Category Archives: Himself

Black and white

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“She woke with a start. The light seeping into her room brought her to reality, her mind still stuck in the place where dreams can be touched was forced to acknowledge the ugly morning. His name was on her lips, she had dreamt of him after months. It was almost as real as the sweat trickling down her back, the dream. She tried to go back to sleep, covered her head with a pillow, focused on the last thing she remembered, to relive it, to go back to the place where he slept with his arm around her waist but it was fast fading and she didn’t know how to grasp on to something that was already so hazy.

She gave up and after laying in bed for a couple of minutes thinking, she got up and went to freshen up. “I hate mornings”, she muttered as she looked in her scratched and parched mirror. She thought about the dream, while under the shower. As cold water cleansed through the previous days grease and sweat, it didn’t do anything for the mess in her mind. Few images from last nights dream remained, She had cheated on someone with him in her dream. How is that even possible? “I would never cheat on anyone, it was a foolish dream”, she convinced herself. ‘Dreams are lies and this was more of a nightmare”

Often labelled as ‘casual but honest’, she was a paradox. Known for not lying or cheating people, her moral compass usually went around in circles, never having been with a guy for very long unlike all of her other friends, she loved with a passion so strong, that it burned out very quick. Attractive and brilliant she felt that people disrupted her zen and hence, she liked things to remain casual. But him, he made her moral compass whizz, faster than the speed of light. She let go of all the boundaries that she had set for herself and loved him, almost gave away her soul but then he left.
People leave, so did he and things went back to square one. The casual sleeping around, the drinking-till-she-forgot-the-guy-she-was-making-out-with’s-name, smoking marlboro reds till her throat gave up, working up till 3:00AM sleeping till 4:00PM, Pornhub and chat rooms, Dark-circles and hangovers, deadlines and nightmares. She was fine, taking each day as it came but every once in a while late at night, when the war in her mind raged wilder than the storm-stricken sea she relapsed and regretted.

Strangely enough, the last few days had been .. happy. She was working with kids these days and nothing brought her more joy. Thus, the dream this morn left her unnerved. She hadn’t purposely thought about him in the last week, she hadn’t gone through their pictures or listened to their songs, he had crossed her mind but then he always crossed her mind. The dream made her jittery, he had been so close and she could see the gleam on his nails, the veins on his neck, the cracks in his lips. Those images flashed by and she shuddered,’is she capable of cheating on someone, Anyone with him? Can she hurt someone who loves her and trusts her just to be with him for another night’ The question haunted her, She didn’t believe in lying or cheating. Very few things in the universe were wrong according to her, cheating constituted as one of those rare things. Cheating can never be justified, she told herself and she would never cheat on anyone for she knew how it felt to be on the receiving end, she managed to convince herself. ‘It was just a dream, a stupid one that too’

* *

Later when she lay in her bed, tired after the long day staring at her Ruby Sparks poster, she wondered if anything is ever Black or White. All her life she set these ideals for herself, tried to not judge others or question their doings but can lying be justified?, she thought as the itch on her ankle screamed murder.
Born in a family where her father had cheated on her mother, her first boyfriend on her, her bestfriend’s first love on her Everywhere around her, cheating only hurt people and isn’t hurting people wrong? So how can anyone ever cheat, she thought isn’t it selfish to do something like this. Would she cheat on someone for him ? No, she wouldn’t but would she leave someone for him? If it came to that Yes, she would. But wouldn’t that constitute as cheating too? She would cheat her feelings, call her words a lie, everything she and someone had dreamt of together would be a lie, she would live a lie, she would fake feelings and words and orgasms, she would and why shouldn’t she?
He made her feel things she never knew she was capable of feeling but what if someone loves her to the stars and back?, she wondered as the sun rose and she realised it was time to sleep
Wasn’t everything supposed to be black and white?

30 Day writing Challenge- Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

30 Day writing Challenge-

Day 1: Your current relationship, or how single life is

Officially I’m not in a relationship, I’m just being a horrible person at the moment. So Let me confess I’m not ‘dating’ anyone but I’m sleeping with himself. We are ‘friends with benefits’ So technically I’m single but I’m sleeping with someone and yes, I like him. I don’t think he likes me though. I love it- the No strings attached routine. We cuddle, we laugh, We are cute, we avoid fighting, emotions and all that Jazz. I know it’s not like they show in the movies. I know that He won’t fall for me, One of us will get hurt etc. etc. But sometimes it’s okay to just let go. I don’t like relationships, I’m terrible at them. I don’t talk enough about myself, don’t confide in them , laugh too much, criticize their taste in music, talk to everyone, act nasty, fight at every given chance.


It’s very hard for me, the whole I-don’t-care-for-you facade. It’s not really my thing. I’m honest, sometimes brutally so and I really really like himself. I’ve liked him for almost two years now, Ever since I came to this city. We dated for a while, it didn’t work out for him but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I dated someone else for a while after that (didn’t cheat on him! ), but that didn’t work out as I was still hung up on himself and then I couldn’t connect with him- intellectually. My ex and I – there was nothing to talk about. I can talk to himself even though He is an asshole to me, and If I’m not wrong he is taking me for a ride but I like him and I don’t like people for too long anyway, I get bored, I am unstable but him, he is my shore. I don’t feel a lot for a lot of people, I’m really narcissistic. I like a very few people, that too for a very short period of time. Daddy issues, as some might say. I don’t trust people, I like having fun but that’s where it ends. I’m horrible once you get to know me, I’m moody, I’m annoying, I talk too much, I ‘m loud, foolish, mean and downright nasty.. !

I’ll probably end up getting really hurt in the long haul and I might even deserve it, I suppose but I really don’t care. He is the only person who knows so much about me, who knows me so well and he brings me happiness- even though they are in small dosages  and occassional. It’s worth it. I haven’t really gotten that physical with anyone, and don’t plan to in the near future but I don’t regret any of it. It was fun, It made me happy and It still does. We are cute sometimes too, we cross that line between friends with benefits and a couple are are very cutesy and cuddly, sometimes annoyingly so. So it’s not just sex, For me. He is a friend too, the closest I have at the moment. Though I’d never admit this to him.

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Both of us don’t know what we are doing, atleast I don’t but then again we are 17 and we aren’t supposed to. We are supposed to be foolish, reckless and irrational. It’d break my heart if I see if with anyone, but then again we are ‘just buddies who are sleeping with each other’ so I don’t really have the right and so I will sit here, write anonymously about himself and how awesomely weird things are, and how I love sex, how I really like him ad how he’ll never know any of these things ( unless he knows, already! ).

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I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, because I’m not hurting anyone and really it’s very big a deal. He makes me happy, I talk too much and piss him off. So I hope to get away from the city, get my dream college and a big part of me hopes that he doens’t come to the city where I go to, because honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get over him and I’ve already spent two years thinking/crying/praying/hoping, so now it’s time for me to cut him loose and grow up a little and make a life of my own. I will probably stop being friends with him too, because let’s be honest I don’t think we can ever be just friends. Because I’m half in love with him and I’m just his booty call. So no, Thanks. I’ll pass. 🙂

And then again, as they say-

😉

cheers!

For what it’s worth.

I was watching a soap today, and a character in it said this little something which hit me hard, in the face. She said “I really… I really miss him. I want to tell him that I still love him. But I open my mouth and nothing comes out. And everything is terrible.”.

THIS thing that she said, unfortunately for me I understood exactly what she means. Day in and day out, whether wide awake or half sleep, whether driving or walking himself is always at the back of my mind. It has been a year, since we broke up (or he broke up with me) and I did move on (almost) But I did not. I have not budged from the spot where he left me. We are friends. Buddies. Mates. Whatever you want to call it. We’ve had a few “moments” when drunk, and a few “moments” when sober but that’s about it. I care about him, I really care about him and so I’m obnoxious when around him, instead of being cool, calm and composed or whatever that he is looking for. We talk regularly, have the same set of friends but he doesn’t care. And I can’t mash it down, what I feel for him and neither does he care.

He keeps telling me that I talk too much, or I’m imposing or I overact so on and so forth, which makes me feel like sheer unadulterated crap but i talk to him despite all this. I wonder why does he tell me all this, Why should he even notice my behaviour? and then I realize maybe I’m so annoying that he can’t help but notice how horribly stupid I am and How I end up making a fool of myself, everytime. everywhere. So I try to talk less, be less imposing and try to bring the change.

I know I sound really daft, ( I probably am too) but he is this super rational, really great guy so when he says something like that, I suppose it’s right because he isn’t the kind to talk unnecessarily ( I do that though and how! )

Anyway, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the way he smelt, my fingers in his hair, his hands, the way he’d play the guitar, that look on his face while listening to/ playing/ making music, that half smirk of his, the conversations, I miss him so much and there are times when I want to run to him and tell him all about everything and instead I don’t move and wave at him from a distance. There are times, while standing next to him, I smell him by chance and all these things come rushing back and there is so much that I want to say to him and I open my mouth with the scripted conversation in my head, but end up talking about something as trivial as the plan for the evening. Sometimes when he walks past me, I can’t breathe. I don’t mean metaphorically, I physically can’t breathe.

I miss what we had, because despite having been with a lot of guys I never had something like that. I could never talk about everything. All In all I miss him. I never thought it was possible to miss someone who is right there, so much. But it is. No guy can ever match up to him, because he put me up at a pedestal (and kicked my ass). I’m a stress eater, I eat A LOT When I’m stressed but when he starts hitting on these girls and goes out for drinks, I can’t. Eat. I feel like puking. I can’t sleep sometimes, I spend hours thinking about him. I know I’m being foolish and It’s time that I move on, I know all of that, But it just isn’t Happening. He happened when I was busy making plans, and now the plans have long dissolved, and he is long gone but I’m still here.

If he were a bad guy, who was abusive or nasty or a cheat, I’d convince my self that he isn’t worth the time and the energy, but the fault lies in me. I screwed up and always screw up. It’s this inborn talent, I have. I fucked up and ruined things but I tried. I tried so hard to put it back and get him back and tried to explain things, I tried to fight. I still am fighting for him, for us, for what we were but I don’t have any hope because in my heart of heart I know that it’s done. He’s done.

They say, “never give up, fight for what you want”

I’m fighting, I’m fighting so hard. I’m fighting myself too, and the universe refuses to notice the difference. It’s more of a need now. He makes me feel better even now, in this strange place he is home. He makes sense, when I can’t talk to my mother or my best friend and still takes my crap occasionally and reminds me constantly of my dream and tells me that I can do it, when I cease to believe in myself. He’s amazing, occasionally. Maybe because he has no choice. Maybe he thinks he’s obliged to do so. Maybe he is basically a decent soul.

He is my buddy. friend. Mate.

But he is so much more.

I open my mouth, trying to tell him, trying to explain, trying to not look like i’m trying too hard, trying to understand why, trying to do so much.. but I do nothing, I say nothing, I explain nothing, I understand nothing I just stand and smile at him and the universe, and try to remember how he smelt and do nothing…. and everything is So terrible.

But I’ll fight and try some more. Maybe some day. For what it’s worth.

The First

While studying history today, I began dreaming of how I met himself for the first time. I remember I came back to this city ( Pune)  After spending 2 years in another town (mhow)

I was really nervous, going back to my old school and spending the last two years of high school here and everything. For a long time, after I’d left Pune I wanted to come back I missed my old friends, the rain and the streets and everything but after a while I fell in love with Mhow, the small town, the Rain, the people, the teachers and found my best buddies, so life was smooth. But like they say, “be careful what you wish for” and I was back in pune

Being back was weird, everyone had changed, Some people had left, new ones had replaced them, everything was new and I had been missing from action for two whole years. So all in all, it was worse than being new. Well, I entered my school gates with my recently washed hair, and well waxed arms and eyebrows, all new and shiny while I was crapping in my pants.

I saw my friends standing at the end of the road, there were squeals and screams, Hellos and long times’. I was alien to it, it was almost as though I was still standing at the gate watching my body walk on the road towards the crowd, meeting people, greeting them, faking smiles, trying to be interested. I wasn’t excited, I was scared. I hate meeting old people again, people I didn’t keep in touch with, people I was close to once upon a time, people I lied to, people I trusted and then stopped talking to. Too many things and too many people.

I’d rather meet new people, in a new town where no one knew me and Where & what I came from.

Anyway while I tried to embrace the attention, we were summoned for the morning assembly. I stood with my old girl friends, trying to grasp all the information they were throwing at me, looking for old people and looking at the new people, wondering If i have any classes with them. While all my girlies were swooning over this one guy, who was talking too much for my taste, I saw this tall, dark guy standing a few rows away, standing at the end of the row; being so tall and everything he was hard to miss. He stood there staring at the stage, stood their awkwardly, scratching his chin and talking to this guy in front of him.

He looked so awkward there I almost laughed out loud, he made me feel better I wasn’t as out-of-place as him, I was hoping that  I have a class with him and looked away at the stage, where the headmistress was giving her welcome speech wondering what his name was.

……………………………

After the first three lessons, during lunch we hung out near the cafeteria. I was quiet, which was unusual because usually I have a lot to say.  I saw him at a distance, wondering If I know the people he was talking to, I heard my girlies say that he isn’t a nice guy and he led this girl on. I didn’t believe them, not that girl atleast. I mean he didn’t seem the type to lead a girl on. He looked awkward and not smooth like the guy these girls were throwing themselves at.

After another two lessons, I had my Math class as I entered the math class, I saw that awkward guy there, sitting with someone I didn’t know. He sat at the other end of the class room. I knew at that very moment that I’m going to flunk in math for the next two years! Our teacher skipped the introductions and jumped right away to functions. halfway through the lesson she realised that he didn’t know the classes we were from, so we were asked to make a list with a name and Class, I calculated the seat no. where he sat, and  looked for his name on the list expecting his handwriting to be calligraphic, on the sixth place I saw this barely legible name, in his crooked font  it read- “himself” and I smiled, an honest to god smile,First time that day.

I should have guessed at that very moment, that I was done for. 🙂