Category Archives: Rant101

When do you stop loving?

Is it when I don’t see your name in my call log

or when I start calling you by your first name?

Is it when long nights are made longer because there is no one to talk to

or when you look away?

Is it when I can’t smell you on my clothes anymore

Or when your number begins to slip from my mind?

Is it when I stop thinking of you

Or when I stop dreaming of your eyes?

Is it when I don’t recognize the expression on your face

or when you have your hands around her waist?

Is it when I haven’t seen you in nine months

or when you haven’t kissed me in eleven?

Is it when you are no longer the voice whispering in my ear

or when he sings our song and I hum along?

Is it when everything seems smaller because I can’t tell you about it

Or is it when I try not think of you when I wake up?

Is it when I hope the timing was wrong

or is it when I hope the chemistry was amiss?

Is it when I sleep with his breath on my neck

Or is it when your words leave my head?

Is it when you lie to me

or is it when you walk away?

When do I stop loving you?

Is it when you give up on me

or is it when I give in?

 

You left, you were right

now let go of my mind

Stop growing in, filling the vessels

the veins, the words

When do you stop loving?

When do I stop loving you?

Continue reading When do you stop loving?

In retrospect

Existing, that’s all I am doing right now. Due to my privileged background survival isn’t an issue, my parents will go out of their way to ensure that I survive. I’m not making the most of it, I’m not working at any NGO or doing a worthwhile internship or whatever but I’m happy. I’m as happy as an 18 year old boy with his girlfriend on his lap. Okay. maybe not that happy, but I’m good. I’m reading, eating and listening to some damn good stuff, I am writing trash by the moment, spending time with my mother and my dog, following the world cup. I’m oblivious to all the sorrow and pain in the world.

But then in moments I really want to go back a few years in time, because you know first world problems. Since we are so complacent we need to find something to whine about and hence, I want to go back in time. To a place where everything was familiar. I miss the rut, not school I didn’t like school but I liked the people I used to go to school to. Despite the drama and the nonsense ( I Know it seems easier in the retrospect, but maybe it wasn’t all that hard you know?) I miss seeing those familiar faces, I miss knowing what the other person was about to say, I miss the warmth ( and by warmth, I DO NOT mean the Delhi heat. oooh) I miss the routine, the not-so-great expectations, I miss having everyone a phone call or 5 kms away, I miss my friends not messing around with superscary drugs that I thought only existed in TV shows and books, I miss my friends being sober sometimes and caring, I miss waking up knowing I’ll meet them all and see himself, I miss himself walking me to my bus or picking me up from my place, I miss my best friends just landing up at my place and the comfortable silence.

I miss the long conversations, the lazy mornings, the happy times, I miss making plans which would never come true. I just miss it, and It’s a 3 second thing, when I miss them but goodness gracious it hits me harder than the Delhi heat (No, my room is not air conditioned. I have a lousy fan which functions only when there is electricity. GOOGLE DELHI Temperature, google it now. )

It will be okay, and It is okay and it is just a matter of three second and I just wanted to rant.  

Hello. I’m back. Sort of.

The last few months have been the best and worst months of my life. My last relevant, sober post was right before these major exams ( apparently the most important exams I will ever right) and surprisingly enough I kicked butt, despite not working hard, fucking around, Abusing substances etc. But despite getting one one of the best colleges in the country and getting the subject of my choice ( my major is English literature) things have been terrible and amazing and the only semi decent thing I’ve written in the last 8 months are my papers.
So, imaginary audience and the voices in my head- my sincere apologies.
I am okay. Alive and I do kick occasionally.
So today a friend of mine was undergoing some crisis, he was cribbing about whether going through the agony of wasting your time , energy, classes, emotions and words over someone you like but you aren’t sure likes you back, worth it.
My roommate didn’t know what to say so she asked me to say something for she didn’t know what to say.
That’s When I had my epiphany ( I’ll talk about it next time)

So this is what I said:

“See. Of what i know when it happens, ‘the whirlwind college romance’, it takes you along with it and doesn’t give you the time to contemplate, you are impulsive and spontaneous and you don’t realize that everything was at stake till you lose it or till you get it all back and more.
You don’t have the option to be confused, you are so into it that whatever the outcome you go on with it till it comes crashing or reaches the pinnacle of happiness you never thought you could have achieved.

The drama and confusion and hurt comes later, do YOU think its worth it because if you do then it is worth all this and more. And If you don’t then leave it be. You always have that option. So you choose. Do you want in ?
The like, love,drama and more. You make the call.

And the books and the movies are right, the songs do begin to make sense both the happy and the sad ones. The heartbreak is as real as they make it out to be, even worse. But good Lord I know for a fact that I’d undergo the confusion and agony of not knowing in the beginning and the heart break in the end a thousand times over only to feel that way. Once more. With anyone. Because there is nothing better than waking up in the morning and looking forward to seeing someone, everyday.
The drama and non sense is worth it.”

My opinion sounds ancient and utopian, maybe its from all the trashy novels that I have read and the Romcoms I’ve watched, I am delusional but I have faced the reality time and time again and though some would disagree that the baggage isn’t worth it and what I am saying is bullshit, it may be I don’t know but believing in this helps me get through the bad days and the good ones always have a chance of getting better.

Writing again is so good.
I’ll complete my thirty day challenge peeps. Oh. I missed this.

Drunk rant.

It’s okay?

Is it? Is it okay to be mediocre and live a life that everyone once lives. Leave no mark, leave no scar. Grow up, do what’s right, do what you are supposed to, get married,  make babies and die? Is that all we exist for?

I am scared. of the ordinary life, the 9-5 job, the marriage, the kids and all the other things I’m supposed to do. I believe in things which I am not supposed to, I live for things which aren’t of any importance.

Ideas are bulletproof, but dreams aren’t.

Dreams are for those who can’t sleep

and if you ask me to lie, I shan’t

For If I lie, I’ll weep

Life goes on they say

It does, I know.

It moves it’s own way’

and I wish I could let it go.

I wish I could live up

to their dreams and fantasies,

I wish I could cross the green seas.

Where the pirates roll,

The mermaids kill.

The stars fall,

And people will,

To change the world,

To dream, of things unknown and unseen,

To dream of things impossible which can be made real,

for the days long gone,

and the nights too short,

for those poeple we mourn,

for and the things we lost.

For the dreams we dreamt of before we could rhyme

For those beings we begged for, before they were mine.

For those cities we visited,

and the people we loved.

For those towers we conquered

and the cities we wrecked

We are the people,

The beings the friends,

We are the people

Who’ll last till the end,

Things about me which I thought were normal but aren’t

Things about me which I thought were normal but aren’t:

1. I sleep with my underwear on.

(I just found out that it’s weird and unhealthy! -_-)

2. I get nightmares, so I’m up for most part of the night and sleep at dawn, when I’m saturated beyond the Imma-get-nightmares-tonight stage

3. I buy expensive lingerie.

( I thought it was normal since everyone in  ALL the chick-flicks and chick-lits did that, till I asked other people my age. Damn. )

4. I wear the same pair of jeans everyday and never put them in for a wash.

(I’m a 17 year old ‘girl’. )

5. I’ve never heard a Nicki Minaj song. Ever. whenever I see her on tv, I flip the channel and I’ve never ever tried to look for her on youtube

6. I’ve never read 50 shades of grey, don’t plan to either.

7. I don’t like chatting, or texting or talking on the phone. I prefer seeing people is real.

8. I eat a lot, unlike other girls my age.

9. I don’t like hugging.

10. I don’t want to get married neither do I want a boyfriend.

11. I have friends spread across the either country. In almost every state.

12. My best friend lives 1749 kms away and is a guy and no I don’t like  him. He is my best buddy.

13. I like living with my parents, I like talking to my mother. I’m supposed to hate her, but she’s really chill.

14. I like not wearing make up and not acting dumb.

15. I can’t pout. I really can’t.

16. I don’t think losing my virginity is a big thing. It’s a thing, yes. but the whole ‘deflowering shit’ is just crap. you want to do it, you do it. with anyone you want in the privacy of your room.

17. I love my family and a few people, and my dog. That’s it.

18. I’m over the “photography phase” but I don’t think I can ever get over horses. ( Lost in translation reference 😛 )

19. I don’t like watching movies, I prefer reading books. I don’t have the patience to sit and watch a whole movie.

20. I like re-watching movies better.

21. I cry during the stupidest of movies, really it’s an art.

22. I think hating math is uncool, and I think I’m really stupid for being bad at it.

23. I think Obama is really goodlooking.

24. I get a cold everymorning and it disappears till the noon. ( asthma-_- )

25. I liked school, it was fun. And I don’t miss it like everyone claims to. It’s like a vacation, I’m happy sitting at home doing nothing.

26. I like football.

27. My eye and hand coordination is really bad.

28. I think Sidney sheldon and chocolate muffins are over-rated.

29.  I like guys who smell good, them smelling good is better than them looking nice. And guys who are smart, really really smart. ( and a good taste in music! 😛 )

30. I love making out, I honestly genuinely love it.

31. I curse a lot.

Who Am I ?

Psychology is one of my subjects and it might be the study I major in, one thing that I’ve learnt by studying it is all of us have issues. ALL of us. We just can’t escape them, and It’s important to come to terms with it and know where and how they originate and how they affect us.

Now back to me, ( I’m such a narcissist ) For a very long time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me,I knew something was though. I knew I wasn’t schizophrenic  neither was I suffering from OCD. I was just unstable, ( I almost came to believe that I had borderline personality disorder) Then one day I realized that I was just weird, plain simple weird. Which isn’t a disorder. I’m as normal, as a weird person can be and I suppose everyone feels like they are ‘unusual’ and ‘weird’. But I still had my issues.

Being an Army brat, I’ve had to change cities and school very often, due to all that unstability while growing up, I can’t commit to anything. I’m very duty conscience IF I’m supposed to do something, I’ll go out of my way and do it but IF I have to commit to something, someone I can’t. I start getting annoyed, I need my space, which is way too much to ask for considering I need a lot of it, I need my things to remain as it is, I need people to not question what I do and how I do it. All in all which is too much to ask for and isn’t fair on the other person.

I need to move houses, need to see new people, travel, I need the change now. I wouldn’t admit it if you’d ask me in person, but I know it. I can’t stay in the same place, with the same people for too long. I’m already in love with the people I’ve never met and the places I’ve never seen. There is this craving in me to leave, I love leaving even though it breaks my heart and I pine for the old place, I love it. I love starting afresh. I love not staying for too long. I’m unpredictable, moody and I leave

and that is what I am. It kills me and a lot of others but that is how it is. It’s easy now, since I know it. Earlier I used to wonder what was wrong with me.

I forgive easy, I leave early, I sleep in late, I’m moody, I’m cranky, I’m hyper. I’m your average teenager with existential crisis.

🙂

For what it’s worth.

I was watching a soap today, and a character in it said this little something which hit me hard, in the face. She said “I really… I really miss him. I want to tell him that I still love him. But I open my mouth and nothing comes out. And everything is terrible.”.

THIS thing that she said, unfortunately for me I understood exactly what she means. Day in and day out, whether wide awake or half sleep, whether driving or walking himself is always at the back of my mind. It has been a year, since we broke up (or he broke up with me) and I did move on (almost) But I did not. I have not budged from the spot where he left me. We are friends. Buddies. Mates. Whatever you want to call it. We’ve had a few “moments” when drunk, and a few “moments” when sober but that’s about it. I care about him, I really care about him and so I’m obnoxious when around him, instead of being cool, calm and composed or whatever that he is looking for. We talk regularly, have the same set of friends but he doesn’t care. And I can’t mash it down, what I feel for him and neither does he care.

He keeps telling me that I talk too much, or I’m imposing or I overact so on and so forth, which makes me feel like sheer unadulterated crap but i talk to him despite all this. I wonder why does he tell me all this, Why should he even notice my behaviour? and then I realize maybe I’m so annoying that he can’t help but notice how horribly stupid I am and How I end up making a fool of myself, everytime. everywhere. So I try to talk less, be less imposing and try to bring the change.

I know I sound really daft, ( I probably am too) but he is this super rational, really great guy so when he says something like that, I suppose it’s right because he isn’t the kind to talk unnecessarily ( I do that though and how! )

Anyway, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the way he smelt, my fingers in his hair, his hands, the way he’d play the guitar, that look on his face while listening to/ playing/ making music, that half smirk of his, the conversations, I miss him so much and there are times when I want to run to him and tell him all about everything and instead I don’t move and wave at him from a distance. There are times, while standing next to him, I smell him by chance and all these things come rushing back and there is so much that I want to say to him and I open my mouth with the scripted conversation in my head, but end up talking about something as trivial as the plan for the evening. Sometimes when he walks past me, I can’t breathe. I don’t mean metaphorically, I physically can’t breathe.

I miss what we had, because despite having been with a lot of guys I never had something like that. I could never talk about everything. All In all I miss him. I never thought it was possible to miss someone who is right there, so much. But it is. No guy can ever match up to him, because he put me up at a pedestal (and kicked my ass). I’m a stress eater, I eat A LOT When I’m stressed but when he starts hitting on these girls and goes out for drinks, I can’t. Eat. I feel like puking. I can’t sleep sometimes, I spend hours thinking about him. I know I’m being foolish and It’s time that I move on, I know all of that, But it just isn’t Happening. He happened when I was busy making plans, and now the plans have long dissolved, and he is long gone but I’m still here.

If he were a bad guy, who was abusive or nasty or a cheat, I’d convince my self that he isn’t worth the time and the energy, but the fault lies in me. I screwed up and always screw up. It’s this inborn talent, I have. I fucked up and ruined things but I tried. I tried so hard to put it back and get him back and tried to explain things, I tried to fight. I still am fighting for him, for us, for what we were but I don’t have any hope because in my heart of heart I know that it’s done. He’s done.

They say, “never give up, fight for what you want”

I’m fighting, I’m fighting so hard. I’m fighting myself too, and the universe refuses to notice the difference. It’s more of a need now. He makes me feel better even now, in this strange place he is home. He makes sense, when I can’t talk to my mother or my best friend and still takes my crap occasionally and reminds me constantly of my dream and tells me that I can do it, when I cease to believe in myself. He’s amazing, occasionally. Maybe because he has no choice. Maybe he thinks he’s obliged to do so. Maybe he is basically a decent soul.

He is my buddy. friend. Mate.

But he is so much more.

I open my mouth, trying to tell him, trying to explain, trying to not look like i’m trying too hard, trying to understand why, trying to do so much.. but I do nothing, I say nothing, I explain nothing, I understand nothing I just stand and smile at him and the universe, and try to remember how he smelt and do nothing…. and everything is So terrible.

But I’ll fight and try some more. Maybe some day. For what it’s worth.

The First

While studying history today, I began dreaming of how I met himself for the first time. I remember I came back to this city ( Pune)  After spending 2 years in another town (mhow)

I was really nervous, going back to my old school and spending the last two years of high school here and everything. For a long time, after I’d left Pune I wanted to come back I missed my old friends, the rain and the streets and everything but after a while I fell in love with Mhow, the small town, the Rain, the people, the teachers and found my best buddies, so life was smooth. But like they say, “be careful what you wish for” and I was back in pune

Being back was weird, everyone had changed, Some people had left, new ones had replaced them, everything was new and I had been missing from action for two whole years. So all in all, it was worse than being new. Well, I entered my school gates with my recently washed hair, and well waxed arms and eyebrows, all new and shiny while I was crapping in my pants.

I saw my friends standing at the end of the road, there were squeals and screams, Hellos and long times’. I was alien to it, it was almost as though I was still standing at the gate watching my body walk on the road towards the crowd, meeting people, greeting them, faking smiles, trying to be interested. I wasn’t excited, I was scared. I hate meeting old people again, people I didn’t keep in touch with, people I was close to once upon a time, people I lied to, people I trusted and then stopped talking to. Too many things and too many people.

I’d rather meet new people, in a new town where no one knew me and Where & what I came from.

Anyway while I tried to embrace the attention, we were summoned for the morning assembly. I stood with my old girl friends, trying to grasp all the information they were throwing at me, looking for old people and looking at the new people, wondering If i have any classes with them. While all my girlies were swooning over this one guy, who was talking too much for my taste, I saw this tall, dark guy standing a few rows away, standing at the end of the row; being so tall and everything he was hard to miss. He stood there staring at the stage, stood their awkwardly, scratching his chin and talking to this guy in front of him.

He looked so awkward there I almost laughed out loud, he made me feel better I wasn’t as out-of-place as him, I was hoping that  I have a class with him and looked away at the stage, where the headmistress was giving her welcome speech wondering what his name was.

……………………………

After the first three lessons, during lunch we hung out near the cafeteria. I was quiet, which was unusual because usually I have a lot to say.  I saw him at a distance, wondering If I know the people he was talking to, I heard my girlies say that he isn’t a nice guy and he led this girl on. I didn’t believe them, not that girl atleast. I mean he didn’t seem the type to lead a girl on. He looked awkward and not smooth like the guy these girls were throwing themselves at.

After another two lessons, I had my Math class as I entered the math class, I saw that awkward guy there, sitting with someone I didn’t know. He sat at the other end of the class room. I knew at that very moment that I’m going to flunk in math for the next two years! Our teacher skipped the introductions and jumped right away to functions. halfway through the lesson she realised that he didn’t know the classes we were from, so we were asked to make a list with a name and Class, I calculated the seat no. where he sat, and  looked for his name on the list expecting his handwriting to be calligraphic, on the sixth place I saw this barely legible name, in his crooked font  it read- “himself” and I smiled, an honest to god smile,First time that day.

I should have guessed at that very moment, that I was done for. 🙂

Dear Bestfriend

Dear best friend,

I hope all is good. I’m fine here too, I guess. I sleep late and wake up even later (i’m not sure if it’s grammatically correct, but hey you are no grammar nazi. ) I talk too much and sleep even more. I think about you everyday and on bad days every second of the day. Things are okay, I guess. I guess a lot these days, I’m not certain of anything. The things I’ve been certain of all my life, I’m no longer sure of them. I’m no longer opinionated, or stubborn. I’m easy. I forgive, I forget, I see what I want to, I hear what I want to. I don’t know anything, best friend. I’m not even sure of you or us or anyone. Now , when I’m angry I sit and stare at the wall and do the same when I’m happy. I don’t have to tell everyone, everything anymore. I just tell almost everyone, almost everything. I especially omit the bits which people are supposed to know. 

I no longer, run back home to call you and tell you what happened, because I can’t. Instead I come back, stare at the phone, don’t even try to talk to the pre-recorded freak on the otherend of the phone telling me that you’ll be available in an instant. What is an instant anyway? It’s how you define it. In the course of life these 50 whatever days will seem like an instant, but right now they are longer that the year and half I spent with you. SO when upset, angry or confused, I stare at the phone, re-run the situation and the conversation in my head and imagine what would you say and try to tell myself the same.

It’s not getting any easier, with time. I just look for more flaws in what we have and ignore all the good bits. I hate the fact that you are so far away. I hate not being able to tell you things and not having to hear what you have to say about it. I hate not being able to sleep when I want to, I hate not knowing how you are and who you are with. I hate feeling so alone, in a room full of people. I miss your reactions and your laugh and I hate guessing. Guessing if you are fine and if I am fine, and if I’ll get what i want and if what you got is what you want and all the million other questions tha I can’t figure out. It’s hazy the future and so is the past because I wonder if it were true. I just feel stupid now. And alone, really alone. 

Dear best friend, everything is bleak and I miss you so much. A win isn’t a win till I can tell you about it, a day isn’t a day till you know all about it, my jokes are almost grey now. They are so bad that people think that I’m talking and not cracking a joke, I’ve to tell them that it was a joke and they look at me with wonder, thinking is she retarded? I can’t tell people how I really feel about something, I can’t tell my friends my secrets because I feel you need to know about them before they do and so I shut down and go back to staring at the wall. I talk endlessly and thoughtlessly so people don’t know how much I miss you. I miss you so much, It hurts. physically sometimes. I want to tell you about the book I read, the police chap I fought with, the new watch, my lost earring, the bruise on my arm, example 41 in integration, how this cloud looked like you, how I’m going to marry a chicken samosa seller, how i’m broke, about my new shoes, and the old ones, momo and his ticks (he’s friends wth them I guess), this window in my room which is like a rabbit, this song I heard recently, my favorite new shirt, about when I ate my newly grown nails amd I can go on forever.

I can’t be rational, like I promised and i can’t take care of myself, because I hate it. I hate taking care of myself, eating on time, wearing a jacket when cold, taking my medicines and being sane. I hate it. I hate being responsible and careful and I miss you. 

I miss you a lot, I never thought it was humanly possible to miss someone like this, best friend. I don’t care who you hung out with because I doubt they know you like I do. I guess they don’t. I love you, dear best friend. you are still here, I guess ; whispering jokes in my ears, making my hair before parties, crticising me when I’m stupid and never saying ‘ i told you so ‘ Instead you are here, laughing at my newest mistake and telling me how awesome I’m because I make your life so entertaining. You are my brightest star in the sky, my sirius. 

The sirius to my James, The harry to my hermione, galazy tab to my alarm clock and the yin to my yang.

Have I told you how much I miss you? I guess, I can never say this enough. 

Yours, I guess.

Always.

 

Just ordinary

I’m ordinary. I’m Very very ordinary. I’m not unique, or different. You’ll find the likes of me all over the world. I’m freakishly ordinary. I’m horribly predictable, fairly typical, occasionally boring. I wake up late on average days, Rush to work, or class, stay be late at night over thinking, over analysing, wondering how can I leave my mark on this planet, How can I be remembered, How can I ever be the person I so desperately want to be, I imagine oh-so-almost perfect scenarios in my head, I keep editing them, over and over again till they are almost perfect. Till they are fairly typical, Freakishly ordinary. I plan what to do the next day, but I wake up too late, my work is sill sloppy, random people still on my mind so on and so forth.

I’ve never done anything unusual, my peers have. I don’t play any instrument, don’t speak on stage, don’t know any languages, read and reread books in frequently, listen to a lot of not-so-popular music, dream more than it’s healthy and do nothing to make those dreams come true.

 

and now I’m not going to write what I wanted to because I’m busy dreaming up the perfect dream.