.. you wanted to know why

I was going to send this to this guy who I’ve been talking to and sleeping with for the past six months and something happened and this what I was going to send him, except that he’s an ass and I won’t. 

I wish I could take back the poem I wrote, thank god I didn’t send it to him. Not that I would have.

Anyway this is what I Wrote, hope you have a good laugh over it Imaginary audience. It’s anything but funny. Honestly. Lost of emo-shiz going on down there

“See, the thing is I don’t know what am I doing and what are we doing, I mean I know what we are ‘doing’ It’s just that I don’t know how or why or what and it frustrates me because I generally have control over things, except when I am drunk even then when I’m sober I figure things out, chalk them out and keep my priorities and head clear.
And then there’s you. 
You are magic and I can’t figure you out and I hate not being able to figure people out. I’ve no idea whatsoever as to what goes around in your head or your opinion of things etc etc and even when I ask you, I presume you aren’t lying but I wonder how much of the truth are you hiding.
And you know every damn thing about me, you fuck with my head a lot more than I’d admit in person and I don’t like it. 
Because you are all secretive and confidential and hushed, and I understand but It’s tiring and it’s tedious

and I hate being understanding, I usually get my way.
And I don’t like having close friends or telling people about ‘whatever’ unless I’m sure they are here to stay or whatever which I’m not of you and it makes me uncomfortable. It’s like I’ll have to pry you open with a crowbar to know even the teeniest of things. 

I don’t know what you are, I know you are a guy and a wonderful one that too but I’m intimate with you and it’s uh.. it’s been 6 months and I don’t do six months, or six dates. I either end things or they go on and on, and tbh I’m just dreading the point when things run their course and without an explanation you disappear, even if you disappear with a logical, rational, perfectly sensible explanation it won’t help. 

And things will get complicated, they always do and they always are specially in my head as much as I try to keep them simple, straight. And I don’t like complicated, anything complicated. I don’t like Math, history and complicated. 

 

I don’t like it when people I care for leave, because I don’t stop caring for them once they do and it drives me crazy not knowing how they are and what they are upto and if they are okay.

I love most people I care for, I do. Honest-to-god-do-anything-for-them kind, and mostly it’s simple and I don’t get over things. I’m super emotional (true that, my friend), cranky, dramatic etc despite my “awesomeness” It takes me years to get over the tiniest of things and I cn’t fight with people. I can’t and I dont do that and I hate confrontations, I’d rather go without chicken for 3 weeks straight than have the “talk” 
and I hate not-knowing. 
and I don’t know anything.
you.

Despite all your theories about me, I am a simple person. I may not seem like that but I am. I love my family and friends, do things I like and get attached to things, have dealt with shit (not a lot of it, but alittle) in the past and I like to keep things simple.

And It just hit me then, the magnitude of what I am or have been doing and I was scared or  whatever of the repercussions.  

Anyway, That’s all. 

you are rude and nasty but then you are nice and gentle. See, he left so will you because people leave and like him you’ll hurt me and disappear and I won’t be able to get over it and it sucks.

He calls me magic

The stars – invisible

Hidden behind the clouds,

the smoke, the noise

but your eyes

brighter than Sirius

on a summer midnight

Your eyes follow 

follow the crack of my knuckle

My thumb rubbing my ring,

putting my hair back

The hot wind blows

but it seems cool

against the droplets of sweat

on your forehead, along your brow

Your fingers touch my wrist,

my lips, my words

Somewhere in me,

the universe explodes

but the stars dance in front of my eyes

when you whisper the name of the song

I’d been humming, but couldn’t remember

your breath on my shoulder, my neck

my ears 

and the sudden nip

A grin appears, 

soars through my lungs to my throat

Things fade, merge into the background,

cease to exist

My hand across your chest, stomach,

Over your contour

the rise and fall of your breaths

Your bones

you shiver, stare and stop

you put it to your mouth

I feel the weight of a hundred words

on my fingertips

My lips against your,

your day old stubble

and the smooth patches

The tiny mole on your lower lid, your left cheek

the curve of your brow, the slope of your nose

and your mouth which tastes like sunshine

 and sounds like the sea

like the sea it can wreck havoc

It ravages me, It fights with me

It fights for me

It’s denies, accepts. It’s endless

 

A drop of water across the edge of your eye

and those eyes..

..  your eyes trace my body

the glint of my ring, the hair on my brown arms, 

your marks on my shoulder, along my nape

the  pink of my breast, glistening

the skin, the bones, the layers

the scares

Along the stretch marks and scars

Your beautiful mahogany

against my ordinary ordinary

 

 

The sky turns grey, then pink

now blue

Your hair lightens, as the sun goes up

I run my fingers through

A sigh,  A smile and a brush of nerve-endings

you trace circles on my knees 

and I knit dreams in your hair

You kiss my elbows, my palm

You call me magic

and I drown, I drown in the wonder that’s you

Am I your creation or are you mine?

Where are the dragons, the violins?

Because we are enveloped by silence

whispers and glances.

I’m no magic, I’m just a woman

But you, 

I look and I look for ordinary in you

the heave of your chest and soft hair,

the lines around your eyes, 

and your hands, 

those hands make the world spin

the rough edges, the things they say

they do.

I inhale in your smell, your taste

my hair smells of smoke and dust

but my fingers are laced with love

Your arms along my handles, my weight

.. and so I surrender

 

Say the word, stop the chase

No thunder, no Rainstorms

No words, No smirks

Is this here to stay?

tumblr_mws0c2MVst1rg3d60o1_500

happy birthday banana

It’s my ex-roommate’s birthday on the 24th and I wrote this little something for her. 

I am also in the process of making a sketch, a scrap book, wrapping some gifts and writing a letter. Ideas are welcome. 

 

so here’s what I wrote:

 

Happy Birthday Banana 

 

As the mist envelops us

and secrets are whispered

your feet thaw the ice in my toes

my heart

your words settling the demons in my head

clasped together – our hands, our brains.

friends, roommates, people, humans?

you yell, I bang the door

you go to sleep, I walk out

 4 AM half-asleep, dreaming together

over analyzing  to-be-uttered words

7:18 PM walking in the rain

reeking of rum

praying to the old man above

the god we don’t believe in

you raise your voice, 

I raise mine

things shatter, but  get back together

glances, smiles and shrugs

shunning the obvious

reading each other’s mind

good morning sunshine, 

wake up and shine.

I never knew mornings could be so loud

and who knew I could make your mornings hell?

The morning after, the I-regrets.

The cursing, the nursing 

the promises which we meant to break

the fuck-ups which weren’t supposed to happen

the people who arent supposed to change your life so much

are the ones who alter it. Forever. 

hairpins, earrings, dresses, long tresses

the “do I look okays?”

 sentences, you can complete mine

and I, yours 

Words, stolen from their vocab

I, perenially late

 you, always early

my period, always on time

let’s not talk about yours

your beautiful, oh-so-annoying, perpetually there smile

made it easier to wake up

a little easier,

 it made long, blue days

seem fine

it made stupid boys

seem tolerable

it made the open house 

hilarious

25 hours of the day, 

were spent along your shadow

and now I’ve not seen you in 25

25 days.

 

 

 

 

In retrospect

Existing, that’s all I am doing right now. Due to my privileged background survival isn’t an issue, my parents will go out of their way to ensure that I survive. I’m not making the most of it, I’m not working at any NGO or doing a worthwhile internship or whatever but I’m happy. I’m as happy as an 18 year old boy with his girlfriend on his lap. Okay. maybe not that happy, but I’m good. I’m reading, eating and listening to some damn good stuff, I am writing trash by the moment, spending time with my mother and my dog, following the world cup. I’m oblivious to all the sorrow and pain in the world.

But then in moments I really want to go back a few years in time, because you know first world problems. Since we are so complacent we need to find something to whine about and hence, I want to go back in time. To a place where everything was familiar. I miss the rut, not school I didn’t like school but I liked the people I used to go to school to. Despite the drama and the nonsense ( I Know it seems easier in the retrospect, but maybe it wasn’t all that hard you know?) I miss seeing those familiar faces, I miss knowing what the other person was about to say, I miss the warmth ( and by warmth, I DO NOT mean the Delhi heat. oooh) I miss the routine, the not-so-great expectations, I miss having everyone a phone call or 5 kms away, I miss my friends not messing around with superscary drugs that I thought only existed in TV shows and books, I miss my friends being sober sometimes and caring, I miss waking up knowing I’ll meet them all and see himself, I miss himself walking me to my bus or picking me up from my place, I miss my best friends just landing up at my place and the comfortable silence.

I miss the long conversations, the lazy mornings, the happy times, I miss making plans which would never come true. I just miss it, and It’s a 3 second thing, when I miss them but goodness gracious it hits me harder than the Delhi heat (No, my room is not air conditioned. I have a lousy fan which functions only when there is electricity. GOOGLE DELHI Temperature, google it now. )

It will be okay, and It is okay and it is just a matter of three second and I just wanted to rant.  

Doodle101

 

 

Image

 

 

 

OKAY PEOPLE DO NOT LAUGH.

Lame, lame attempt at sketching this super awesome sketch I saw online and I really wanted to draw it, hence this thing here.
I might give it to a friend, If IF IF If it’s good enough and if I can’t manage to find any money till then. Ok then. bye.

Here’s the original.All the credit for the original goes to te original artist, the name is mentioned in the picture and most credits for my picture also go to his/her image because i just copied it. 

So thank you. 

 

 

Image

 

30 Day writing Challenge: Day 12- Bullet your whole day

Yesterday I was going back to Delhi from Pune. Pune is where my friends are and where I did my schooling from, Delhi is where my mother just moved to and where my college is. I had gone to Pune for my vacations, for about 10 days. I was in the train yesterday, I reached Delhi around 11:00 PM.

  • 12:00 AM – Was reading Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
  • around 12:45 AM Went out of my compartment for a smoke
  • Kept calling people for Worldcup updates
  • Read a chapter of Midnight’s Children by Rushdie
  • 1:30AM got off at Chalisgaon junction, for a minute to buy some water
  • Ignored the stares and swore to always buy 10 bottles of water in broad daylight
  • Ran towards to train because the stupid piece of shit began moving
  • 1:35 AM – Listened to some black keys
  • Cried some for Spain, wondered about how could netherlands underperform like that.
  • around 2:15ish – sat at the door and cried for Pune and for those people I call friends
  • Enjoyed the last of Rain and the cool breeze because Delhi summers can kill you
  • Went back to my seat, listened to some oasis and Nirvana till 4:00 and eventually dozed off
  • woke up around 11:00-11:30, smoked a cigarette
  • Went back to sleep because I wanted to daydream somemore about the so-called-new-found-love of my life.
  • Woke up at 12:45 to Pee and eat a little something. 
  • Had some blue lays, checked my phone for texts from my terrible friends (there weren’t any)
  • Went back to sleeping and daydreaming
  • Woke up again, had some mango juice
  • smoked another cigarette, took a dump
  • Finished the book Into the Wild 
  • Started watching Into the wild – The movie
  • Watched twenty minutes of it, didn’t feel like it
  • re-watched 500 days of summer
  • Read some midnight’s children
  • Had some mint chocolate, okay A LOT OF MINT CHOCOLATE (note: I don’t like mint chocolate but It’s like this compulsion where you have one and you need to have another few hundred milk chocolates. ya’know? )
  • Walked about the train, spoke to a few people
  • stared at a couple getting all coupley. hehehehhehehehhe. luls. PDA IS AWESOME! 
  • Played with a couple of kids. They had clay and were making shiz with clay so yea, I joined them. I LOVE CLAY. I LOVE KIDS.
  • Spoke to a  woman my  ma’s age who had a daughter my age. (I had a lot of mutual friends with her daughter too. Whoooop. This is such a small world!) 
  • She kept saying things, my ma would say and kept telling me how people my age usually are and how I’m slightly off. (she didn’t say this in words but yes, she almost nearly said it)
  • Learnt a lot from her about the workings of a mother’s mind. 
  • Cried some for Spain. 😐
  • Applauded the performance by other “apparently weaker” countries. Damn this worldcup is SO EXCITING. 
  • Waited for Delhi, as the train was running late by 2 hours.
  • smoked another cigarette, breathed in the HOT north Indian air. :\
  • Dozed off again while that woman watched seven pounds on my Laptop (I’ve never seen seven pounds.)
  • Woke up, unchained my bag, packed my stuff, waited some more for Delhi
  • Kept calling people for the world cup updates
  • Reached Delhi at 10:30 PM
  • Hitched a ride with this other woman I’d been talking to
  • She was going where I lived
  • Went across the city with her and her brother
  • spoke to Them, learnt a lot about rich people and how they make money.
  • 11:20 PM Got off near my place, smoked some and walked back home. 
  • Met my DOG after 11 days! 😀 
  • met my ma and brother after 11 days
  • Ate Ghar ka khana (a Home cooked meal) and whined about how hot it is in Delhi
  • Started watching the Match. 

 

30 Day writing challenge – Day 11: Shuffle your Music Player and 12 songs that pop up

Day 11: Shuffle your Music Player and 12 songs that pop up

I’ve also attached the links to these songs, if anyone is interested. 🙂

 

1. With a little help from my Friends – Beatles

2. Falling slowly – Glen Hansard

3. Banao Banao – Papon

 

4. Hello, I love you – The Doors

5. Betterman – Pearl Jam

6. The man comes around – Johnny cash

7. All we ever do is say goodbye – John Mayer

8. Here comes a regular – The Replacements

9. Bruised orange – Bon Iver

10. Going to California – Led Zeppelin

11. Have love will travel – The Black Keys

12. Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright

30 Day challenge: Day 10 – Discuss your first love and first kiss

Day 10 – My first love and first kiss

10253756_318133868335682_2983980619940299891_n

I’m grinning like an idiot right now. heh. heh. heh.
My first love, I was like 9th grade and it was the 2nd day of school. I was new to that school and during the assembly there was some singing competition and the tall, almost pretty guy sang and played the piano (yep, I’ve a thing for musicians) and 9 months later we started dating. HE blew me off, that boy. He was gorgeous and messed up ( well, who doesn’t have a thing for beautiful, brooding musicians?) It was a whirlwind, We would meet everyday, would talk every second of every day.
I remember it was one day before the new years and we were alone at my place. We were standing in front of the mirror, comparing our heights and the he just held me by my shoulders, bent a little and kissed me. I felt my tummy burst, my knees crumble, my ears ring. I remember those 27 seconds in high definition.
It was everything – the butterflies, the stardust.

He was dramatic, moody, loving, over-possessive, secretive, messed up and that crazy enigmatic smile that would make this world come to halt. The perfect recipe for a beautiful diaster. .I told him everything I possible could, concocted a few impossible stories too and he believed them. He noticed me, the things I’d say, the people I’d meet. After all these years of being bro-zoned, of being the ‘go-to-when-in-trouble friend’ I existed for someone, as a girl. He thought I was pretty despite my unibrow 😛
dhdhiusgdisdk

tumblr_lywyygPLH31r98pnuo1_500

He would sing for me and walk out of the room when he didn’t like that I was spending too much time with the ‘other guys’, he’d speak to me every night before I would sleep and if I’d forget to call him, hell would break loose. He would threaten to beat people up and kiss me every chance he got. He would hold my hand around my parents and sit with my mother and crib about me. He used to help me cook, clean and he would play the guitar for me.
Now that I look back, I think It were the hormones talking. We were together for almost five glorious months till things changed and I broke up.

gfgfdgdf

He became cold and indifferent, He was so cold that nothing I did could thaw the ice in his heart.
I broke up and a few weeks later found out that he had been cheating on me and had patched things up with his ex and was almost sleeping with her. It took 8 months of tears, a rebound, another few months of crying and lot of chicken, coke and chocolate to get over it and a part of me is still tender.
We are still friends I met him last december after a few years, He is still self-centered but he noticed the small things, still careless but would take care of you. Due to the ugly aftermath of the break up, I’d forgotten the happy bits but when I met him, I remembered Why I was head-over-heels crazy in love with that boy and it made me realise that everything isn’t black and white.

ffgsdgsg

Looking back I realise that he wasn’t a bad person, he just did a bad thing. I’m not defending what he did, It was wrong, I know but despite that I feel he is a great guy and he made me very happy while I was with him. It’s just that his universe revolved around him and so did mine but it’s fine, I’ve learnt and he is happy with someone else, I wonder about the poor girl though. His mood swings were a little hard to handle.
It was good, while it lasted.
He had beautiful hands and a face that could brighten up or cloud over anyday.

tumblr_n6pfbh49A11t4pszao1_500

30 day challenge : day 9 – Views on sex

Day 9- Views on sex sex. sex. sex.

 

Food. water. air. Sex

Right now, the only thing that comes to my mind is how much I miss it. Christ. Sex in my opinion is sacred, because it is so beautiful.

I don’t think losing one’s virginity is a very big thing. It’s big, alright but more often that not people blow things out of proportion and give it unnecessary importance. I mean, what the hell. Your hymen, it’ll break eventually but yes, I do believe if and when one decides to have sex he/she should not regret it 10/20 years down the lane. Regretting it the next morning or a year later is one thing but regretting it when you grow up, when you grow older is heartbreaking not just about your hymen-breaking. You shouldn’t regret it. When you look back, it must make you smile. That’s how I feel. Damn right, you should be proud of it.

4950

 

I fail to understand why is it such a taboo- sex. Having sex, talking about it. It’s fine for people to have secret porn stashes but the same people don’t tell their kids what it’s all about. Sex is a biological process for lord’s sake. You need to eat. You need to breathe in Oxygen (not pure oxygen! ). you Need to drink water. You need to have sex. And it’s not only to reproduce. I’m not saying have sex when you are 12 or something, wait for a bit but I think putting sex up on a pedestal is foolish.

fdgsdg

Sex is good, It’s the reason why I’m sitting here ranting about the world and the reason you are sitting there are reading this imaginary audience. You want to wait for the right guy/girl, Go ahead! I’m all for it, you don’t want to wait for the right person, Go ahead! I’m all for it. Sex is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It makes me happy. Sex with himself made me really happy. Sex with a guy other than himself also made me really happy. But the problem arises when you confuse sex with feelings, It’s not necessary the person you are having sex with will like you or love you. More often than not it will fizzle out. One needs to be honest to oneself about what’s going on. Sex is a beautiful, messy, crazy thing as long as it is consensual but yes, it does complicate things. It’s amazing but complicated both biologically and emotionally. It can wreck a havoc in someone’s mind and when you do it for the first time or after really long peeing will hurt for the next few hours. It has always complicated things for me.  More often than not I make the mistake of getting involved emotionally and then it gets messy and tissue papers are useless when it comes to this kind of messy.

tumblr_m2ijqoxNvU1qi8lbvo1_500

 

 

Anyway, I hope imaginary audience, that you get some if you want some and I hope you enjoy it as much!tumblr_n3ivxsLkHU1rum7cgo1_500