Tag Archives: Dreams

Black and white

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“She woke with a start. The light seeping into her room brought her to reality, her mind still stuck in the place where dreams can be touched was forced to acknowledge the ugly morning. His name was on her lips, she had dreamt of him after months. It was almost as real as the sweat trickling down her back, the dream. She tried to go back to sleep, covered her head with a pillow, focused on the last thing she remembered, to relive it, to go back to the place where he slept with his arm around her waist but it was fast fading and she didn’t know how to grasp on to something that was already so hazy.

She gave up and after laying in bed for a couple of minutes thinking, she got up and went to freshen up. “I hate mornings”, she muttered as she looked in her scratched and parched mirror. She thought about the dream, while under the shower. As cold water cleansed through the previous days grease and sweat, it didn’t do anything for the mess in her mind. Few images from last nights dream remained, She had cheated on someone with him in her dream. How is that even possible? “I would never cheat on anyone, it was a foolish dream”, she convinced herself. ‘Dreams are lies and this was more of a nightmare”

Often labelled as ‘casual but honest’, she was a paradox. Known for not lying or cheating people, her moral compass usually went around in circles, never having been with a guy for very long unlike all of her other friends, she loved with a passion so strong, that it burned out very quick. Attractive and brilliant she felt that people disrupted her zen and hence, she liked things to remain casual. But him, he made her moral compass whizz, faster than the speed of light. She let go of all the boundaries that she had set for herself and loved him, almost gave away her soul but then he left.
People leave, so did he and things went back to square one. The casual sleeping around, the drinking-till-she-forgot-the-guy-she-was-making-out-with’s-name, smoking marlboro reds till her throat gave up, working up till 3:00AM sleeping till 4:00PM, Pornhub and chat rooms, Dark-circles and hangovers, deadlines and nightmares. She was fine, taking each day as it came but every once in a while late at night, when the war in her mind raged wilder than the storm-stricken sea she relapsed and regretted.

Strangely enough, the last few days had been .. happy. She was working with kids these days and nothing brought her more joy. Thus, the dream this morn left her unnerved. She hadn’t purposely thought about him in the last week, she hadn’t gone through their pictures or listened to their songs, he had crossed her mind but then he always crossed her mind. The dream made her jittery, he had been so close and she could see the gleam on his nails, the veins on his neck, the cracks in his lips. Those images flashed by and she shuddered,’is she capable of cheating on someone, Anyone with him? Can she hurt someone who loves her and trusts her just to be with him for another night’ The question haunted her, She didn’t believe in lying or cheating. Very few things in the universe were wrong according to her, cheating constituted as one of those rare things. Cheating can never be justified, she told herself and she would never cheat on anyone for she knew how it felt to be on the receiving end, she managed to convince herself. ‘It was just a dream, a stupid one that too’

* *

Later when she lay in her bed, tired after the long day staring at her Ruby Sparks poster, she wondered if anything is ever Black or White. All her life she set these ideals for herself, tried to not judge others or question their doings but can lying be justified?, she thought as the itch on her ankle screamed murder.
Born in a family where her father had cheated on her mother, her first boyfriend on her, her bestfriend’s first love on her Everywhere around her, cheating only hurt people and isn’t hurting people wrong? So how can anyone ever cheat, she thought isn’t it selfish to do something like this. Would she cheat on someone for him ? No, she wouldn’t but would she leave someone for him? If it came to that Yes, she would. But wouldn’t that constitute as cheating too? She would cheat her feelings, call her words a lie, everything she and someone had dreamt of together would be a lie, she would live a lie, she would fake feelings and words and orgasms, she would and why shouldn’t she?
He made her feel things she never knew she was capable of feeling but what if someone loves her to the stars and back?, she wondered as the sun rose and she realised it was time to sleep
Wasn’t everything supposed to be black and white?

What would you tell your daughter?

So today my best friend read this article on thought catalog 101 things that I will teach my daughter. It is a beautiful article, It really is.

101 things I will teach my daughter, Here’s the link:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/leah-froehle/2014/03/101-things-i-will-teach-my-daughters/

Anyway after she read it she told me,”I saw that post on what would you tell your daughter and then I wondered what would I tell her. I thought what I would tell you is what I would tell her. So this is what I would tell you”

And then she sent me this:

“I would tell you to live wise but when has happiness come out of anything wise

I would tell you to live well but when has living well made us soar

I would tell you to put your chin up and look ahead but when has looking back not made us smile

When has sucking our stomachs in and conforming to relationship norms ever been our answer to finding true love

So no I won’t tell you how to breathe and how to fly I will tell you though to find your happiness.

No matter where it lies And not just happiness for today and tomorrow but happiness for life

If its behind the pages of books or under someone’s sheets or in the way the cold feels as it melts beneath your feet

If its staying in a shared apartment with people you don’t know in a strange land

or in a bus full of strange men who play in a band

Whatever it is and wherever it is, find it. Want it and love it.

Do it now because it should be something that makes you happy even when you lay your head down to sleep for the last time.

You are the only one who will live your life and the only one to write in its pages.

Don’t be stuck out here, living in other people’s cages”

 

This is the single most beautiful thing that I’ve read And I have the best best friend in the world, I can never thank my stars enough for her. I think everyone needs to read this because 

1. It’s beautiful

2. It’s honest and real

3. I like to brag about having the best best friend in the world. yes. This is me showing off how much she loves me. 

Imaginary audience, are you jealous?

Oh, you should be. You should be.

So tell me, What would you tell your daughter?

Continue reading What would you tell your daughter?

Drunk rant.

It’s okay?

Is it? Is it okay to be mediocre and live a life that everyone once lives. Leave no mark, leave no scar. Grow up, do what’s right, do what you are supposed to, get married,  make babies and die? Is that all we exist for?

I am scared. of the ordinary life, the 9-5 job, the marriage, the kids and all the other things I’m supposed to do. I believe in things which I am not supposed to, I live for things which aren’t of any importance.

Ideas are bulletproof, but dreams aren’t.

Dreams are for those who can’t sleep

and if you ask me to lie, I shan’t

For If I lie, I’ll weep

Life goes on they say

It does, I know.

It moves it’s own way’

and I wish I could let it go.

I wish I could live up

to their dreams and fantasies,

I wish I could cross the green seas.

Where the pirates roll,

The mermaids kill.

The stars fall,

And people will,

To change the world,

To dream, of things unknown and unseen,

To dream of things impossible which can be made real,

for the days long gone,

and the nights too short,

for those poeple we mourn,

for and the things we lost.

For the dreams we dreamt of before we could rhyme

For those beings we begged for, before they were mine.

For those cities we visited,

and the people we loved.

For those towers we conquered

and the cities we wrecked

We are the people,

The beings the friends,

We are the people

Who’ll last till the end,

30 Day Writing challenge: Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Ten years is a long long time, I want a lot of things but there are two scenarios in my head and I can’t choose one, to be honest I can but the rational being in me collides with the dreamer in me and it’s a mess. So I’ll write about where I want to be, not where my family/friends/the society expects me to be in 10 years.

I want to travel, I want to see the world. I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t want a house which I call home. I want to leave, see the cities far and wide, travel in buses without knowing where they are going to take me, hook up with people I’ll never see again, eat things I never imagined I’d eat, go to places I dream of every night. I want to travel across the seas, sleep under the stars, meet people one day say goodbye the next. Travelling is grueling, I know that. It is unpredictable, unstable. I want to be free, I want no ties with anyone, I don’t want to take care of anyone but myself If and when I have to, I want to be free of any obligations. For years I’ve taken care of people- people I’m not supposed to take care of. I want freedom.

I don’t want a family, a husband. I want kids maybe 20 years down the lane, but not ten years from now. I want to drink without getting drunk, I want to be a little more polished than I am at the moment, a little less analytical  a little more brave. I want to be happier than I am at the moment. I know I’m almost the girl in the book, Almost. The girl in the book is always alone.She is brave, real and foolish. She is reckless, beautiful and funny. I’m almost there. I can’t stay still and I won’t be able to even ten years from now. I want the dreamer in me to still dream, the kid in me to still watch Saturday morning cartoons. I want to be out there somewhere in the world, with a backpack and a flashlight, looking for a spot to sleep under the stars .. unless there is an apocalypse. I’m not scared of zombies or any of those creatures, I can totally pal up with those beings and chill with them.

In ten years from now I’d want to be a happy traveler and a better person. Less self-centered, More communicative. I’d like to talk less and ‘communicate’ more. Ten years from now I’ll be somewhere on the globe being my self- laughing too loud, dancing in the rain and singing under the sun

As for the zombie Apocalypse,  I’m coming to get ya’ ! ^_^

And finally, as they say

Sigur Rós – Sæglópur

Sæglópur is a song by the Icelandic post-rock band Sigur Rós. It is Icelandic for ‘Lost at sea’. Though I don’t understand the lyrics, the music it is unreal. When it starts it feels like he is starting on a journey, taking the necessary precautions and then he begins. The trials and tribulations  the world raging a war against him and he is still trying to hold up, hold o. He is fighting the war in his mind, the war around himself, Then he begs, the stars and the sun and the moon to save whatever is left of him. To give me some peace, some closure.This song is the work of an absolute genius. It gives me hope, breaks me down, dusts my ass and helps me stand up again. In a weird way it gives me the support to enter the great unknown, it is teh entrance to the land of dreams far beyond the regular universe. I love it. The video is a thing of beauty in itself. It’s a joy to listen to this song!

Thank you Sigur Rós.

Leaving is Liberating.

I wrote about the need to leave, A few posts ago. I’d like to elaborate on it.

To leave is pleasure. It’s the journey till the point right before you leave, which is hard. All the planning, the deciding, the choices that you make That is nerve wracking. No one is resistant, no one is is immune to that feeling of nostalgia, and that fear of starting afresh. It’s scary starting anew, It’s intimidating each time but that’s the thrill, you can break free of all the ties, you can break out the walls that have held you captive for so long, you can dream again, dream new, dream upside down, dream monochrome or in technicolor.

You are never one person, you are different persons in different places,at various stages of the clock. You are everything to someone one day, invisible the next. You are everyone and the next minute you are a another bystander glancing their way; someone they’ve never seen before,  someone they are curious to know. Once the curiosity dies, your collective importance begins to diminish, opinions are fixed, the excitement is over, adrenaline is replaced by estrogen, feelings come into play. Yes, I know curiosity killed the cat but it also gave way to the workings of science.

Leaving is a science, an art. Only the toughest can leave, or the weakest. Nothing in the middle ever can. Leaving isn’t moderate, it isn’t neutral, it’s not the safe path, nor the right thing to do. It’s extreme  impulsive, stupid at times. It’s for the downtrodden and the dreamers, It’s for the young or the very old. Leaving is liberating in more ways than one. But those who leave can never stay too long especially with those who stay because either can’t survive with another. The difference is magnetic, it’s compelling, it binds them together but the gap is too much to cover. In the bargain one spirit shatters and the other hardens and neither is in a better place than the other.

To leave is for you and you alone, It’s not a choice but need, Home isn’t a house, it’s hearth, it’s where your head is at the moment. A distant city can be home to me, even when I’ve never been in it’s 100 mile radius.

To travel and to leave are two different things. Don’t confuse them. To travel is to see the world and come back home, and to leave is to leave a home and make another one wherever you go. They don’t know what it’s like to seek comfort in others, in things unknown, in people alien, in cities new and terrifying.. It’s the adrenaline, the fear, the high.

To leave is to be free.

and I leave, every now and then. I’m free. I’m happy.

What I want.

Most people around me are so sure of what they want to do with their life. Whether good or bad, Lucrative or not, They sound so Sure and It freaks me out. I’m seventeen. I’ve been on this planet for 17 years and that is absolutely nothing, how am I supposed to know What I want to do for the rest of my life. How am I supposed to know what I want to do everyday for every year, for the rest of my life. Right now I should be focusing on getting out of a school, and not about getting into another one. I mean one moment I’m struggling with calculus and the next I’ve to make these major, life-altering decisions. What Do I know about Life anyway?

I’ve not seen anything beyond the front and the back of my porch.

It’s unnerving. I know what I don’t want to do, I’ve always been very sure of that but What I don’t know is what I want. I want to do too many things, and then not do them at all.

I mean I suppose for all of us, there are things that we should do, things which will give us the base, the foundation we need, the right things to do AND then there are things which are Next to impossible, waving at us, smiling at us and we know they aren’t wrong but impossible and they are dreams, and it’s scary going for them.

It’s funny how they show in movies, when someone has a suck-ass professional life and then they take up something they are really passionate about and their business begins to flourish, It’s utter bullshit. I mean we spend our life spinning dreams, making up conversations and scenarios in our head but they never really work out.

Things happen, along the same path occasionally but It’s never exactly what we want, but then again do we really know what we want?

I like and want to do everything that is new and shiny, I’m like a 3 year old. Anything that sounds fun and interesting, I want to do it. What I tend to forget is the path to reach that bloody point. It’s fun and shiny for THEM, because they are through with all the donkey work and Now Things are smooth.

Don’t we all want to smooth bit and the working hard bit is what we all want to ignore, Atleast I do it. I suppose when I grow up a little, see the world some more maybe then I’ll understand.

I’m not sure of what I want, most of the 8 billion residing on the planet aren’t, but I don’t want to end up as another statistic.

but then again, most of the 8 billion people residing on the planet want the same,right?

Another day

She had trouble focusing on everyday tasks, As she busied herself with the conversations in her head. Conversations she had with himself, Those impossible conversations which never really followed the script.

It was foolish, a tiny voice hissed. It was impossible and yet she had hope, she had hope that some day, after forever, a point will come where himself will realize how truly right it is, and how despite her flaws, her dreams and her cries, she isn’t as messed up as himself thought she was.

As she stood parallel to the mirror and imagined another world, a world without examinations and everyday hassles. A world where she could break free and could do as she pleased, where she could meet new people and visit new cities, She was already in love with the people she had never met and the cities she had never visited.

the knock at the door brought her hurling back to the reality, so she went back to the words she was never going to hear and the kisses that would never reach her lips and the pebbles which remained floating in the air..

..Almost

As she sat down on her desk and tried to study for her exam the next morning, her mind focused on anything but the book. The cracks on the wall, the dirty table cloth, himself and she, where they were

What were they going to be.

Himself would look at her across the street, and look away. She would wonder, if it was real or was it her imagination. Smelling him, while the pebbles in her pocket tugged her towards the ground. The stars in her eyes shone when she would look at him, wonder if he would notice the clean in her eye.

She had pushed himself away and he had left, she wondered if it was worth it. She wondered if himself gave her words, a second thought. While she confided in him about everything, himself was distant and almost ..cold. She wondered what to do, she snapped and swore, screamed and tried. She Smiled .. almost, everyday. Looking at himself while the cold clutched it’s fingers around her, and as  himself glanced at her almost by mistake, almost.. saving her from the cold.