Hello. I’m back. Sort of.

The last few months have been the best and worst months of my life. My last relevant, sober post was right before these major exams ( apparently the most important exams I will ever right) and surprisingly enough I kicked butt, despite not working hard, fucking around, Abusing substances etc. But despite getting one one of the best colleges in the country and getting the subject of my choice ( my major is English literature) things have been terrible and amazing and the only semi decent thing I’ve written in the last 8 months are my papers.
So, imaginary audience and the voices in my head- my sincere apologies.
I am okay. Alive and I do kick occasionally.
So today a friend of mine was undergoing some crisis, he was cribbing about whether going through the agony of wasting your time , energy, classes, emotions and words over someone you like but you aren’t sure likes you back, worth it.
My roommate didn’t know what to say so she asked me to say something for she didn’t know what to say.
That’s When I had my epiphany ( I’ll talk about it next time)

So this is what I said:

“See. Of what i know when it happens, ‘the whirlwind college romance’, it takes you along with it and doesn’t give you the time to contemplate, you are impulsive and spontaneous and you don’t realize that everything was at stake till you lose it or till you get it all back and more.
You don’t have the option to be confused, you are so into it that whatever the outcome you go on with it till it comes crashing or reaches the pinnacle of happiness you never thought you could have achieved.

The drama and confusion and hurt comes later, do YOU think its worth it because if you do then it is worth all this and more. And If you don’t then leave it be. You always have that option. So you choose. Do you want in ?
The like, love,drama and more. You make the call.

And the books and the movies are right, the songs do begin to make sense both the happy and the sad ones. The heartbreak is as real as they make it out to be, even worse. But good Lord I know for a fact that I’d undergo the confusion and agony of not knowing in the beginning and the heart break in the end a thousand times over only to feel that way. Once more. With anyone. Because there is nothing better than waking up in the morning and looking forward to seeing someone, everyday.
The drama and non sense is worth it.”

My opinion sounds ancient and utopian, maybe its from all the trashy novels that I have read and the Romcoms I’ve watched, I am delusional but I have faced the reality time and time again and though some would disagree that the baggage isn’t worth it and what I am saying is bullshit, it may be I don’t know but believing in this helps me get through the bad days and the good ones always have a chance of getting better.

Writing again is so good.
I’ll complete my thirty day challenge peeps. Oh. I missed this.

Drunk rant.

It’s okay?

Is it? Is it okay to be mediocre and live a life that everyone once lives. Leave no mark, leave no scar. Grow up, do what’s right, do what you are supposed to, get married,  make babies and die? Is that all we exist for?

I am scared. of the ordinary life, the 9-5 job, the marriage, the kids and all the other things I’m supposed to do. I believe in things which I am not supposed to, I live for things which aren’t of any importance.

Ideas are bulletproof, but dreams aren’t.

Dreams are for those who can’t sleep

and if you ask me to lie, I shan’t

For If I lie, I’ll weep

Life goes on they say

It does, I know.

It moves it’s own way’

and I wish I could let it go.

I wish I could live up

to their dreams and fantasies,

I wish I could cross the green seas.

Where the pirates roll,

The mermaids kill.

The stars fall,

And people will,

To change the world,

To dream, of things unknown and unseen,

To dream of things impossible which can be made real,

for the days long gone,

and the nights too short,

for those poeple we mourn,

for and the things we lost.

For the dreams we dreamt of before we could rhyme

For those beings we begged for, before they were mine.

For those cities we visited,

and the people we loved.

For those towers we conquered

and the cities we wrecked

We are the people,

The beings the friends,

We are the people

Who’ll last till the end,

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 3 – Your views on drugs and alcohol

Day 3 – Your views on drugs and alcohol

Drugs and Alcohol unfortunately are a very integral part of a teenagers life in the present day scenario. For an average teenager it doesn’t matter if you do drugs or consume alcohol, It is a major part of your life in someway or the other- either your friends are abusing it, or your dad is drinking too much, or you use it to escape the crowd, or you do it when you succumb to the peer pressure. But then there are some- like me.

Yes, I consume alcohol and I know I’m underage (since the legal age to drink in my country in 25 ) and I’ve done weed thrice. I don’t know if it’ wrong or right, I didn’t do it because the people around me do it because there are a lot of people who don’t. I did it because I wanted to. I want to experiment with things, mess around, make mistakes. I’m not addicted to it, I don’t want to be. Drugs aren’t my thing anyway. Doing it once in a while, in moderation is okay in my opinion till you are not killing yourself. It’s fine till you know what you are doing, it’s your life to make or break. It’s risky but alright by me till you are not harming yourself too much. But a very big part of me is scared that someday maybe, one of my friends or anyone for that matter will end up doing something drastic or killing themselves, over something as foolish as drugs. I scared. They anyway didn’t have any brain cells to begin with, and now that they are losing so many every day- it frightens me.

I have a very different opinion about alcohol. I’m all for it. It makes me happy, puts my guard down ( which is needed) and I enjoy it. I don’t like beer, I love vodka and Whisky. They are my absolute favorites. I love drinking, It makes me happy, it brings out the better person in me, I’m more aware of things and I can even tolerate people, emotions and people with emotions as I am terrible with them when sober.I drink too much, far more than I’m supposed to but with my asthma I can’t really mess around with the other junk. Unlike most of my pals, I don’t take in alcohol to get ‘drunk’ I consume alcohol because I like it. I enjoy it. I have now acquired a taste for it. But for me Alcohol is the one thing that converts my dad into a monster, and brings out the worst in him So I try not to over-do things because I don’t want to turn into that horrid being he turns into. Somewhere deep inside I also drink to get away, It helps in a weird way. It makes me forget stupid things, when crap gets out of hand. It helps me sleep. It’s a good break everyonce in a while. It helps me not feel things I don’t want to feel. I love Old no. 7. It helps in ways people and things don’t. Damn, I’m all nostalgic over a bottle of ethanol. -_-

To be honest anything in moderation is fine, never cross the thin line between moderate and a little more than required and you’ll be fine. It’s important to be self aware and it’s essential to be with people who will take care of you if something goes wrong, because it’s a huge risk. It can kill and it does. The rational being in me and the teenager crash again.So I’m careless while I’m with careful people. Hope I get through these hormonal chanegs safe and sound, and don’t end up in a rehab/juvie.

I’m decisionally challenged, I make bad decisions. That’s what I do, so this is expected of me and I live up to their expectations. 😛 More often than not I’ve to be told that this is stupid and it is then that I realize it.

But then again- As they say :

cheers 🙂

30 Day Writing challenge: Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Day 2 – Where would you like to be in ten years

Ten years is a long long time, I want a lot of things but there are two scenarios in my head and I can’t choose one, to be honest I can but the rational being in me collides with the dreamer in me and it’s a mess. So I’ll write about where I want to be, not where my family/friends/the society expects me to be in 10 years.

I want to travel, I want to see the world. I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t want a house which I call home. I want to leave, see the cities far and wide, travel in buses without knowing where they are going to take me, hook up with people I’ll never see again, eat things I never imagined I’d eat, go to places I dream of every night. I want to travel across the seas, sleep under the stars, meet people one day say goodbye the next. Travelling is grueling, I know that. It is unpredictable, unstable. I want to be free, I want no ties with anyone, I don’t want to take care of anyone but myself If and when I have to, I want to be free of any obligations. For years I’ve taken care of people- people I’m not supposed to take care of. I want freedom.

I don’t want a family, a husband. I want kids maybe 20 years down the lane, but not ten years from now. I want to drink without getting drunk, I want to be a little more polished than I am at the moment, a little less analytical  a little more brave. I want to be happier than I am at the moment. I know I’m almost the girl in the book, Almost. The girl in the book is always alone.She is brave, real and foolish. She is reckless, beautiful and funny. I’m almost there. I can’t stay still and I won’t be able to even ten years from now. I want the dreamer in me to still dream, the kid in me to still watch Saturday morning cartoons. I want to be out there somewhere in the world, with a backpack and a flashlight, looking for a spot to sleep under the stars .. unless there is an apocalypse. I’m not scared of zombies or any of those creatures, I can totally pal up with those beings and chill with them.

In ten years from now I’d want to be a happy traveler and a better person. Less self-centered, More communicative. I’d like to talk less and ‘communicate’ more. Ten years from now I’ll be somewhere on the globe being my self- laughing too loud, dancing in the rain and singing under the sun

As for the zombie Apocalypse,  I’m coming to get ya’ ! ^_^

And finally, as they say

Sigur Rós – Sæglópur

Sæglópur is a song by the Icelandic post-rock band Sigur Rós. It is Icelandic for ‘Lost at sea’. Though I don’t understand the lyrics, the music it is unreal. When it starts it feels like he is starting on a journey, taking the necessary precautions and then he begins. The trials and tribulations  the world raging a war against him and he is still trying to hold up, hold o. He is fighting the war in his mind, the war around himself, Then he begs, the stars and the sun and the moon to save whatever is left of him. To give me some peace, some closure.This song is the work of an absolute genius. It gives me hope, breaks me down, dusts my ass and helps me stand up again. In a weird way it gives me the support to enter the great unknown, it is teh entrance to the land of dreams far beyond the regular universe. I love it. The video is a thing of beauty in itself. It’s a joy to listen to this song!

Thank you Sigur Rós.

30 Day writing Challenge- Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

30 Day writing Challenge-

Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

Officially I’m not in a relationship, I’m just being a horrible person at the moment. So Let me confess I’m not ‘dating’ anyone but I’m sleeping with himself. We are ‘friends with benefits’ So technically I’m single but I’m sleeping with someone and yes, I like him. I don’t think he likes me though. I love it- the No strings attached routine. We cuddle, we laugh, We are cute, we avoid fighting, emotions and all that Jazz. I know it’s not like they show in the movies. I know that He won’t fall for me, One of us will get hurt etc. etc. But sometimes it’s okay to just let go. I don’t like relationships, I’m terrible at them. I don’t talk enough about myself, don’t confide in them , laugh too much, criticize their taste in music, talk to everyone, act nasty, fight at every given chance.


It’s very hard for me, the whole I-don’t-care-for-you facade. It’s not really my thing. I’m honest, sometimes brutally so and I really really like himself. I’ve liked him for almost two years now, Ever since I came to this city. We dated for a while, it didn’t work out for him but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I dated someone else for a while after that (didn’t cheat on him! ), but that didn’t work out as I was still hung up on himself and then I couldn’t connect with him- intellectually. My ex and I – there was nothing to talk about. I can talk to himself even though He is an asshole to me, and If I’m not wrong he is taking me for a ride but I like him and I don’t like people for too long anyway, I get bored, I am unstable but him, he is my shore. I don’t feel a lot for a lot of people, I’m really narcissistic. I like a very few people, that too for a very short period of time. Daddy issues, as some might say. I don’t trust people, I like having fun but that’s where it ends. I’m horrible once you get to know me, I’m moody, I’m annoying, I talk too much, I ‘m loud, foolish, mean and downright nasty.. !

I’ll probably end up getting really hurt in the long haul and I might even deserve it, I suppose but I really don’t care. He is the only person who knows so much about me, who knows me so well and he brings me happiness- even though they are in small dosages  and occassional. It’s worth it. I haven’t really gotten that physical with anyone, and don’t plan to in the near future but I don’t regret any of it. It was fun, It made me happy and It still does. We are cute sometimes too, we cross that line between friends with benefits and a couple are are very cutesy and cuddly, sometimes annoyingly so. So it’s not just sex, For me. He is a friend too, the closest I have at the moment. Though I’d never admit this to him.

Image

Both of us don’t know what we are doing, atleast I don’t but then again we are 17 and we aren’t supposed to. We are supposed to be foolish, reckless and irrational. It’d break my heart if I see if with anyone, but then again we are ‘just buddies who are sleeping with each other’ so I don’t really have the right and so I will sit here, write anonymously about himself and how awesomely weird things are, and how I love sex, how I really like him ad how he’ll never know any of these things ( unless he knows, already! ).

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I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, because I’m not hurting anyone and really it’s very big a deal. He makes me happy, I talk too much and piss him off. So I hope to get away from the city, get my dream college and a big part of me hopes that he doens’t come to the city where I go to, because honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get over him and I’ve already spent two years thinking/crying/praying/hoping, so now it’s time for me to cut him loose and grow up a little and make a life of my own. I will probably stop being friends with him too, because let’s be honest I don’t think we can ever be just friends. Because I’m half in love with him and I’m just his booty call. So no, Thanks. I’ll pass. 🙂

And then again, as they say-

😉

cheers!

30 day writing challenge ^_^

So I saw this thing on blogspot, about a 30 day writing challenge and I was reallly keen on doing it.

 Basically, you have those thirty topics you write about; one for each day:
Day 1 – Your current relationship, or how single life is
Day 2 – Where you would like to be in ten years
Day 3 – Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 4 – Your views on religion
Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life
Day 6 – Write thirty interesting facts about yourself
Day 7 – Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
Day 8 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life
Day 9 – your views on sex
Day 10 – Discuss your first love and first kiss
Day 11 – Put your music player on shuffle and write ten songs that pop up
Day 12 – Bullet your whole day
Day 13 – Somewhere you would like to move or visit
Day 14 – Your earliest memory
Day 15 – Your favorite books
Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year
Day 18 – Your beliefs
Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents
Day 20 – How important you think education is
Day 21 – One of your favorite shows
Day 22 – How have you changed in the past two years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of five guys who are famous who you find attractive
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why
Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you
Day 27 – A problem that you have had
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Goals for the next thirty days
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.
The next one month is going to be really crazy for me, Since my board result will be coming out and If i screw it up, I ‘m fucked. Really. Since it’s on the basis of these marks that I’ll get the college/course I want/ Anyway, I’ll try and be regular!
I think it’s a great way to put forth your views on topics like drugs, alcohol, education, family etc.
Cheers! 😀

Death and Suicide.

People Die. It’s simple. We come to the planet, get one shot at everything (most of us!), try to leave a mark, succeed or fail, and people die. It’s as simple as that, but somehow someone dying is the hardest thing to bear, it’s most of ours’ worst nightmare. I’m not planning on killing myself or anything, It’s just that people around me, acquaintances, people my friends talk about etc etc are dropping dead. All of a sudden. It’s scary since most of us haven’t exactly had the chance to make our mark, most of them haven’t had that shot we’ve been dreaming of ever since we could dream of things other than meeting micky mouse. ( I still want to meet him! ^_^ )

Death- we can’t escape it.

If we dream about it we are considered to be suicidal.

if we fear it, we are cowards.

My benchmate’s best friend died a week ago, he shot himself in the head. He lives in Delhi and I was visiting Delhi, While she was in pune( teh city where I live). When I found out about it, I didn’t know what to do, I spoke to her while she cried. He didn’t die on the spot, he was put on a ventilator and all. Let’s not get into the Details. in short He passed away. What makes a perfectly normal, happy guy, with a goal in life kill himself? I don’t know, none us do I guess. I reckon it were the circumstances.

I don’t believe in any particular god, and I don’t not believe in god either. I believe in a supreme power, whether it’s a bundle of energy or a spiritual authority I don’t know. There is something I believe in, because when things get bad I hope that that supreme sciento-spiritual energy will help those who help themselves.

I don’t think suicide is a sin. It’s a way of life, some people live life and some don’t. It’s simple. It’s their life and choice. I don’t think he was weak, or a coward. Even in suicide there is courage, to take an action so big, and not only life-altering but also life-ending requires courage. He was impulsive and I suppose in those last few minutes-selfish but sometimes you have to be selfish. Maybe he felt he let himself down and there is no worse feeling in the world. It is very hard to be so selfish that the world around you ceases to exist till such an extent that you can’t see anything but your sorrows, and there is nothing more dreadful to be in a situation like that. Things get better, I know it. We heal, that’s the way of nature but in order to heal we need to stay put for those horrid moments which seem like an eternity, and sometimes those horrid moments break a person. I’m not justifying his act, I hardly knew the guy but tomorrow say someone close to me kills him/herself I’d want to be reminded of these things while I’m sad because when a tragedy hits, rationality runs out of the closest window.

Death leaves a mark, those who crave to leave a mark in life sometimes resort to death, and others just die and leave a mark. Sometimes I feel leaving a mark is overrated, it’s like being popular, there is no peace in popularity and in order to leave a mark more often than not you give up peace. Sometimes I wish I could protect the people around me from death, from doing anything stupid or Naive but it’s not really possible, is it?

I hate to admit A selfish part of me was thankful that it wasn’t my best friend,  because though we don’t talk, we can’t talk. I can’t imagine him not being there, I can’t not imagine any of my close friends not being there. I hate those phoney facebook pages which people create after someone is dead, the statuses. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they aren’t respecting the person’s choice or misfortune. I feel like death is getting closer to me and mine, and it scares me shitless because let’s be honest those who die, have it easy. They are dead and we sit here-waiting, wanting, praying, hoping, crying, regretting. I have always had this weird feeling that I’ll die young, It’s not something I want, It’s just a feeling and I don’t like it. If and when I die I want people to laugh, really, because I know they’ll be sad and I hope they sit and laugh a lot, listen to great music and be happy, or have a dance party maybe and eat a LOT of cake, get very drunk and have sex. In my memory. That’d make me happy.

That’s what I believe if someone kills themselves then after days, months, years whenever one comes to terms with it one should throw a party because they did what they wanted to, they are out of misery and so you must be eternally happy and live some on their behalf.

Starshine on a starless night, Rain on a sunny afternoon. The rantings of an ambivalent teenager.

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