Tag Archives: College

Day 8: The moment I felt most satisfied with my life

The Moment I felt most satisfied with my life, Today’s Challenge made me smile like a retard. Isn’t it weird that we run behind such monumental things all our lives only to be content with the tiny ones, It’s the small things that make a difference.

Small things and Big money. ( The Clash between the idealist in me and the struggling-student-in-a-third-world-country in me is crazy)
The moment, The moment when I felt satisfied. MOST SATISFIED but not exhilarated, or exuberant, The moment I felt truly content was sometime last December. Oddly enough it wasn’t when I got my tattoo, or got a kick-ass college or when I got a car ( luls. because I don’t have a car :P) or even post-mindblowing- sex. I did feel satisfied but … It was sometime last December.
I went back to Pune, the city I completed my last two years of schooling from (also grade 6,7 and 8) The city where my brother and mother were and where my friends still are.  So I went back home after my Semester end exams.


One day, out of the blue I planned to go over to a friend’s place for the night, her mother was going to be out of town and we had planned to call our friends over get drunk or high, or both and just chill and catch up.  (Note: This was also the night when I puked for the first time after drinking, I drink a lot but don’t puke. I’d never puked before that and have never puked after that. It was just a sudden whiskey shot {I hate shots!} and it just came up and I puked in my hand, splattered some on my friend’s face too but hey! It’s okay, right?)

We sneaked the guys in around mid-night, they had to jump over a hedge and everything, in order to hide from her neighbours. So by 1-1:30 we had finished a bottle of whiskey
and were done with the second round of joints. With their inhibitions low, one of them was sitting on her bed-crosslegged staring at the wall, my musical friend was strumming on his
guitar, the third one was crushing some stuff for the bong and giggling, another was playing with my hair and pulling it, while I sat on the floor in the weird way that I sit while my friend whose house it was leaned against the wall, her clothes falling off her, her gorgeous hair spilled all over laughing at us.


And then, my musical friend started strumming ‘sutta ‘ (sutta is Hindi, or modernised Hindi for cigarette) , it’s like Indianised, explicitised collegey Summer of 69 or something on those
lines It’s legendary that song!, anywho he started playing it, humming alongside and all of us started singing with him on the top of our lungs. We were screaming (we weren’t supposed to because the neighbours could hear everything and my friend, along with all of us could get into trouble) but we sang. we sang all three verses, the chorus, the guitar riff and we smiled at each other, and we laughed. And God, in that moment I swear we were infinite. It felt so pure and simple. I have sung songs in my hoarse voice hundred of times, but there was something about that moment. I remember looking at each one of them, individually and I could feel them and see the spark in their eyes.
They felt it too, I hope. Jesus, I was content. satisfied. Happy. I wasn’t with all of my ‘official best friends’ (I’m lame, that way.) but was with some of the best of my friends,
I was in a room full of people I loved, I love with all my heart and soul.

I forgot, we forgot about things. About pending assignments, getting screwed, our parents finding out about our whereabouts, about the unpredictable future and deteriorating grades, about hating college and not having girlfriends or boyfriends.
We were high, high enough to feel things we hadn’t felt but not high enough to zone out (that happened later that night!) so that amplified our emotions, but good lord I felt like charlie, when he heard the tunnel song. I had this fleeting thought, where I realised how content I was there, in that moment and that place, It was then and there that I realised that it was home, that those people were home.
That moment was home.

We didn’t do anything monumental, we almost got into very serious trouble, we didn’t do anything illegal (ok. heh. underage drinking and substance abuse doesn’t count.
occasional, recreational drug abuse is okay. okay?) We were just a couple of 18 year olds, with an old guitar and no adult supervision.

And In that moment, I swear we were infinite.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 6 – Write thirty interesting facts about yourself

1. I have a tiny little mole on my right breast. ( I have no idea why this was the first thing that came to my mind!)

2. I can sleep for over 72 hours at a stretch ( I only need to pee once every 24 hours and a bottle of water next to me)

3. My feet are always dirty. Always. whoop.

4. I detest Starbucks, Costa Coffee and all these super-commercial, super-trendy franchises. I prefer street food. Oh. Oh. Oh and I don’t like I-phones

5. I spend all my money on books, food, lingerie and alcohol. I don’t buy clothes or go to movies like normal people

6. I have a type when it comes to guys. I like them tall, dark and lanky. Yes. Honestly. I have a type.

7. I love lemonade and Water. I love Lemonade and water more than half of the people I am friends with on facebook

8. I can finish a bottle of Whiskey in one hour fifteen minutes and not puke. I’ll just go to sleep.

 

9. I want to fly a plane, drive a train, own a harley davidson, drive a metro, an auto and a truck

 

10. I really really want to meet Eddie Vedder and touch his face. Like touch it, repeatedly. And run my fingers through his hair.

 

11.  I can not lie. I used to, once upon a time I used to lie even when I didn’t have to but not anymore. I can’t. And even When I lie it’s written all over my face that I am lying.

 

12. I like Literotica but have never read mills and boons or 50 shades of grey

 

13. I want to join the politics and travel the world which is impossible unless I steal tax money and use it to travel the world. (hmm. Sounds like a good idea!)

 

14. I swear a lot. In Many languages.

15.  I really want to have sex on the kitchen slab. Really.

 

16.  I have a terrible sense of humour and  I crack really lame jokes but it doesn’t stop me.

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17. I really want to be good at math. I feel the day I understand calculus is the day I’ll solve all the mysteries of the universe. Which I know is really stupid, but hey!  A girl can dream.

 

18.  I know who Syd Barrett is.


19.  I’m hypocritical when it comes to smoking


20. I love the chase. I LOVE THE THRILL OF THE CHASE and yes I can admit it. The real-deal is something that I’ve never experienced, and mostly when that stage arrives I’m already bored and feel trapped and hence, I bail.

 

21.  I love music. Like everyone, I love music. I love music. I listen to classic rock, post rock, progressive rock, country, jazz, pop, trashy pop, cheap D-grade hindi songs and everything in between. I’m the kind of person who would shuffle through my playlist and play a song while I’m face-to-face fighting with someone, because I feel every situation needs a background score, and I try my level best to achieve that. Music like chilly improves everything. Be it sex or a fight (it’s the same thing in some cases!) If you have any music suggestions pleeeease drop in a comment.


22. I sleep with my underwear on which is weird apparently.

 
23. I can not make out or have sex or sit in a room without music. Wait, I think I’ve already mentioned this. eh. Sorry.

 

24. I rebel against almost everything. More often than not it’s unintentional, It’s very hard for me to come to terms with anything and I end up questioning almost everything a little too much which can be a bit of a problem. sometimes. okay, It’s almost ALWAYS a problem.


25. I HATE COLLEGE. Most college going students LOVE college or sometimes the idea of it, I absofuckinglutely loathe the very concept of college and let’s not talk about how horrid I think that place is. Pretentious people who can only talk about these “so-called-intellectual” things, They are such pseudo-everythings. Christ.

 
26. I don’t like making friends, I honest to god don’t like making new friends. I have too many friends to begin with and it’s hard enough keeping a tab on them, so yes. I don’t like making new friends and the fact that I’m anti-social doesn’t help, It just aggravates the situation. As a result I’ve only half a friend in college and I’ve been here for almost a year. Just half a friend.

 

27. You know what do I love to eat? Nails. Fingernails. I’ve not used a nail cutter to cut my fingernails in over ten years. Yep. Disgusting. I know. I grow them and then eat them. Nails. Yumm.

nckbcksb
28. I am super-possessive about my friends and family, LIKE SUPERRRR possessive. And protective. Also, I love taking care of people and worry a little too much when someone is sick or injured.
29. i like washing utensils and clothes but can’t keep my cupboard organised or my room clean

 

 

30. I have slept with two guys, Was in love with the first and I’m half in love with the second one. Unfortunately for me both of them are unaware of it.

 

 

I had made a list like this sometime last year, here’s the link imaginary audience.

https://starspebblesandcolours.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/things-about-me-which-i-thought-were-normal-but-arent/

Don’t let me down

DON’T LET ME DOWN. TING DI DI DING DING, DON’T LET ME DOWN.:D

OH BEATLES. :’)

This song undoubtedly, is one of my favorite Beatles’ song. I can imagine Lennon’s knees half bent, that beautiful-love struck-but-pained expression on his face, while clenching his fingers in the air with his quivering jaw and moist eyes, yelling,” Don’t let me down!” at Yoko Ono, who is hazy in a white flowy dress while sad.

he smiles at him.

i just cannot seem to get that image out of my head.

SO Yesterday during one of my lectures in college, we were discussing the “whether the Subalterns can speak for themselves” and while everyone in my class, continued to put forth their opinion about the it, all I could think about was How could Chapman Kill Lennon?

That was all that went about in my head, while everyone talked about the real world issues. How could he have done that? I felt like an asshole, but somehow I actually enjoyed the conversation in my head a lot more than the class discussion. It’s not like I am disinterested, I care a lot and I am interested but I think talking about it won’t help and also, music makes me a lot happier than worthless discussions which are forgotten in a minute. I would rather go out and do something than talk about it. Back to Lennon, How could Chapman have killed him? Why is it so that most part of the brilliant music that is created, goes unnoticed in today’s world? The world is an extremely unfair place.

I am such an asshole.

Nobody ever loved me like she does, Oh she does..

A Letter in my drawer

February 1st, 2014

 

Hey, it’s been a while. How have you been, how are things? Is college still as new and shiny as you thought it was or do you now occasionally get tired or even bored of the same old conversations and the same shit over and over again or do you embrace the rut? I’m getting better. I don’t feel like crying the tears which refuse to come out anymore, I feel like the hurricane of emotions is slowly turning into a drizzle and will soon just be the muck in the gutters, uncared for and ignored. I’m okay.  Getting better. I feel like I did after the first break up, but it’s easier because I don’t have to see your face day in and day out, and because I can no longer revolve my every move around you or how’ll I bang into you in the middle of a street, out of the blue. I cant do that anymore. I’m trying to distract myself. I go out and I try to make friends and I did succeed (till an extent). The other night I spoke to this guy till 5 in the morning, I told him about you and what had happened; didn’t give him the details but just told gave him a rough outline of our timeline. I haven’t spoken to anyone since you till 5 AM, I felt like I was cheating on you. Kissing other guys is different, that’s my way of getting back at you and in my weird diabolic mind it does make sense though in reality it doesn’t because you don’t care. I enjoy being promiscuous, I need the attention from you, I need you to yell at me and I need you to ask me to stop but it’s too late now and I can’t stop.. I feel like I’m drowning in my own personal hell. It’s so hard, I kiss others and end up texting someone back home, someone I trust saying that I miss you and that I wish you were here. Sometimes I don’t get myself, but then again neither did you  and since you are logical and rational I must be pretty damn fucked up. I feel like wasting away sometimes and it makes it easier, it strengthens the walls and I honestly don’t care about those guys. I care for them, some of them but it’s purely platonic none of it involving the heart. I don’t let anyone penetrate that deep. Pun intended. I don’t want to hurt them, any of them but sometimes it’s inevitable and though I make it absolutely clear in the beginning somehow it doesn’t always work that way. For if we humans knew to control the workings of the heart, Our lives wouldn’t be such heartbreaking tragedies. Our timeline which spans over two years is frankly very weird. I am scared of saying things now, you know, things which maybe misinterpreted or just interpreted. I’m so very scared and you aren’t here, I now think that you are dead (metaphorically, Ammu’s idea) so I talk to you in my head and have imaginary conversations with you when I crave your company which isn’t very often but I do crave to see your face. I miss it. I miss the fact that you were there, somewhere in the shadows, in the background, I miss having that tiny ray of hope. That too is gone now and it kills me that that something which i thought was so profound and felt so fiercely for, was all this while in my head. But isn’t that all life is about? Life is all about ‘the idea of something’ and how we run behind that idea, day in and out for to find that the idea of it was much better than the reality which is so very different, but we go on lying to ourselves, convincing ourselves of things otherwise, disbelieving what we see, imagining glances which had never passed, words which had never been uttered and end up believing something that never really happened. It gets harder with each passing day and you are vanishing, from my memory. You are decaying and turning into an idea of you and are no longer you. I now, only remember the altered happy memories, the sad ones are deep suppressed and inaffective. Life does go on and I’ll be okay and I’ll like someone once again, one day. I know that. But i’ll be scared to be so very passionate about it and reckless and impulsive. You know why didn’t’ out of sight out of mind’ work with us, with me to be specific because you are so deeply rooted in my system that I can’t filter you out. You introduced me to the things I now love, and I introduced you to the things I Loved and none of them are truly, completely mine anymore. The music I used to listen to 3 years back and my playlist now are two sides of a coin. Apart but joined together by that rim. My favorite movies which you quote and which i quote day in and day out were actually both our favorite movies, our favorites as individuals. My favorite books aren’t my favorite books they are that book he thought was boring, the book he loved, the book he could relate to, the book he didn’t read. All my favorites, all the things that make me happy, all the people I love, all my happy memories, Home, My dog they all revolve around you. Isn’t it weird? How can one separate the yin from the yang? You’ve been the catalyst, you set things in motion and now you have walked out of the stadium saying that it’s my turn to make it big. How can I make my mark, when the very force that drove me to do it when i was in the pits, refuses to acknowledge my  existence? My memories show you as the big looming figure with a husky voice and that smile. I miss your smile, I miss it so much. That smile could end wars and cure cancer, it could make the sun shine and bring out the silver lining. That smile changed things. . Do you still smile when someone says that she can’t finish her burger after begging for a burger all day? Do you still smile someone changes her earrings and hit it lightly with your finger? Do you still wrap your arms around someone’s waist and put your head against her stomach for a while, out of the blue? Do you still start walking when you laugh? Do you still believe in 20 minute post-sex power naps? Do you still like your noodles soupy? Do you still like your breakfast simple and nothing fancy? Do you still want to smoke up very often and claim to do so but are terrible at handling yourself after? Do you still overanalyse everything and every word? Do you still think of me, ever, as anything? Do you still borrow books and not read them and never return them? Do you still scratch your chin when you are stuck somewhere? Do you still care? Because I do. I can never be just friends with you, you were right. It’ll be too hard to see you stand there in front of me without the prospect of touching your face later in the evening, It’ll be too hard to hear you talk about someone else or see you with another person. How did you do it? But then again what I feel for you still exists and you stopped feeling for me back in February 2012. So it’s okay. I don’t blame you or myself, I’m done playing the blame game, I just miss your face. I miss the part of me that was you, I miss the conversations we could have had and we do have in my head. I miss you so much that it physically hurts and there is this feeling of in my throat, it feels like someone is drowning there, in that abyss and it refuses to go away. You are in my Jack Daniels and my Led Zeppelin, you are in my favorite heels and favorite ring, you are all my favorite things and you have ruined them for me in a way because i don’t know if they are still my favorite because of their beauty or because i shared them as memories with you. I can’t separate one from another and it sucks. I miss you so. You made the right choice. This is the correct thing to do, but it makes me so sad. So sad that the ashes in my throat refuse to go away and the thought of your smile makes me sick.It’ll be okay, I’ll be fine. You do to me what the sun does to the first snow, you make me disappear into the pits of the gutter, make me feel insignificant and foolhardy for trying to bring the change, you do to me what cruel do to the stray, pick them up to bring them crashing down or not. you never did any of these things, I wish you had it’d make it easier for me to get over it but..

I’ll be okay, right? I hope you are okay too. You always appear to be fine, but i hope you really really are okay and fine. Oh and before i forget, I miss you a lot. I’ll write again, in the meanwhile i’ll try and be okay and you, go ahead make your mark. I’m here.

Hello. I’m back. Sort of.

The last few months have been the best and worst months of my life. My last relevant, sober post was right before these major exams ( apparently the most important exams I will ever right) and surprisingly enough I kicked butt, despite not working hard, fucking around, Abusing substances etc. But despite getting one one of the best colleges in the country and getting the subject of my choice ( my major is English literature) things have been terrible and amazing and the only semi decent thing I’ve written in the last 8 months are my papers.
So, imaginary audience and the voices in my head- my sincere apologies.
I am okay. Alive and I do kick occasionally.
So today a friend of mine was undergoing some crisis, he was cribbing about whether going through the agony of wasting your time , energy, classes, emotions and words over someone you like but you aren’t sure likes you back, worth it.
My roommate didn’t know what to say so she asked me to say something for she didn’t know what to say.
That’s When I had my epiphany ( I’ll talk about it next time)

So this is what I said:

“See. Of what i know when it happens, ‘the whirlwind college romance’, it takes you along with it and doesn’t give you the time to contemplate, you are impulsive and spontaneous and you don’t realize that everything was at stake till you lose it or till you get it all back and more.
You don’t have the option to be confused, you are so into it that whatever the outcome you go on with it till it comes crashing or reaches the pinnacle of happiness you never thought you could have achieved.

The drama and confusion and hurt comes later, do YOU think its worth it because if you do then it is worth all this and more. And If you don’t then leave it be. You always have that option. So you choose. Do you want in ?
The like, love,drama and more. You make the call.

And the books and the movies are right, the songs do begin to make sense both the happy and the sad ones. The heartbreak is as real as they make it out to be, even worse. But good Lord I know for a fact that I’d undergo the confusion and agony of not knowing in the beginning and the heart break in the end a thousand times over only to feel that way. Once more. With anyone. Because there is nothing better than waking up in the morning and looking forward to seeing someone, everyday.
The drama and non sense is worth it.”

My opinion sounds ancient and utopian, maybe its from all the trashy novels that I have read and the Romcoms I’ve watched, I am delusional but I have faced the reality time and time again and though some would disagree that the baggage isn’t worth it and what I am saying is bullshit, it may be I don’t know but believing in this helps me get through the bad days and the good ones always have a chance of getting better.

Writing again is so good.
I’ll complete my thirty day challenge peeps. Oh. I missed this.

30 Day writing Challenge- Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

30 Day writing Challenge-

Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

Officially I’m not in a relationship, I’m just being a horrible person at the moment. So Let me confess I’m not ‘dating’ anyone but I’m sleeping with himself. We are ‘friends with benefits’ So technically I’m single but I’m sleeping with someone and yes, I like him. I don’t think he likes me though. I love it- the No strings attached routine. We cuddle, we laugh, We are cute, we avoid fighting, emotions and all that Jazz. I know it’s not like they show in the movies. I know that He won’t fall for me, One of us will get hurt etc. etc. But sometimes it’s okay to just let go. I don’t like relationships, I’m terrible at them. I don’t talk enough about myself, don’t confide in them , laugh too much, criticize their taste in music, talk to everyone, act nasty, fight at every given chance.


It’s very hard for me, the whole I-don’t-care-for-you facade. It’s not really my thing. I’m honest, sometimes brutally so and I really really like himself. I’ve liked him for almost two years now, Ever since I came to this city. We dated for a while, it didn’t work out for him but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I dated someone else for a while after that (didn’t cheat on him! ), but that didn’t work out as I was still hung up on himself and then I couldn’t connect with him- intellectually. My ex and I – there was nothing to talk about. I can talk to himself even though He is an asshole to me, and If I’m not wrong he is taking me for a ride but I like him and I don’t like people for too long anyway, I get bored, I am unstable but him, he is my shore. I don’t feel a lot for a lot of people, I’m really narcissistic. I like a very few people, that too for a very short period of time. Daddy issues, as some might say. I don’t trust people, I like having fun but that’s where it ends. I’m horrible once you get to know me, I’m moody, I’m annoying, I talk too much, I ‘m loud, foolish, mean and downright nasty.. !

I’ll probably end up getting really hurt in the long haul and I might even deserve it, I suppose but I really don’t care. He is the only person who knows so much about me, who knows me so well and he brings me happiness- even though they are in small dosages  and occassional. It’s worth it. I haven’t really gotten that physical with anyone, and don’t plan to in the near future but I don’t regret any of it. It was fun, It made me happy and It still does. We are cute sometimes too, we cross that line between friends with benefits and a couple are are very cutesy and cuddly, sometimes annoyingly so. So it’s not just sex, For me. He is a friend too, the closest I have at the moment. Though I’d never admit this to him.

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Both of us don’t know what we are doing, atleast I don’t but then again we are 17 and we aren’t supposed to. We are supposed to be foolish, reckless and irrational. It’d break my heart if I see if with anyone, but then again we are ‘just buddies who are sleeping with each other’ so I don’t really have the right and so I will sit here, write anonymously about himself and how awesomely weird things are, and how I love sex, how I really like him ad how he’ll never know any of these things ( unless he knows, already! ).

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I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, because I’m not hurting anyone and really it’s very big a deal. He makes me happy, I talk too much and piss him off. So I hope to get away from the city, get my dream college and a big part of me hopes that he doens’t come to the city where I go to, because honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get over him and I’ve already spent two years thinking/crying/praying/hoping, so now it’s time for me to cut him loose and grow up a little and make a life of my own. I will probably stop being friends with him too, because let’s be honest I don’t think we can ever be just friends. Because I’m half in love with him and I’m just his booty call. So no, Thanks. I’ll pass. 🙂

And then again, as they say-

😉

cheers!