Tag Archives: alone

.. you wanted to know why

I was going to send this to this guy who I’ve been talking to and sleeping with for the past six months and something happened and this what I was going to send him, except that he’s an ass and I won’t. 

I wish I could take back the poem I wrote, thank god I didn’t send it to him. Not that I would have.

Anyway this is what I Wrote, hope you have a good laugh over it Imaginary audience. It’s anything but funny. Honestly. Lost of emo-shiz going on down there

“See, the thing is I don’t know what am I doing and what are we doing, I mean I know what we are ‘doing’ It’s just that I don’t know how or why or what and it frustrates me because I generally have control over things, except when I am drunk even then when I’m sober I figure things out, chalk them out and keep my priorities and head clear.
And then there’s you. 
You are magic and I can’t figure you out and I hate not being able to figure people out. I’ve no idea whatsoever as to what goes around in your head or your opinion of things etc etc and even when I ask you, I presume you aren’t lying but I wonder how much of the truth are you hiding.
And you know every damn thing about me, you fuck with my head a lot more than I’d admit in person and I don’t like it. 
Because you are all secretive and confidential and hushed, and I understand but It’s tiring and it’s tedious

and I hate being understanding, I usually get my way.
And I don’t like having close friends or telling people about ‘whatever’ unless I’m sure they are here to stay or whatever which I’m not of you and it makes me uncomfortable. It’s like I’ll have to pry you open with a crowbar to know even the teeniest of things. 

I don’t know what you are, I know you are a guy and a wonderful one that too but I’m intimate with you and it’s uh.. it’s been 6 months and I don’t do six months, or six dates. I either end things or they go on and on, and tbh I’m just dreading the point when things run their course and without an explanation you disappear, even if you disappear with a logical, rational, perfectly sensible explanation it won’t help. 

And things will get complicated, they always do and they always are specially in my head as much as I try to keep them simple, straight. And I don’t like complicated, anything complicated. I don’t like Math, history and complicated. 

 

I don’t like it when people I care for leave, because I don’t stop caring for them once they do and it drives me crazy not knowing how they are and what they are upto and if they are okay.

I love most people I care for, I do. Honest-to-god-do-anything-for-them kind, and mostly it’s simple and I don’t get over things. I’m super emotional (true that, my friend), cranky, dramatic etc despite my “awesomeness” It takes me years to get over the tiniest of things and I cn’t fight with people. I can’t and I dont do that and I hate confrontations, I’d rather go without chicken for 3 weeks straight than have the “talk” 
and I hate not-knowing. 
and I don’t know anything.
you.

Despite all your theories about me, I am a simple person. I may not seem like that but I am. I love my family and friends, do things I like and get attached to things, have dealt with shit (not a lot of it, but alittle) in the past and I like to keep things simple.

And It just hit me then, the magnitude of what I am or have been doing and I was scared or  whatever of the repercussions.  

Anyway, That’s all. 

you are rude and nasty but then you are nice and gentle. See, he left so will you because people leave and like him you’ll hurt me and disappear and I won’t be able to get over it and it sucks.

Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life

Imaginary Audience I can assure you , this is going to be super-depressing. You may bail right now, or halfway through it eitherways I will never find out.

Disclaimer: I like to dramatise things a little, please ignore my theatrical skills ( read: the images)


So, A time when I thought about ending my own life. I’ve had very many moments where I’ve thought of ending my life, sometimes I know I’m kidding other times I’ve to convince myself that it will pass. I’m self destructive, have always been so though in the recent past I’m trying really hard to curb this habit, but as you know Imaginary Audience Old habits are harder to break than Iron Bars. Anywho, the moment I read today’s challenge some instances clicked and I’ll mention them briefly.

Through grades sixth, seventh and eighth my father’s friend sexually abused me whenever he visited us, touched me inappropriately, try to kiss me etc etc, So this once in eighth grade he was staying over at our place and I was sleeping in the next room while my brother and my parents slept in the third room, So that night he tried to get inside my bed and tried to force himself upon me. I managed to bite him, hit him and kick him out of my room but the horror never left. That night I wanted to kill myself.

Then once in the ninth grade my parents were fighting and I know parents fight and my parents fight a lot and things got uglier than ever and I was taking care of my younger brother, picking up things my father was breaking, trying to console ma, hoping that the neighbour’s wouldn’t hear and I remember sitting in the toilet wanting to die, wanting to kill myself.

Then this once I was travelling alone to Jodhpur in the train and Was sitting at the door, while the door was open (yes, here in India you can open the train door and smoke, spit, stare or whatever) and the sun was setting and I felt sad ( I think my abandonment issue were acting up, the fuckers!),  but content because I was in a beautiful place and I realised that I could never see all the beautiful places and the future seemed bleak with my depressing college full of snobs, the deteriorating state of music, lack of talent ( I can’t even breathe properly sometimes let alone walk straight) and I would rather burn out than fade away and I wanted to die. I was sad but content and all of sudden I Couldn’t breathe and I was heaving and crying and I felt tired, I felt as though I was forty at eighteen and it was depressing.  You know the need to make your mark, to debate and fight for the right, the need to do the correct thing, I think I left it in that train that day.

I think that was the day I lost my life, the ambition I had in me. I threw it out of the train with my cigarette bud. That was the day I realised how very menial we are, we are nothing but pricks on the planet and we are as likely to help the universe as we are to harm it ( Johngreenreference ) I didn’t want to change the world, or destroy all nuclear weapons, I just wanted to be. I have never recovered. I’m still that girl sitting there, staring at the sunset with the cigarette between my fingers feeling insignificant. It was that epiphany that changed me. Sometimes I still wish I had followed my instinct that day because I’m a disappointment to the society and my lack of interest in the world worries my parents, but then here I am.

Here I am with these mosquitoes sucking the living daylights out of me, with some good, new music in the background. That’s it for now.