruction. I destroy everything- intentionally or unintentionally, she saves me from it. She brings out the good in me, She lets me dream, she lets me sleep in, she lets me be. she forgives my wrongs, or rights them. She listens to me, unlike the world who are waiting for their turn to speak. I’m careless, she picks up the little pieces I lose on the way and puts them back. She is honest, she is real, she is scary ( sometimes). She makes me question things I take for granted. She forces me to do things which I don’t want to, but end up relishing. She is funny, smart and always there. she is one of the bravest people I know. She is the person I call when I’m drunk, despite knowing that she’ll kill me the next morning.

A few days back I had the worst asthma attack in the history of bad ones, I had a silent chest and was unconscious. I thought I was dead, It was quiet and I couldn’t move or feel anything around me. She was one of the people I saw, I thought of in that state. I saw her there, smiling at me in her lace dress and I though I was dead. One of things that I learnt that night was that come what may I need her there.She sends me cryptic messages, we are weird together. We talk about things which you wouldn’t talk about with another person because it’s weird. She is my friend. My confidant.I don’t tell people everything, I’ve too many secrets. She and himself come to closest to the person I’m under the facade I put up everyday. Himself ignores that person and she embraces it. She comes home, just to say hi to me and give me a hug and then goes her way and I look for coke for her, when all the shops are shut down in the city, and end up buying 7up ( which I like!). We are like Grey and Yang from grey’s anatomy! Even though I hate meredith, I’m weirdly like her ( she likes grey) and She is a lot like yang ( though not as cold, she is much nicer and I think yang is kick-ass, and she doesn’t like yang). We are dark, twisted, weird and messed up. Dreamy and the dreamers.

When I grow old, and if I settle down she’ll be the one spoiling my kids, while I’ll be the one taking her kids out for their first beer and their first rock concerts ( she feels claustrophobic!) While I grow up, smoke up, waste my time, mess around, sleep with people, act like a bum; she’ll be the ideal daughter, doing the right thing the right way. She has to balance things out, right? My ma has hooked faith in her. I have immovable belief in her.

She likes coke, I like sprite. She sounds really polished and grown up, I sound like a 2nd grade Delhite, She reads I read. She writes when she’s sad, I write no matter what. She makes me happy, she lets me dream, she is my saving grace, my yang. She builds, I break. I leave, she stays. She laughs, I smile. She cries, I fight. When my mood swings, she is the reason I’m sane again. I can never thank god enough for her, I can never thank her enough for the person she is because despite my infinite flaws, and issues she doesn’t go, she doesn’t give up. I love her, I love her so fiercely that it scares me sometimes. We can survive without each other, we have our best friends and our lives, but for me everything else falls into the background when we are together.

Himself might be the love of my life, but she is my soul mate.

I love you , to the stars and back. 🙂

 

For what it’s worth.

I was watching a soap today, and a character in it said this little something which hit me hard, in the face. She said “I really… I really miss him. I want to tell him that I still love him. But I open my mouth and nothing comes out. And everything is terrible.”.

THIS thing that she said, unfortunately for me I understood exactly what she means. Day in and day out, whether wide awake or half sleep, whether driving or walking himself is always at the back of my mind. It has been a year, since we broke up (or he broke up with me) and I did move on (almost) But I did not. I have not budged from the spot where he left me. We are friends. Buddies. Mates. Whatever you want to call it. We’ve had a few “moments” when drunk, and a few “moments” when sober but that’s about it. I care about him, I really care about him and so I’m obnoxious when around him, instead of being cool, calm and composed or whatever that he is looking for. We talk regularly, have the same set of friends but he doesn’t care. And I can’t mash it down, what I feel for him and neither does he care.

He keeps telling me that I talk too much, or I’m imposing or I overact so on and so forth, which makes me feel like sheer unadulterated crap but i talk to him despite all this. I wonder why does he tell me all this, Why should he even notice my behaviour? and then I realize maybe I’m so annoying that he can’t help but notice how horribly stupid I am and How I end up making a fool of myself, everytime. everywhere. So I try to talk less, be less imposing and try to bring the change.

I know I sound really daft, ( I probably am too) but he is this super rational, really great guy so when he says something like that, I suppose it’s right because he isn’t the kind to talk unnecessarily ( I do that though and how! )

Anyway, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the way he smelt, my fingers in his hair, his hands, the way he’d play the guitar, that look on his face while listening to/ playing/ making music, that half smirk of his, the conversations, I miss him so much and there are times when I want to run to him and tell him all about everything and instead I don’t move and wave at him from a distance. There are times, while standing next to him, I smell him by chance and all these things come rushing back and there is so much that I want to say to him and I open my mouth with the scripted conversation in my head, but end up talking about something as trivial as the plan for the evening. Sometimes when he walks past me, I can’t breathe. I don’t mean metaphorically, I physically can’t breathe.

I miss what we had, because despite having been with a lot of guys I never had something like that. I could never talk about everything. All In all I miss him. I never thought it was possible to miss someone who is right there, so much. But it is. No guy can ever match up to him, because he put me up at a pedestal (and kicked my ass). I’m a stress eater, I eat A LOT When I’m stressed but when he starts hitting on these girls and goes out for drinks, I can’t. Eat. I feel like puking. I can’t sleep sometimes, I spend hours thinking about him. I know I’m being foolish and It’s time that I move on, I know all of that, But it just isn’t Happening. He happened when I was busy making plans, and now the plans have long dissolved, and he is long gone but I’m still here.

If he were a bad guy, who was abusive or nasty or a cheat, I’d convince my self that he isn’t worth the time and the energy, but the fault lies in me. I screwed up and always screw up. It’s this inborn talent, I have. I fucked up and ruined things but I tried. I tried so hard to put it back and get him back and tried to explain things, I tried to fight. I still am fighting for him, for us, for what we were but I don’t have any hope because in my heart of heart I know that it’s done. He’s done.

They say, “never give up, fight for what you want”

I’m fighting, I’m fighting so hard. I’m fighting myself too, and the universe refuses to notice the difference. It’s more of a need now. He makes me feel better even now, in this strange place he is home. He makes sense, when I can’t talk to my mother or my best friend and still takes my crap occasionally and reminds me constantly of my dream and tells me that I can do it, when I cease to believe in myself. He’s amazing, occasionally. Maybe because he has no choice. Maybe he thinks he’s obliged to do so. Maybe he is basically a decent soul.

He is my buddy. friend. Mate.

But he is so much more.

I open my mouth, trying to tell him, trying to explain, trying to not look like i’m trying too hard, trying to understand why, trying to do so much.. but I do nothing, I say nothing, I explain nothing, I understand nothing I just stand and smile at him and the universe, and try to remember how he smelt and do nothing…. and everything is So terrible.

But I’ll fight and try some more. Maybe some day. For what it’s worth.

Math and more.

Days as long as this, are now a common occurrence. Such days are hard to avoid and hard to manage. They just don’t seem to end, maybe it is so because I was up for a major part of it, but Hey, Math isn’t exactly my best buddy, though we go way back, we never really got along.

Things started to get messed up when fractions came in, and after years when I FINALLY got used to those halves and one fourths, they brought in the alphabet, The x’s and the y’s, with their squares and cubes. I never really got the logic, where would I use them and most importantly Why would I use them?

Today during the Math exam, 40 minutes into the paper I had nothing to do. My paper was over and I most of the sheets in my supplement were bare. There was nothing to do, While the Alphas and the Betas smirked at me, I looked around at the people who were busy scribbling things, with their eyebrows scrunched up and the concentration dripping from their ears, all I could do was frown at the Alphas and the Betas. I was wondering, “what on the fecking hell were they writing? How do they know what does this mean? ; What about everything I had studied, Where is all of that? ”

I don’t get the concept of calculus, Of Calculus and Of Studying Calculus. why would anyone be interested how to find the area occupied by a godforsaken, I don’t care; It’s not saving the planet, the trees, the animals; it’s not making anyone happy or reducing air pollution; So why?

I’m so sick of Mathematics. I love finite math, I figured it out. I’ve the same relationship with math that I have with himself. I really want to figure it out, and I really try to figure it out, but No avail.

Himself is as annoying and as screwed up as calculus, Both are demanding and then demand to be left alone. Having himself sitting in the examination hall,, with my math paper in front of me was enough to give me a brain haemmorhage.

bleh. It just isn’t fair, the amount of effort and patience I put into the two of them but it still amounts to nothing. I still can’t figure out infinite math and Himself isn’t coming for for another infinite years.

Maybe I should give up on both, It’s high time I give up on himself, knowing in my heart of heart he isn’t coming back, Him being his adamant self and not needing me, but Math I can’t afford to give up on Finals before I get into the college of my choice, but the rate at which I’m going I don’t think I’ll go to a college where Math is a requirement.

 

The First

While studying history today, I began dreaming of how I met himself for the first time. I remember I came back to this city ( Pune)  After spending 2 years in another town (mhow)

I was really nervous, going back to my old school and spending the last two years of high school here and everything. For a long time, after I’d left Pune I wanted to come back I missed my old friends, the rain and the streets and everything but after a while I fell in love with Mhow, the small town, the Rain, the people, the teachers and found my best buddies, so life was smooth. But like they say, “be careful what you wish for” and I was back in pune

Being back was weird, everyone had changed, Some people had left, new ones had replaced them, everything was new and I had been missing from action for two whole years. So all in all, it was worse than being new. Well, I entered my school gates with my recently washed hair, and well waxed arms and eyebrows, all new and shiny while I was crapping in my pants.

I saw my friends standing at the end of the road, there were squeals and screams, Hellos and long times’. I was alien to it, it was almost as though I was still standing at the gate watching my body walk on the road towards the crowd, meeting people, greeting them, faking smiles, trying to be interested. I wasn’t excited, I was scared. I hate meeting old people again, people I didn’t keep in touch with, people I was close to once upon a time, people I lied to, people I trusted and then stopped talking to. Too many things and too many people.

I’d rather meet new people, in a new town where no one knew me and Where & what I came from.

Anyway while I tried to embrace the attention, we were summoned for the morning assembly. I stood with my old girl friends, trying to grasp all the information they were throwing at me, looking for old people and looking at the new people, wondering If i have any classes with them. While all my girlies were swooning over this one guy, who was talking too much for my taste, I saw this tall, dark guy standing a few rows away, standing at the end of the row; being so tall and everything he was hard to miss. He stood there staring at the stage, stood their awkwardly, scratching his chin and talking to this guy in front of him.

He looked so awkward there I almost laughed out loud, he made me feel better I wasn’t as out-of-place as him, I was hoping that  I have a class with him and looked away at the stage, where the headmistress was giving her welcome speech wondering what his name was.

……………………………

After the first three lessons, during lunch we hung out near the cafeteria. I was quiet, which was unusual because usually I have a lot to say.  I saw him at a distance, wondering If I know the people he was talking to, I heard my girlies say that he isn’t a nice guy and he led this girl on. I didn’t believe them, not that girl atleast. I mean he didn’t seem the type to lead a girl on. He looked awkward and not smooth like the guy these girls were throwing themselves at.

After another two lessons, I had my Math class as I entered the math class, I saw that awkward guy there, sitting with someone I didn’t know. He sat at the other end of the class room. I knew at that very moment that I’m going to flunk in math for the next two years! Our teacher skipped the introductions and jumped right away to functions. halfway through the lesson she realised that he didn’t know the classes we were from, so we were asked to make a list with a name and Class, I calculated the seat no. where he sat, and  looked for his name on the list expecting his handwriting to be calligraphic, on the sixth place I saw this barely legible name, in his crooked font  it read- “himself” and I smiled, an honest to god smile,First time that day.

I should have guessed at that very moment, that I was done for. 🙂

The smirk of the ocean

“what is it about her?” they wondered, Why is she so nonchalant, so endearing. While some were busy spending days thinking about her, She was lost in a dream. dreamers hardly resurface, and she being the queen of dreamers, she almost never did.

With her concoctions brighter than sunlight and her smile crooked-er than the lonely elm , she stood at a distance, under the sunlight, and yet away from  it. It was almost as if the big yellow ball in the sky reflected her light and fought for attention as she brushed him away. As she bent to ease the itch on her calf, she stopped, bent and picked up a pebble and held it against the sun. The pebble rolled down her pocket, she looked at the masses that surrounded her. Some looked away, pretending not to be looking at her, Some smiled and acknowledged her existence; She gave them her crooked, aloof smile; unaware of how magnificently enigmatic that slight smirk was. As her eyes Looked through the crowd,searched for someone, someone who couldn’t be found. The frown lines appeared, her fingers deflected back to the stone as she, felt it against her palm. Cool, stable and constant, She walked towards her group of people,’ her people’ as she called them.

Exchange of pleasantries, a few hugs and smiles but her eyes remained transfixed on one face. The crooked grin finally reached her eyes, It was as though she’d found her pebble again.  The sun shone brighter than ever, she the ever-calm, was fidgety. You could see her struggle and try, she looked almost unsure, almost like us mortals.

It was himself, he made her feel this way. Unsure and insecure, while himself stood tall and confident, she hovered, trying to appear nonchalant, the dreamer had died, and there stood the awkward, frantic, needy being.

She was someone who could disappear in a crowd, never to be found; she could hide in an empty room; she could have all the attention with the blink of an eye and shrug it away with the flick of a finger; she chose to disappear generally. She liked to vanish from the face of earth, and reappear like a magic-act. She was like the ocean, always there but taken for granted, moody and unpredictable; she changed colours like the sea under the sun.

But right now, she struggled. She struggled to stay afloat in her very own ocean, as himself looked through her.

..Almost

As she sat down on her desk and tried to study for her exam the next morning, her mind focused on anything but the book. The cracks on the wall, the dirty table cloth, himself and she, where they were

What were they going to be.

Himself would look at her across the street, and look away. She would wonder, if it was real or was it her imagination. Smelling him, while the pebbles in her pocket tugged her towards the ground. The stars in her eyes shone when she would look at him, wonder if he would notice the clean in her eye.

She had pushed himself away and he had left, she wondered if it was worth it. She wondered if himself gave her words, a second thought. While she confided in him about everything, himself was distant and almost ..cold. She wondered what to do, she snapped and swore, screamed and tried. She Smiled .. almost, everyday. Looking at himself while the cold clutched it’s fingers around her, and as  himself glanced at her almost by mistake, almost.. saving her from the cold.